I want to make her an ‘Edward Survival Kit’ for the last two weeks of rehearsal before they put on Edward II. I dont know what we are or where it comes from or anything, I just feel like I have to trust her, even if it makes me uneasy sometimes. How can I love someone so much who I dont trust?
I have to trust that she cares enough about me to not intentionally screw with me. I have to trust that she wants this to work and that she’s really going to try. I also have to stop trying to change her and accept her for who she is. She will always tell Lelia she loves her, no matter how much it bothers me, and that’s never going to change. Maybe the girl I dated in highschool wouldn’t have but she’s different now, and so am I. Sadly, I’m a lot more sensitive to that sort of thing than I think I used to be, although it’s difficult to tell because we tend to remember ourselves in better terms.
I don’t think I’m going to tell her that I know she started writing in her blog again. I’m also really going to try not to let it bother me that she doesn’t talk about me – I’d rather she wasn’t saying anything than saying bad things. At the same time, her talking about taking Nicole to Jen’s 21st birthday party (to which I am officially not invited) as her date bothers me. I’m only human. And I’m a jealous human at that.
We haven’t really talked in the last few days. I offered to bring her dinner tonight and she turned me down, so it’s doubtful of our seeing eachother soon. I can’t help but wonder if that’s a good thing. Wed was — is — undefined and I don’t like to see it linger in the air between us unspoken. The longer it hangs there, the greater a chance of its becoming something we decide to forget about.
My problem being, I don’t want to forget about it. I don’t know what exactly I want, but her skin is all I’ve thought about for nearly a week. All I have thought about is wanting her – it’s making me especially depraved of late. On the upside, I spent an hour and a half nearly today at the gym and signed up officially. At least that might put a dent in my anxiety/stress/sexual repression outlet. Perhaps not.
Liz Phair came on the radio today on my way back from the gym. I just drove and cried as that song played. I have to let go, I’m holding on so tightly to loving her and needing her and it’s killing me (no really sometimes I wonder). I just need to let her live her life and if I fit in then so be it. And if I don’t, then there’s nothing I could do about it anyway, I just have to deal. I also need to live my life – I need to move on and stop harboring wishes for and from the past. [Can I just say though, that the fact that I’m the one trying to accept her for who she is and not try to change her, what about her accepting that I need things too?]
She’s the biggest part of my recent past and it’s so hard. I just want her around and I want it to be like old times – except we’re different people, at different places. She’s graduating next semester if all goes according to plan and I won’t be till the end of next year. I went to breakfast with Em sunday morning and we were sort of talking about this. She might have $3.28 in her checking account, but she has no debt, no bills to pay, she’s starting off with a clean slate once she graduates. I wish I had that ability to wipe mine clean and start over. I’m trying these days to clean things up, but who knows how it will really all go down.
Peter’s probably going to take Kay and Alyssa to court for abandoning the apt and breaking the lease. I’m hopefully meeting with him Wednesday afternoon-ish so that we can figure out what I’d owe him for the rest of the term of the lease. I don’t want to get dragged into legal issues, I don’t have that kind of $$ or that kind of time.
In the end, for the next few months, I’m looking forward to trying again. Trying college again, retaking a class I failed, having patience with life not going as fast as I’d like it to sometimes or as slowly as other times. I need to have me space, and me time and worry less about taking care of her and more about taking care of me. I want to get a hot body for summah! I want summer to come and I want to look at myself in the mirror (and not only see me fit & firm) and know myself, be proud of myself. I want to be proud of everything I’ve overcome and every accomplishment I’ve made. I want to love myself again.
And if somewhere along the way, Amanda might love me too, I’d be pretty excited. Reality says that the real likelihood of us lasting is slim to none, especially if I can’t be enough of my own person to stand alone. I need to grow a bit of a backbone.