Tag Archives: sex

why can’t i breathe whenever i think about you…

I want to make her an ‘Edward Survival Kit’ for the last two weeks of rehearsal before they put on Edward II. I dont know what we are or where it comes from or anything, I just feel like I have to trust her, even if it makes me uneasy sometimes. How can I love someone so much who I dont trust?

I have to trust that she cares enough about me to not intentionally screw with me. I have to trust that she wants this to work and that she’s really going to try. I also have to stop trying to change her and accept her for who she is. She will always tell Lelia she loves her, no matter how much it bothers me, and that’s never going to change. Maybe the girl I dated in highschool wouldn’t have but she’s different now, and so am I. Sadly, I’m a lot more sensitive to that sort of thing than I think I used to be, although it’s difficult to tell because we tend to remember ourselves in better terms.

I don’t think I’m going to tell her that I know she started writing in her blog again. I’m also really going to try not to let it bother me that she doesn’t talk about me – I’d rather she wasn’t saying anything than saying bad things. At the same time, her talking about taking Nicole to Jen’s 21st birthday party (to which I am officially not invited) as her date bothers me. I’m only human. And I’m a jealous human at that.

We haven’t really talked in the last few days. I offered to bring her dinner tonight and she turned me down, so it’s doubtful of our seeing eachother soon. I can’t help but wonder if that’s a good thing. Wed was — is — undefined and I don’t like to see it linger in the air between us unspoken. The longer it hangs there, the greater a chance of its becoming something we decide to forget about.

My problem being, I don’t want to forget about it. I don’t know what exactly I want, but her skin is all I’ve thought about for nearly a week. All I have thought about is wanting her – it’s making me especially depraved of late. On the upside, I spent an hour and a half nearly today at the gym and signed up officially. At least that might put a dent in my anxiety/stress/sexual repression outlet. Perhaps not.

Liz Phair came on the radio today on my way back from the gym. I just drove and cried as that song played. I have to let go, I’m holding on so tightly to loving her and needing her and it’s killing me (no really sometimes I wonder). I just need to let her live her life and if I fit in then so be it. And if I don’t, then there’s nothing I could do about it anyway, I just have to deal. I also need to live my life – I need to move on and stop harboring wishes for and from the past. [Can I just say though, that the fact that I’m the one trying to accept her for who she is and not try to change her, what about her accepting that I need things too?]

She’s the biggest part of my recent past and it’s so hard. I just want her around and I want it to be like old times – except we’re different people, at different places. She’s graduating next semester if all goes according to plan and I won’t be till the end of next year. I went to breakfast with Em sunday morning and we were sort of talking about this. She might have $3.28 in her checking account, but she has no debt, no bills to pay, she’s starting off with a clean slate once she graduates. I wish I had that ability to wipe mine clean and start over. I’m trying these days to clean things up, but who knows how it will really all go down.

Peter’s probably going to take Kay and Alyssa to court for abandoning the apt and breaking the lease. I’m hopefully meeting with him Wednesday afternoon-ish so that we can figure out what I’d owe him for the rest of the term of the lease. I don’t want to get dragged into legal issues, I don’t have that kind of $$ or that kind of time.

In the end, for the next few months, I’m looking forward to trying again. Trying college again, retaking a class I failed, having patience with life not going as fast as I’d like it to sometimes or as slowly as other times. I need to have me space, and me time and worry less about taking care of her and more about taking care of me. I want to get a hot body for summah! I want summer to come and I want to look at myself in the mirror (and not only see me fit & firm) and know myself, be proud of myself. I want to be proud of everything I’ve overcome and every accomplishment I’ve made. I want to love myself again.

And if somewhere along the way, Amanda might love me too, I’d be pretty excited. Reality says that the real likelihood of us lasting is slim to none, especially if I can’t be enough of my own person to stand alone. I need to grow a bit of a backbone.


it messed me up need a second to breathe…

It’s been a very interesting day. I was supposed to go to Financial Aid today with my dad to set up my package for next semester and file my 2010 FAFSA. However, I did not do that because I spent c.4 hours at Amanda’s house.

