Tag Archives: breaking up

whaddaya want from me…

My head is in a hundred places right now, so I’m trying to just sort out. Bear with me.

Lunch today with Bucci and Miranda at Fresh City was fantastic. We got to do some bonding (really more me and Bucci than Miranda because she’s so quiet) and it was great to catch up with them. Transfering and leaving them behind was hard on me and I hope that we can retain a friendship although I don’t see them all the time. It’s also pretty awkward that I’m closer these days to Miranda (we had ENG175 together) than I am to Nichole. Backstory on that, they have a very screwed up relationship history which essentially I always thought was due to Miranda but in fact it seems Nichole just lives for the drama. Regardless, I think I can be friends with both of them without choosing a side since I’m not being pressured by anyone.

Now onto what’s making me crazy – Amanda and I are having lunch tomorrow. I’m really trying not to freak the fuck out but it’s not exactly working. Em and I have already had a conversation about what I’m going to wear, how I don’t want to seem like I’m trying too hard when in all actuality I’m really trying much too hard. Jess isn’t thrilled with the idea that I’m even talking to her, and I haven’t told anyone else that I’m seeing her, both for lack of opportunity and lack of people to really tell. I was proud of myself, I didn’t mention it today at lunch at all, I didn’t even mention her name which in the past has been a rarity for me.

I don’t know what I want. I keep having this scenario play out in my head where things are okay with us. And then it morphs into me making the huge mistake of like, making out with her or something – I don’t even know, it’s screwed up. I keep thinking about July 2007 and the talk we had one night when her class was canceled. We met in Riverside at the park and talked for hours. As I was pulling up, the song How to Save a Life by the Fray was playing on the radio – and I just remember thinking that this was the way it was going to play out. Obviously things went well that night, we ended up making out and getting back together essentially, I don’t remember more details than that although I suppose I could go search the archives if I was really interested. I don’t think that’d be the best idea for me though, I don’t want to think about the past right now.

I’m trying to concentrate on the future, that’s the whole point of what’s going on in my life right now. I don’t want to screw this up – I feel like I want to leave things unscarred between us. If there was a way in the future that we could work, I don’t want this to be the reason we never see that opportunity. I think that’s my problem at it’s deepest.

I still want to be with her. I can say not right now because I know it’s what I need, but what I want? I want her to hold me, to come to bed and just be with me as we fall asleep. It’s so fucked up, that after everything she puts me through I feel like this about her, but I’m at least trying to be somewhat honest with myself about it. Obviously I’m not telling her all of this, because it needlessly complicates things between us more than they already are, but let’s be honest, I’d love it if she told me what I’ve just said. Although, I don’t know if I could actually tell her no, I can’t do that now. I think the answer is I won’t do that right now, but I have to be strong enough to say that.

So that’s what I’m trying to gather right now. Strength and self-assurance. Because I do deserve to find myself and be happy with myself, I don’t need her affirmation to make things okay (although I would like it). I cannot have a healthy relationship with someone if I don’t have one with myself first. I cannot rely on her and I will not anymore. I haven’t for three months and I think I’ve grown up a little bit – that remains to be seen but it’s a start at least.

I’m not sure if I want to have a good cry tonight before I go to sleep. It’s probably a good idea to release all the extra emotions that are lingering around me right now. I want to go into Chilis tomorrow with a clear head and a clear idea of what I want to accomplish. I keep looking back to my entry and reminding myself what I want to say. I’m going to try to write some poetry or something before getting a good night sleep as well.

Recap. The Place: Chilis at 1. The Plan: talk about why we broke up. talk about what capacity we can be part of eachother’s lives in the future. The End: closure.

Advertisements

you’re a hot mess, i’m loving it hell yes…

I’m sort of sad that I didn’t go to the Cobra Starship concert this summer. Kay and I had tickets and everything and I can’t quite remember why we didn’t go but something tells me it was just pure laziness. It’s a shame really.

I swore to myself I was going to update, and so here I am. Albeit since it’s past midnight there is no technical Monday entry, but what the fuck who cares anyway? Work was fine, I made $40 so I can’t complain too much for two and a half hours of toil and only 6 parties, one of which was my parents.

I talked to JD today on the phone for a bit before work. I told him about how I was feeling particularly blue about everything going on with Amanda and my life etc. He really is a good uncle to me, and not an altogether bad listener/advice giver. Andrena is too, I talked to her either last night or the night before, I can’t quite remember.

I sent her a message today saying that once the holidays and shit were over that I wanted to sit down and talk. At the time I had no idea what I wanted to say, but I spent alot of time thinking about it as I got ready for work (ironing?!?! WHAT?!?! yes it really happened, hell hath frozen over).

I want to tell her that us breaking up really wasn’t about her, it was about me. I was (am) lost, I’ve forgotten who I am and I need to find that person again because I miss her terribly. I need a purpose in my life again and she wasn’t able to help me find that right now. It might be blame to suggest she was preventing it – I don’t really think she was – but I think she wasn’t aiding me the way a significant other should. How could I possibly be in a healthy relationship when I don’t know who I am, when I hate who I am? So that’s the real reason I think that I ended things. I needed to step off on my own to find myself, which blows huge fucking hairy monkey balls (see living with my grandparents in the pornstar-closet-bedroom) but such is life.

I’m not sure what I want her to say in return. I just hope she says something. Being around her hurts, because I feel like it reminds me of how much I really lost myself and all the signs I should have seen along the way before it was too late – it makes me feel like a failure. But being apart from her hurts too, because she was such a huge part of how I defined myself before that I have a huge hole.

I watched New Moon tonight – that’s the book I was reading the summer after senior year when Amanda and I were forced apart by my (our?) parents (or by our own stupidity, regardless it’s unimportant why). I remember feeling that hole Bella talked about, the hole that lasts for months and months that nothing can fill. I just want to say, that the second half of that movie is bullshit though because life doesn’t work like that after you leave someone. Bella found Jacob and yes, maybe he’s sorta tapped as well, and he’s got his werewolf issues to deal with, but at the end of the day, he wasn’t as selfish as Edward. Because I think the reason Ed leaves Bella is also bullshit – he’s not protecting her, he’s afraid. It’s going to be too hard with his family to take care of her, she’s too much to worry about, she’s a handful.

I’m projecting obviously (book characters anyone?) but I really do feel like he just copped out. Bella ought to have stayed with Jake after she saved Ed’s life. I completely support her going to save him, he was an idiot, who in his own selfish ways obviously did love her because he wasn’t willing to live without her, but if his love was that unconditional, he never would have left in the first place, he would have found a way to make it work. Jake was at least trying to do that until Alice showed up at Bella’s house and they fled the country to save Edward’s sorry ass.

I think that’s the heart and soul of my problem. I wish she hadn’t given up so easily on me. I wish that when I’d said I needed time, I needed space, that she could have given me it – what I’d given her countless times before when she freaked the hell out on me for one reason or another. I know that I’m difficult to live with, I know thats especially the case when I’m depressed and slowly losing my mind, but I wish she’d stuck it out. That’s really all I wanted from her – I guess it was too much to ask.

haiku 1-4

she saw you today
heart dripping blood, scruffy hair
grey; ubiquitious