Tag Archives: advice

digging deeper just to throw it away…

Home again, for better or for worse. I want to do a massive post about FL but I’m not sure if I’ll ever get around to it. I wrote some poetry on the plane home though, so that I’m posting now – obviously check it out, tell me what you think, I’m always open for criticism.

All in all, I really enjoyed the time away from everything. I will say this, I didn’t miss anything about home (hell, I didn’t even turn my computer on, much less take it out of it’s case) except I missed her. I txted her some, and she said she missed me as well, but I’m not sure. It’s easy to say you miss someone who has gone away who you don’t see, because there aren’t string attached, there’s no way to prove if you meant it or not, or what it means.  And so I missed her, I kept wishing that she was there with me at Disney and just to see everything I saw. Even just to turn to and say hey, can you believe that? Or did you just see that?

We were supposed to perhaps hang out tonight once I got back from the airport and she got out of work. And I know that it was tentative. And I knew that I would be tired etc. but I wanted to see her. And I should have known better than to think it would really happen. Because of course it didn’t – she had an awful day at work and went home to watch the Hangover with her mom and take care of her dog. Am I being selfish? Because if I recall this is where a huge part of our problem has always lain (laid? lie? wtf ) – that I need her for some reason (this one being that I’ve genuinely missed her and want to tell her all about my vacation in person, not via FB) and she can’t follow through because she needs to do ‘her’ things.

Fuck, and now Miss E is asking me for advice and Jess is freaking the fuck out. You know why is it, that when I need someone there for me, nobody can be bothered and yet whenever anything happens to someone else, they run to me and I just drop whatever the fuck I’m doing and assist.

Because I’d love for someone to care enough about me to do the same.


its beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

She apparently lost her phone during finals and just let me know last night she got my message. I guess that’s props to her either understanding that not getting back to me is insulting and hence lying because she forgot or didn’t want to deal or whatever, or she really did lose her phone. Whatever, either scenario is fine with me. She agreed to talking after Christmas. We briefly discussed families, work, exams. I told her that I didn’t finish the semester (I also told my sister that today) and I’m unsure of her reaction. I think she probably had an inkling that I wasn’t finishing but I have no idea. She didn’t say anything about it. Jen’s party didnt happy last night so neither of us were present to discuss this further. I haven’t talked to her today.

I spent today attempting to free myself from cleaning responsibilities and hung out with Em and my dad all day, which actually was very nice surprisingly enough. We went shopping for my mom’s presents – perhaps I’ll post imgs of them later if I’m not long winded. Then I took Em shopping for a bit before we returned home to decorate the Christmas tree. While normally that act is abysmal and makes me want to strangle an elf, it went very well and I enjoyed it, shock of all shocks. Then we sat down to dinner and watched Four Christmases with Reese Whiterspoon and Vince Vaughn. The movie was so funny although I didn’t enjoy the ending. I thought that after Reese had explained to Vince their relationship might need to change because they were changing, and after his subsiquent freak/bail out of her at her father’s house (which really, if you’ve seen the movie, its hard to believe THATS the house he chooses to leave her at, because honestly I’d have been WAY THE FUCK OUT OF THERE at Vince’s dad’s) – I thought after they’d argued and he’d left that the movie really ought to end. Yes the conversation with her father about family was super sweet – but Vince should have stayed with his dad. They were so cute together throughout the entire movie and I envied the relationship they had, but her change of heart had been visible on the screen through each house they visited while Vince really just seemed to be there for the humor. Her change of character is believeable, almost to the point of being realistic (its a movie, not that much can happen in 2 hours) but his just isn’t there. I’m pleased for the two of them at the end when he decides he still wants to try but what woman wouldn’t want the man she is in love with to change his mind and decide he wants to get married and have babies because that’s what she wants – it’s all a little heterosexist for my taste, but I digress from my original stab. I felt I could relate to the context of the movie, dysfunctional family, a relationship that is at a peak of change (NO BABIES FOR ME) but the end was cheesy Hollywood.

I decided that I have to topics of discussion when we sit down to talk about things. The first is why I decided to break up with her. See previous post for more on that. The second is my asking her if she wants to be part of my life in some capacity. I see  instances of that working out listed as follows:

1. She says she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.

I respect that decision because I know when we are together things tend to get very emotional and we both can and have hurt eachother a lot over the past three years. I would have wanted to try and stay friends however, because you’re presence in my life has always helped me grow to be a better person and I love having you around. I enjoy spending time with you immensely. However, the past is the past, and that’s what I would be holding on to if I forced you back into my life. We aren’t the people we were and I can’t pretend that we are. Maybe we’ve grown farther apart but it makes me sad to think we’ve grown so far that none of our brances touch any longer. If you do change your mind, and decide you’d like for me to be a part of things, you know where to find me.