I can already feel the judgemental stare and the – you know you shouldn’t have done that. I don’t regret my decision though.

It started off that I was going over around 11:30 after her dad left for work because she was skipping working in the shop this morning. We were going to have brunch together for an hour or so before my appointment on the other side of the city at 1. I had a cup of coffee but we really spent the first 45 minutes taking the dogs outside, watching some Buffy and being a bit awkward.

And then we’re standing in her kitchen and I say something, and my arms are around her neck and we’re kissing (with the dogs sort of just staring at us, which is funny). This continued for a good half hour, just making out in her kitchen – and then things get a little more intense. At this point it’s 12:30 and I tell her I have to leave, between breaths and kisses. And she asks me to stay.

So I had a few options. I knew what would happen if I stayed – we’re standing at the top of the flight of stairs to the front door, I’m holding my coat and shes sucking on my fingers and says she wants me. I’m thinking that I know what happens if I stay, which is something I want but I don’t think I’m ready for because then what does that do to whatever it is we have now? And I know that if I leave, yeah I’m the one who leaves her in suspence, but I don’t get what I want either and I’m the one who said no. Okay, and not to mention, how often does this situation (opportunity?) occur. Given the lack of action in my life lately, let’s say very infrequently – and I’ve also been fantasizing about said situation.

So I pulled a 2007 move and called my dad to tell him the office had rescheduled for Monday and called the office to ask if I could reschedule for Monday (lets hope she doesn’t mention this at the actually meeting now on Monday) and stayed with Amanda until 3.

I let things go way farther than I ought to perhaps, but I don’t regret so much what I did, because I did it knowing full well that I would get attached, no matter what’s happened between us in the past or how much I try to convince myself otherwise. And lying in her bed in her arms, her skin touching mine, her tucking my hair behind my ear, I couldn’t help but love her (I didn’t say it though, because I can’t commit to that).

She’s all – what? what’s that look for? – and my only response is that it’s her. She didn’t really understand at first, but it’s because it was her, like really her that I was there with, finally her and it was real. Not really something I wanted to spew out, because I felt like us being all gooey instead of all passionate and intense gave it the idea that it had to mean more than it did. Because I’m not going to say it meant nothing, sex doesn’t mean nothing, being that close with someone doesn’t mean nothing, but it didn’t have to mean that we were serious — or just more than what we are? That makes no sense written down but in my head (and especially at the time) it made complete sense. Again, that’s not something I said to her.

Not related really to this, but afterwards she’s all wicked awkward saying she’s out of practice and she needs to work on things because I’m like Karma Sutra Certified (does that exist?). To be honest, she does need to work on some things, she’s not great in bed but I tend to think (at least for now) it’s the thought that counts and the fact that she can’t quite get me off doesn’t especially bother me especially knowing that she’s going to work on it in the future (does this mean we’re hooking up again soon?). Can anyone offer suggested reading materials I ought to point out? Videos? *giggle

We haven’t talked about this. Her mom was on her way home and so we dressed and left the house (her to class, me to no place in particular) without a chance to talk about what this meant (if anything) and whether or not we’re pretending it didn’t happen. She was at work right after class and just texted me goodnight. I mentioned I was glad I stayed and she agreed but that was the end of the convo with a gnite xoxo.

So essentially I’ve fucked shit up (no pun intended). I did so knowingly and don’t deny that in the slightest and I’m taking full responsibility but still this blows. I want her right now, just here with me, to feel her skin against mine and be warm in bed. I didn’t get that at Pinehurst, not at Huxley and hell’s going to freeze over before I get that living with the Gestapo. If there’s any potential for us to get to sleep together (sexually or otherwise because honestly I’d happily crawl into bed completely rated G and go to sleep) it’s going to be at her house, most likely when there’s no one else around and maybe for an hour or two if I’m lucky.

