Overslept, no class this morning for me. Hate myself. I worked and made $46 but made a large deposit at the bank because I hadn’t been in three weeks. I then went to Target and bought clothes (although I just went in there for an alarm clock – except I didn’t know it needed batteries so it’s not going to do me any good tomorrow either).
I conned Jess into coming out to hookah with me and then Johnny Rockets tonight. We just had some bonding time – it was nice. We talked about Alex, this kid in the lab she TAs for that she’s into who is 23 – which is huge for her since they are usually jailbait. I talked about Amanda. I talked about what’s been going on and how I’m feeling and shit. I talked about how, when at Target, I bought her a pair of Valentine’s Day boxers – I really do have a problem.
In so far as Valentine’s Day goes, everyone gets so bent out of shape about it, I don’t understand. The past three years I’ve had a Valentine (my girlfriend) except not once have we actually celebrated together because she’s been working or we’ve had school or whatever. Once again we won’t be celebrating – she’s working, I’m working and oh yeah right, we aren’t anything to each other to be celebrating. Other than that though, Jess has it marked as Single’s Awareness Day on her calendar and I think it’s a bit much. Being single isn’t anything to be ashamed of and frankly the fact that the media and commercialized society make it out to be a negative thing and rub it in the faces of everyone without a Valentine that they ought to be lonely and unhappy just suck hairy monkey balls. So there.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged 38 special, amanda, CALC, college, cranky, eating, hookah, jess, oversleeping, shopping, singles awareness day, target, valentines day
This is a past midnight rant so please, take care.
The fact that Amanda feels guilty that she hung out tonight with her friends instead of me makes me feel good to be honest. I mean I can recognize that’s not exactly healthy but I can’t help it. I’m interested in why she feels guilty — because she’d rather be with me? Because I want her to be with me? Because she knows she should be hanging out with me?
And that’s the other thing. We still haven’t talked about what happened, so there’s no ‘should’s or ‘ought to’s because there isn’t — us.
And then I text her when I get out of work like I always do, and I get no response for two hours. I just assumed she was still playing or had fallen asleep. Then she texts me around 12:30 and says she’s drunk at her house — and that’s all I get. I text her goodnight an hour or so later when I get home from hanging out with Jess and her response is that she’s still playing Wii with Tracey and Lelia.
And it fucking pisses me off. Am I wrong? Like, I guess I do hold her to a sort of double standard, I just wanted her to tell me about her day and what they played and stuff. Okay, that and fuck, I’ve never been allowed at her house past midnight, and it’s WAY PAST MIDNIGHT. And they’re smashed on top of all of it.
Did I fucking miss something? Perhaps I’m overtired from a stressful night at work. I just wanted to say goodnight to her.
Okay that, and Tracey is a fucking fat cow. And I hate that Amanda write that she loves Lelia all over her twitter and spends so much time with her. I’m just a green monster. Fuck.
Posted in Journal
Tagged amanda, annoyed, cranky, drinking, friends, jealousy, lelia, parties i'm not invited to, relationships, screwed up relationships, taylor swift, thinking outloud, trust
I’m sick. Sore throat, runny nose, sorta miserable. I’m not going to Jen’s tonight on account of this (which means Kay isn’t going and also that I shall not have even a remote possible chance of seeing Harry – or Amanda) and it makes me sad. I could still go, I just think I’d feel especially like crap if I drank or smoked, which would only serve to make me extra cranky.
I helped Mom with Miriam today when they went on a field trip to get presents for their families. I’ve never noticed before how crowds of people shy away from or can’t make eye contact with those accompanying someone who is visibly disabled. She’s on a vent in a wheelchair – she’s not a green alien or something. The way people tripped over themselves to get out of our way was embarrassing for them. Then Miriam pulled the arm off a manikin in Old Navy, sort of making my morning.
I got home and though I still felt lousy, I wrapped all my presents, so I’m officially done with all but the gift giving/opening aspects of the holiday. The other house cleaning aspects are causing Nana to go crazy and me to want to strangle her. The washing machine is broken now (only hot water will work) so if I want to clean anything sometime soon, I’ve got to go to the laundromat. I swear that laundry problems plague me wherever I go.
I’m missing her again, making myself depressed and only causing me to feel worse. I was looking through old pictures. Hence the attachments. They are both from last year, the first around October after I’d moved into Pinehurst, the second in June at Pride downtown.
Fucking hate myself sometimes. UGH.