2. She wants to be friends.

I’m glad to hear that because living without her in my life hurts me because no matter how much we argued, she was always a ray of sunshine for me. I want you and all you bring to be part of my life again – your family, your cousins, your grandparents and aunts and uncles. I know things will not be the same between us, we aren’t the same people we were, but rather than looking to the past and lamenting over what’s been, I’d like to start fresh and carve a new friendship, getting to know you better.

3. She wants to ‘be more than friends’.

Right now I do not want a relationship right now, I’m not in a place where I can sustain something healthy. I want us to be friends, I want to get to know you again. Somewhere I stopped trying to continually know you and I insulted you by assuming that I knew everything about you, how you would react, how you think, what you do. I don’t know all of you, parts are new and parts have changed. At the same time, I don’t know myself which is why I can’t be with someone else. I need to find my new parts and examine them and learn to love them before I can ask someone else to do the same. I want you to be there with me as I find myself again, as my friend. Perhaps something more can come of that in time if we so choose and are in the right places in life, but right now that cannot be.

4. She doesn’t know.

Then I suppose there will come a time when you do know what you want, and when that time comes, I’d like you to ask me to talk again. I’m not giving you any sort of ultimatum, I want you to be free to choose whatever you like and it doesn’t have to be at this minute.

So there you have it. This is what I came up with while showering tonight although I’d been pondering it most of the day.

you’re a hot mess, i’m loving it hell yes…

I’m sort of sad that I didn’t go to the Cobra Starship concert this summer. Kay and I had tickets and everything and I can’t quite remember why we didn’t go but something tells me it was just pure laziness. It’s a shame really.

I swore to myself I was going to update, and so here I am. Albeit since it’s past midnight there is no technical Monday entry, but what the fuck who cares anyway? Work was fine, I made $40 so I can’t complain too much for two and a half hours of toil and only 6 parties, one of which was my parents.

I talked to JD today on the phone for a bit before work. I told him about how I was feeling particularly blue about everything going on with Amanda and my life etc. He really is a good uncle to me, and not an altogether bad listener/advice giver. Andrena is too, I talked to her either last night or the night before, I can’t quite remember.

I sent her a message today saying that once the holidays and shit were over that I wanted to sit down and talk. At the time I had no idea what I wanted to say, but I spent alot of time thinking about it as I got ready for work (ironing?!?! WHAT?!?! yes it really happened, hell hath frozen over).

I want to tell her that us breaking up really wasn’t about her, it was about me. I was (am) lost, I’ve forgotten who I am and I need to find that person again because I miss her terribly. I need a purpose in my life again and she wasn’t able to help me find that right now. It might be blame to suggest she was preventing it – I don’t really think she was – but I think she wasn’t aiding me the way a significant other should. How could I possibly be in a healthy relationship when I don’t know who I am, when I hate who I am? So that’s the real reason I think that I ended things. I needed to step off on my own to find myself, which blows huge fucking hairy monkey balls (see living with my grandparents in the pornstar-closet-bedroom) but such is life.

I’m not sure what I want her to say in return. I just hope she says something. Being around her hurts, because I feel like it reminds me of how much I really lost myself and all the signs I should have seen along the way before it was too late – it makes me feel like a failure. But being apart from her hurts too, because she was such a huge part of how I defined myself before that I have a huge hole.

I watched New Moon tonight – that’s the book I was reading the summer after senior year when Amanda and I were forced apart by my (our?) parents (or by our own stupidity, regardless it’s unimportant why). I remember feeling that hole Bella talked about, the hole that lasts for months and months that nothing can fill. I just want to say, that the second half of that movie is bullshit though because life doesn’t work like that after you leave someone. Bella found Jacob and yes, maybe he’s sorta tapped as well, and he’s got his werewolf issues to deal with, but at the end of the day, he wasn’t as selfish as Edward. Because I think the reason Ed leaves Bella is also bullshit – he’s not protecting her, he’s afraid. It’s going to be too hard with his family to take care of her, she’s too much to worry about, she’s a handful.

I’m projecting obviously (book characters anyone?) but I really do feel like he just copped out. Bella ought to have stayed with Jake after she saved Ed’s life. I completely support her going to save him, he was an idiot, who in his own selfish ways obviously did love her because he wasn’t willing to live without her, but if his love was that unconditional, he never would have left in the first place, he would have found a way to make it work. Jake was at least trying to do that until Alice showed up at Bella’s house and they fled the country to save Edward’s sorry ass.

I think that’s the heart and soul of my problem. I wish she hadn’t given up so easily on me. I wish that when I’d said I needed time, I needed space, that she could have given me it – what I’d given her countless times before when she freaked the hell out on me for one reason or another. I know that I’m difficult to live with, I know thats especially the case when I’m depressed and slowly losing my mind, but I wish she’d stuck it out. That’s really all I wanted from her – I guess it was too much to ask.