Does this mean that now that she’s gotten some after nearly 4 months (o.O OMG) she’s satistfied and won’t feel the need to wander? Does it mean that she’s gotten what she wanted so she’s going to ignore me until the need gets strong again? Does this mean that we’ve screwed up any chance of us taking things slowly? Or does it mean nothing – nothing to her and therefore nothing to me. Because I can spout whatever bullshit I want, but this didn’t mean nothing to me. If anything it confirms what I’ve always known – that our physical chemistry and just even the fucking smell of her skin can sustain me, the way she looked at me (oh fuck I’m making myself cry).

I’ve just gone and complicated everything and now I want her so badly and I’m just working myself up over it. I need to calm the hell down – part of this is because I didn’t take my fourth pill today so I’m a little on edge this late in the day. I need to just chill out and get some sleep and maybe I’ll have perspective on this tomorrow or something.

I guess I just want this to have meant something to her, something more than just us letting go of restraint for a few hours and then going back to however things were before. Because I feel like that’s house it’s all going to go down, things just going back to the way they were. Which is probably for the best right? I didn’t want a relationship and I still don’t honestly know how much I trust her, no matter how much I love her. I want this to make her want to commit to me and only me, none of this ‘i’m going to this party and i’m not responsible for what i do’ bullshit that she gave me the other night about Jen’s 21st birthday party (to which it seems I’m not invited, big surprise).

We’re just complicated. Life is so beautifully fucked up.

short skirt, loooong jacket

We had a party at the apartment Friday night, and it was great but I felt so weird being there. It’s like it’s not my house anymore (which it’s not) and I’m just a visitor and I don’t really belong. Erin and Tommy were there all cuddly and I was jealous of not having someone. I felt lonely and left out of my own life. The Christmas tree in the living room is mine, but its not decorated the way I want, there’s nothing I can do to make it mine, because I guess technically it’s just not anymore. I gave up pieces of my life to move here, into this closet.

I do miss Amanda, I hate to admit it. I think about her more often than I care to and I’d honestly like to spend time with her. I don’t want to be with her (am I just lying to myself?), I’d just like to continue being friends. But the problem with being friends is being around her, which makes me upset, but so does being apart from her. Does that make any sense? Because it’s just fucked up. I wish I could just not think about her. Kay thinks as long as I have other things on my mind it should help. What I really want? For her to realize whats happened and to want to fix it. The chances of that occurring? I had a dream last night that she and Lelia were officially dating, my sub conscious is telling me to grow the hell up and get a reality check.

I talked to Harry briefly and things seem to be a bit better for us. I can’t explain our twisted relationship – I can’t really even begin to try. Perhaps I’ll see him soon, perhaps not. It’s better not to dwell on those ideas, just one more thing to make me upset.

It snowed for the first time of the season last night. Jess was supposed to go dancing with me, but I had to cancel before I got out of work. The backroads in town are awful and I would have had to come back before going back into the city since I’d forgotten to bring clothes with me.

I might go see Andrena up in Boston next week. I miss her and it’ll  be great to see her daughter and catch up. Caroline and I went to Michaels after volunteering Friday which was fantabulous (both the fact that there were no protesters for the most part and that we spent an hour picking out knitting supplies). I’m sorta bummed she’s going back to St. Louis for the holidays but I’ll see her again in about 7 weeks. I’m going to try making a blue knit hat, let’s see how this goes.

Started NuvaRing yesterday after my doctor’s appointment at PP. This serving the purpose of both not getting my period (YAY!) and being prepared if I do decide to have sex with someone, be it Harry or anyone else for that matter. One of the two big reasons I wasn’t going to have sex with him that night was the fact that I wasn’t on birth control, a major player in my safe sex beliefs. The second was of course that losing my technical virginity to someone who is cheating on his longtime girlfriend isn’t exactly the way I want it to go. That said however, given the opportunity again, I’d probably fuck him. I’d rather lose it to Harry (or Carlos actually :o) than to some random guy. At least they both care about me, you know, even if they aren’t in love with me.

Speaking of Carlos, I’d like to go visit him in FL sometime soon. I talked to him Friday before the party and briefly yesterday texting around work. I really do like him (probably in a similar way to liking Harry, the difference being he’s not in a relationship and lives a bazillion miles away now) and I miss him being around. We shall see where this leads.