Tag Archives: lonely

ain’t no rest for the wicked…

I really wish you weren’t at hookah and that we could talk. There are alot of things I want to run by you that I have to decide quickly about that are difficult for me. I wanted your help and I’m sad that you can’t be there.

I’m also a bit jealous you’re out and I’m at home. It’s St. Patrick’s Day — I want to be out with friends partying — and I don’t have any friends to be out with. It’s weighing heavy on me. All I do is work – schools not even a huge thing for me and it’s not like I have friends in my class.

Kay’s not talking to me, things with us just fell out after she screwed me over at the apartment. I’m not quite lost, perhaps just wayward or unsure. There’s lots for me to consider and sift through as far as thoughts and choices go.

it messed me up need a second to breathe…

It’s been a very interesting day. I was supposed to go to Financial Aid today with my dad to set up my package for next semester and file my 2010 FAFSA. However, I did not do that because I spent c.4 hours at Amanda’s house.

I can already feel the judgemental stare and the – you know you shouldn’t have done that. I don’t regret my decision though.

It started off that I was going over around 11:30 after her dad left for work because she was skipping working in the shop this morning. We were going to have brunch together for an hour or so before my appointment on the other side of the city at 1. I had a cup of coffee but we really spent the first 45 minutes taking the dogs outside, watching some Buffy and being a bit awkward.

And then we’re standing in her kitchen and I say something, and my arms are around her neck and we’re kissing (with the dogs sort of just staring at us, which is funny). This continued for a good half hour, just making out in her kitchen – and then things get a little more intense. At this point it’s 12:30 and I tell her I have to leave, between breaths and kisses. And she asks me to stay.

So I had a few options. I knew what would happen if I stayed – we’re standing at the top of the flight of stairs to the front door, I’m holding my coat and shes sucking on my fingers and says she wants me. I’m thinking that I know what happens if I stay, which is something I want but I don’t think I’m ready for because then what does that do to whatever it is we have now? And I know that if I leave, yeah I’m the one who leaves her in suspence, but I don’t get what I want either and I’m the one who said no. Okay, and not to mention, how often does this situation (opportunity?) occur. Given the lack of action in my life lately, let’s say very infrequently – and I’ve also been fantasizing about said situation.

So I pulled a 2007 move and called my dad to tell him the office had rescheduled for Monday and called the office to ask if I could reschedule for Monday (lets hope she doesn’t mention this at the actually meeting now on Monday) and stayed with Amanda until 3.

I let things go way farther than I ought to perhaps, but I don’t regret so much what I did, because I did it knowing full well that I would get attached, no matter what’s happened between us in the past or how much I try to convince myself otherwise. And lying in her bed in her arms, her skin touching mine, her tucking my hair behind my ear, I couldn’t help but love her (I didn’t say it though, because I can’t commit to that).

She’s all – what? what’s that look for? – and my only response is that it’s her. She didn’t really understand at first, but it’s because it was her, like really her that I was there with, finally her and it was real. Not really something I wanted to spew out, because I felt like us being all gooey instead of all passionate and intense gave it the idea that it had to mean more than it did. Because I’m not going to say it meant nothing, sex doesn’t mean nothing, being that close with someone doesn’t mean nothing, but it didn’t have to mean that we were serious — or just more than what we are? That makes no sense written down but in my head (and especially at the time) it made complete sense. Again, that’s not something I said to her.

Not related really to this, but afterwards she’s all wicked awkward saying she’s out of practice and she needs to work on things because I’m like Karma Sutra Certified (does that exist?). To be honest, she does need to work on some things, she’s not great in bed but I tend to think (at least for now) it’s the thought that counts and the fact that she can’t quite get me off doesn’t especially bother me especially knowing that she’s going to work on it in the future (does this mean we’re hooking up again soon?). Can anyone offer suggested reading materials I ought to point out? Videos? *giggle

We haven’t talked about this. Her mom was on her way home and so we dressed and left the house (her to class, me to no place in particular) without a chance to talk about what this meant (if anything) and whether or not we’re pretending it didn’t happen. She was at work right after class and just texted me goodnight. I mentioned I was glad I stayed and she agreed but that was the end of the convo with a gnite xoxo.

