I’m not even going to preface this with a statement about morality. Just read it. Continue reading
I didn’t get up this morning to volunteer and I do sort of feel guilty about it. It was raining and even though it stopped me, it probably didn’t stop the protesters. I need to get more motivation – I ended up climbing out of bed around 1, making me sort of lame.
Erin and I hung out tonight which was great, I really miss seeing her. She’s going to be home from Penn State in two more weeks so we should be able to hang out over the break. We caught up over dinner at Fridays. I feel bad about Phil being in Michigan and I’m glad she’s going to be able to visit him. I don’t know how the long distance relationship will work out for her long-term but they might be able to make it work. He wouldn’t be spending $500 to fly her out there for a week if he didn’t want to try and stay together, that’s alot of money to blow on someone you don’t plan on seeking a steady relationship with in my opinion.
Amanda was supposed to pick up her book that she needed this afternoon but since I was out, I just grabbed it and figured I’d meet up with her. I was trying to be nice by letting her know but she just responded to me with some retarded text about how she wasn’t keeping a leash on me.
I’m interrupting that thought with a Harry text – which was my next topic anyway. I hadn’t talked to him in two weeks until the drunk text I just received. I haven’t seen him since I showed up at his house on Halloween, which was an interesting evening I might add but ended on unclear terms between us. I had to go pick up Kay and Alyssa and take them back to the apartment before we could really talk about what had happened (again).
Then Lauren had surgery because of her breast cancer scare and he’s essentially been ignoring me since then. I invited him over sometime this weekend since I figured he’d be up around these parts but he never bothered to get back to me, much less to decline – which I’d assumed from the start he would do even though I tried to make it clear I wasn’t asking for anything from him but his company. Although I initially had decided I didn’t want him to break up with her, I had been lying to myself because the idea isn’t all that awful in my mind, I’m just not sure logistically it would be possible. Or fair to him for that matter. I just don’t understand him and I’ve decided I really ought to not provoke him further cheating on her with me, which really I swear I’m trying to stick to, although the fact that he’s refusing contact does help me.
Anyways, that convo is continuing whilst I write this, so back to Amanda. She wicked pissed me off with the leash comment and I told her that I wasn’t suggesting anything of the sort. She never bothered to let me know when was good for her while I was out, and rather than again talk to her, I just headed home after dropping Erin at her car since I figured Amanda wasn’t going to be bothered. Of course she texts me as I pull into the driveway, and she’s high so I have to go back out to Chili’s to drop her shit off to her. Seriously, I’m glad we’re finished, even if that means I have to explain to everyone in my life each and every time they bring her up, which is pretty often given our 3 years past. Regardless, I do hope she gets home alright, but I’m just annoyed with her, what the hell else is new.
Saw Kelsey McCauley tonight as I was making my way to the bathroom after dinner. Case in point, she nearly asked me how Amanda was, I saw it in her face, but she was with her family (who know my family, small town) so it changed to ‘things’ instead. As I was telling JD the other day, I’m really glad I don’t see most people from highschool anymore. The ones I’m interested in catching up with I generally see on a fairly regular basis and I keep tabs. I’m not going to pretend I care about what most of them are up to, I don’t, which might make me self-centered but I’m just being honest.
Carlos called me out of the blue tonight which was sweet, I really miss hanging out with him. He’s in FL (ironically in fact) and doesn’t appear to be coming back up anytime soon but it was so good to talk to him. I was trying to get Charlotte to pee outside at the time so we didn’t really talk long but he’s supposed to call me back once he gets home.
Update: Harry’s with some friend from Boston. What happened to me attempting to get over him – I mean really. I’m despicable. Anyways, probably working a double tomorrow so I ought to sleep tonight. Working Sunday too and though the thought of losing my weekend doesn’t really appeal to me, the thought of making bank does so I can’t complain too much about it in reality.
The biggest mistake I’ve ever made could be simple, could be practically meaningless. Two letters could have meant nothing as they were carefully, neutrally intoned. One tiny word that only toddlers take pleasure in, that’s supposed to encourage abstinence and discourage propagation of recreational drugs and violence. A monosyllable, once part of a four-form system degraded from Shakespearian English to two, a word that is neither an interjection nor an adverb. A word that is no longer meaningless and no longer simple.
No. Is there something going on between you two? No. Is there something you aren’t telling me? No. There is not, we are not, I am not. No. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I am not. I don’t know her. No.
People think languages like Finnish and Welsh don’t have a word for no, but that’s not the case. Even languages like Latin use echo answers, rephrasing the verb used in the question to affirm their answer or using it negatively. Was she here? She was not here. Did she come on to you? She did not.
Actually, the last part wasn’t a lie but it didn’t matter. Sitting in the car after being picked up from work, sequestered in the backseat subjected to interrogation before being allowed into the house, nearly everything that came out of my mouth was a lie. Did you know she was interested in you? No. What will people think? I don’t know.
But at that moment, I did know. At that moment, I was scared. I cowered and I crumbled. No. I let someone else decide what is right. No. I let someone else decide who I am. Is there something going on between you two? No. I rolled over and played dead, hoping to be considered a causality and be left behind for the sake of expediency. No. I just wanted to die inside, curl up in a ball and die under a rock somewhere. Is there something going on between you two? No. I closed my eyes and her blue eyes looked back at me. No. I was so ashamed. Is there something going on between you two? I denied her.
Silence or the lack of a response can also be interpreted as negation or a display of apathy. Certain body language indicates disapproval: a shake of the head, a grimace, a quick hand gesture. No. In English, no means many things: not any; not any possibility or allowance; not really, not fully. In American Sign Language, to sign the word no, you hold your index finger and middle finger together and out straight, bringing them down to touch the pad of your thumb. In motion, the action of the sign looks similar to popular hand gestures indicating someone should shut up. The word nō is the active present form of the Latin verb nāre. Poetically, this verb means to sail, to flow, or to fly away. In Norwegian, no is a moment, a point in time.
I devalued myself; I said what I want, who I am, holds no meaning and that’s not true. I took ten steps backward and lost what little trust was left between us when I lied. When my mother asked me if I was a lesbian, I told her no. If I could go back to that awful day, I would relive my father threatening my girlfriend in my workplace, I would relive feeling ashamed, I would relive feeling trapped. I would live that day over and over again if just once I could change my choice. I would tell the truth and accept the penalties of honesty.
Telling the truth that night probably wouldn’t have benefitted me at the time. I still find it difficult to imagine a positive or even neutral response to my mother’s deepest fears being avowed. Although more likely than not, my relationship with my family would still be shattered today by ignorance, had that night been different at least I could wash my hands of their rejection, knowing that I had done everything right and they had done everything wrong. Yes is the hardest word of all.
Yes I am.