My blanket that I took to her house still smells like her.
I'm restless. I feel like just jumping out of my skin right now and I can't take the world. I went to Cresent Park last night for give or take 2 hours and sat and ate a pint of Ben and Jerry all by myself. I'm pathetic sometimes. I cried and waited for her to come but she never did. I never asked her to. I can't find the ring she gave me or the necklace I had it on. I can't remember the last time I wore it. I feel like I'm just slowly drifting away from her and there is nothing for me to catch hold to, nothing for me to stop it.
I had a dream last night about a boy. I haven't had a dream about anyone other than Amanda in forever. I didn't dream about her at all last night but she's all I think about. I feel like I'm obsessed but I love her and I feel like she's just going to forget about me somewhere along the lines. She sent me an email this morning. It just said I love you.
Sometimes I wonder if loving her is enough to sustain a real relationship. Kayla and I talked that night we were all supposed to go out clubbing and Matt and Cory ditched us. We talked about a lot of things but the most important, the scariest being what if the relationship you're in isn't the best you could have. What if Amanda really can't make me happy, or can only make me 70% happy? Is it worth losing her to try to find the 95% happy? Does that person who can make you feel that way exsist? What if they do and I meet them but it's too late? What if loving her is the best I can do for her, but her loving me back isn't enough to satistfy me?
I have ditched Mary now too many times. I need to talk to somebody, I need to let this feeling out. I want to kill my parents because they completely don't understand what's going on in my life. My mother still thinks it's okay to have me be home by 11, like it's a school night or something. She can't understand my desire to go out after work at 10. They are on my back about cleaning and fixing up my room. They don't get that right now all I want is to be left alone because this deal with Amanda is killing me. They don't know we are/were lovers, at this rate I'll never tell them. Why bother?
I'm working this week. Hopefully it's going to take my mind off of everything. All I wanted was a place without responsibilities for just a little while. I was telling Mary that the last time I was in her office. I feel like kids are supposed to get that, the point in their life where they aren't responsible for anything and they can just kick back and exsist and do whatever they want. I feel like I missed out on that time, that maybe it only exsists for real in the movies, like maybe it's just one more thing they took from me without my even realizing it.