So essentially I’ve fucked shit up (no pun intended). I did so knowingly and don’t deny that in the slightest and I’m taking full responsibility but still this blows. I want her right now, just here with me, to feel her skin against mine and be warm in bed. I didn’t get that at Pinehurst, not at Huxley and hell’s going to freeze over before I get that living with the Gestapo. If there’s any potential for us to get to sleep together (sexually or otherwise because honestly I’d happily crawl into bed completely rated G and go to sleep) it’s going to be at her house, most likely when there’s no one else around and maybe for an hour or two if I’m lucky.

Does this mean that now that she’s gotten some after nearly 4 months (o.O OMG) she’s satistfied and won’t feel the need to wander? Does it mean that she’s gotten what she wanted so she’s going to ignore me until the need gets strong again? Does this mean that we’ve screwed up any chance of us taking things slowly? Or does it mean nothing – nothing to her and therefore nothing to me. Because I can spout whatever bullshit I want, but this didn’t mean nothing to me. If anything it confirms what I’ve always known – that our physical chemistry and just even the fucking smell of her skin can sustain me, the way she looked at me (oh fuck I’m making myself cry).

I’ve just gone and complicated everything and now I want her so badly and I’m just working myself up over it. I need to calm the hell down – part of this is because I didn’t take my fourth pill today so I’m a little on edge this late in the day. I need to just chill out and get some sleep and maybe I’ll have perspective on this tomorrow or something.

I guess I just want this to have meant something to her, something more than just us letting go of restraint for a few hours and then going back to however things were before. Because I feel like that’s house it’s all going to go down, things just going back to the way they were. Which is probably for the best right? I didn’t want a relationship and I still don’t honestly know how much I trust her, no matter how much I love her. I want this to make her want to commit to me and only me, none of this ‘i’m going to this party and i’m not responsible for what i do’ bullshit that she gave me the other night about Jen’s 21st birthday party (to which it seems I’m not invited, big surprise).

We’re just complicated. Life is so beautifully fucked up.

i practiced this for hours…

We talked for about 4 hours – I just got home. We didn’t really ‘talk’ about things, we just sort of caught up at lunch and then we went for coffee (I also drove her across the plaza to grab groceries she needed). I told her that I wanted to do this more often, get together, and she agreed. I also told her it was weird not having her around, which she also agreed with. This was in the last maybe half hour of talking while we were sitting in sbux.

I’m not sure how I feel about everything – I don’t feel bad, like I’m not upset, I think I’m feeling positively. I nearly made myself sick at lunch though, which is funny because I used to do that when we started dating, I’d make myself so nervous that I was nauseous. It was almost like old times (I didn’t talk about the past for the most part though, unless she brought it up) with us just hanging out, no agenda, no pressure. It’s really what I wanted actually, just being together as friends.

I don’t know what I want to say about everything, I guess I still need to process some of it. It was weird when she got out of the car after the market when I dropped her back off at her own car – it was like, neither of us was sure what to do (or maybe just me?). I wanted to give her a hug, but I was buckled in and unbuckling would have been awkward and since she didn’t make a move to, neither did I. She came over to the car after she put the milk in her backseat though;

God, now I’m crying – I’m listening to the first Daughtry CD, a few of the songs I’d put on mixes for her, and I just burst into tears. I don’t even know what I’m crying for;  no that’s not exactly true. It’s because I can see that hole, like I’m standing on the edge looking over into the emptiness. That’s the only way I can describe how I feel right now. I don’t know if the hole got bigger or smaller or didn’t change at all, but I’m staring it down which is something I haven’t wanted to do. I feel that void where I’d like her to be, because she was just standing there, and void was almost gone.

Well now that I have tears dripping off my chin, what I was saying before. We’d been talking about the holidays and I’d told her that my grandmother had stood up on Christmas morning and declared the tennis bag she’d just recieved to be “bitchin” – and I’d laughed like hell. Well, so Amanda comes back up to my door and I roll down the window and shes like, this was bitchin! and we laughed before we both drove off.  I texted her when I got home just to say I’d gotten home and her response was also bitchin! (something tells me I’ve created a monster of a phrase that’s going to haunt me now).

I just hope that seeing her was the right choice, I think it was. This thing that I’m having right now, the tearing up and the tightness in my chest, I was afraid of this, that I’d have this let down after seeing her, sort of like I used to when I didn’t know how soon I’d get to see her again. She told me to text her, which I think was her way of saying we should get together again, but I don’t know. I don’t want to be the initiator the next time I see her (which well could be tomorrow if I go to the new years party at Jen’s and she takes time out of staying with her grandmother to also go – which might prove to be a really interesting night, but I’m digressing), I don’t want the desperate needy one, although that’s what I feel like right now.

Maybe this is what recovering alcoholics feel like when they go into a bar – that’s probably an awful comparison but I don’t have another one. I’m scared, and slightly disgusted with myself at how much I enjoyed seeing her, and how much I’d like to see her again – soon, in fact I’d be cool with the party tomorrow. Except I shouldn’t be, because I need to recover from this feeling.

I feel like I’ve been hit by an emotional bus, just completely frayed emotionally right now, although I thought I’d be okay. Perhaps this will all have been for the best, us seeing each other, in that she’ll make an effort to see me again, but I’m only wishing for things I’ve wished for before, nothing new. I’ll always be just a convenience for her, a convenient time, a convenient place and I deserve to be more than that.

Well I’ve stopped crying which is a plus. I do hope that’s passed – it’s difficult to explain red puffy eyes etc. to the grandparents and it’s cold with the door to my room shut. I just noticed I’m quite liberal with my sentence structures; I probably should work on that a bit. I tend to write the way I think, and fragments and coma splices are better thought (or spoken) than written. Ms. Wrye would have red lines through most of the former paragraphs. I think I’m going to continue writing about lunch, but it’s probably going to be very hard to follow and choppy so you can stop reading now if you like, no hard feelings. I guess I’m doing this to sort out what we talked about, but also so that I remember; I hate forgetting things.

The damn TV in the other room is so loud I can hear it with the door shut, the volume has got to be on like 40 or something ridiculous. I also don’t have any tissues other than the soggy one beside my bed.

We talked about Christmas and presents and such. Apparently her family had a crazy Christmas day episode and Pam and Mary ended up storming out after Gram asked them to take care of Nana for the week because Grampy was going up to VT and she wanted to get to go with him. Jan had to get involved then, and they were all pretty wasted and Pam, Mary and Jan end up leaving in a huff and no one’s talked to them since. Grampy went and Amanda is staying with Gram and Nana because Gram is afraid to stay in the city alone at night. She’s also staying with the kids on Sunday because I guess Maureen and Jeff are going to see Wicked that afternoon – which means that theres a good chance they will stop by my work for dinner. Last year Amanda and I babysat them on New Years so the two of them could go out. I don’t know if I’m going to go to Jen’s tomorrow night. I’m supposed to go see Andrena during the day. If I go to Jen’s, I don’t want to drive home because all the crazies are out, which means I would have to stay there (or at Harry’s I suppose, but that’s again, probably a bad life decision).

When the subject of what we were doing the rest of break came up, I did tell her about me going to Florida. Her first question was also who I was going with and she said she was jealous I was going and to send her a postcard. I think somewhere in this I apologized about not going to see Angels in America and she said it was fine, she’s let it go. I told her its not something that keeps me up at night, but I am still sorry about it, it was sucky of me to do to her, especially after she’d gotten me a comp ticket.

I guess she went out with friends from highschool last night. They went to the movies from what I gathered and maybe out to dinner because she said something about Kim liking Chilis or whatever. I don’t want to think too hard on any of that because I feel like it makes me seem jealous – I don’t want to be jealous, I don’t think I’m jealous. Am I jealous?

I’m trying to think of what else we talked about but nothing seems to be standing out. I suppose that’s a good thing in some cases, it means there was nothing epic discussed, but we also spent so much time catching up, me sort of learning things about her, that I want to remember them. It must not have been anything I didn’t really know. I didn’t mention anything about dates or romantic engagements – she didn’t ask. I did sort of fish about her and Lelia, asking if they were still feuding, to which she replied of course. I know she doesn’t know that I know she declared her undying love for the girl (because that would be awkward to explain, and I don’t think she’d ever trust me again after she found out I’d been spying on her – because calling it stalking just makes it sound all the worse) but I’d at least like to know what’s going on/what happened between them. It’s probably better that I don’t know, the last thing I need is to be jealous when I have nothing to base it on and no claim except my own insecurities and craziness.

I’m sort of having a freak out moment again it seems. I don’t want to sit here and wallow, I need something to take my mind off things or I’m going to think myself into another wave of tears. The fact that the news is on so fucking loud in the house doesn’t help my anxiety levels a bit, and my room is giving me cabin fever. Em’s cleaning her closet still – something I should be finishing but again, that wallowing looms.