Tag Archives: party

it messed me up need a second to breathe…

It’s been a very interesting day. I was supposed to go to Financial Aid today with my dad to set up my package for next semester and file my 2010 FAFSA. However, I did not do that because I spent c.4 hours at Amanda’s house.

I can already feel the judgemental stare and the – you know you shouldn’t have done that. I don’t regret my decision though.

It started off that I was going over around 11:30 after her dad left for work because she was skipping working in the shop this morning. We were going to have brunch together for an hour or so before my appointment on the other side of the city at 1. I had a cup of coffee but we really spent the first 45 minutes taking the dogs outside, watching some Buffy and being a bit awkward.

And then we’re standing in her kitchen and I say something, and my arms are around her neck and we’re kissing (with the dogs sort of just staring at us, which is funny). This continued for a good half hour, just making out in her kitchen – and then things get a little more intense. At this point it’s 12:30 and I tell her I have to leave, between breaths and kisses. And she asks me to stay.

So I had a few options. I knew what would happen if I stayed – we’re standing at the top of the flight of stairs to the front door, I’m holding my coat and shes sucking on my fingers and says she wants me. I’m thinking that I know what happens if I stay, which is something I want but I don’t think I’m ready for because then what does that do to whatever it is we have now? And I know that if I leave, yeah I’m the one who leaves her in suspence, but I don’t get what I want either and I’m the one who said no. Okay, and not to mention, how often does this situation (opportunity?) occur. Given the lack of action in my life lately, let’s say very infrequently – and I’ve also been fantasizing about said situation.

So I pulled a 2007 move and called my dad to tell him the office had rescheduled for Monday and called the office to ask if I could reschedule for Monday (lets hope she doesn’t mention this at the actually meeting now on Monday) and stayed with Amanda until 3.

I let things go way farther than I ought to perhaps, but I don’t regret so much what I did, because I did it knowing full well that I would get attached, no matter what’s happened between us in the past or how much I try to convince myself otherwise. And lying in her bed in her arms, her skin touching mine, her tucking my hair behind my ear, I couldn’t help but love her (I didn’t say it though, because I can’t commit to that).

She’s all – what? what’s that look for? – and my only response is that it’s her. She didn’t really understand at first, but it’s because it was her, like really her that I was there with, finally her and it was real. Not really something I wanted to spew out, because I felt like us being all gooey instead of all passionate and intense gave it the idea that it had to mean more than it did. Because I’m not going to say it meant nothing, sex doesn’t mean nothing, being that close with someone doesn’t mean nothing, but it didn’t have to mean that we were serious — or just more than what we are? That makes no sense written down but in my head (and especially at the time) it made complete sense. Again, that’s not something I said to her.

Not related really to this, but afterwards she’s all wicked awkward saying she’s out of practice and she needs to work on things because I’m like Karma Sutra Certified (does that exist?). To be honest, she does need to work on some things, she’s not great in bed but I tend to think (at least for now) it’s the thought that counts and the fact that she can’t quite get me off doesn’t especially bother me especially knowing that she’s going to work on it in the future (does this mean we’re hooking up again soon?). Can anyone offer suggested reading materials I ought to point out? Videos? *giggle

We haven’t talked about this. Her mom was on her way home and so we dressed and left the house (her to class, me to no place in particular) without a chance to talk about what this meant (if anything) and whether or not we’re pretending it didn’t happen. She was at work right after class and just texted me goodnight. I mentioned I was glad I stayed and she agreed but that was the end of the convo with a gnite xoxo.

So essentially I’ve fucked shit up (no pun intended). I did so knowingly and don’t deny that in the slightest and I’m taking full responsibility but still this blows. I want her right now, just here with me, to feel her skin against mine and be warm in bed. I didn’t get that at Pinehurst, not at Huxley and hell’s going to freeze over before I get that living with the Gestapo. If there’s any potential for us to get to sleep together (sexually or otherwise because honestly I’d happily crawl into bed completely rated G and go to sleep) it’s going to be at her house, most likely when there’s no one else around and maybe for an hour or two if I’m lucky.

Does this mean that now that she’s gotten some after nearly 4 months (o.O OMG) she’s satistfied and won’t feel the need to wander? Does it mean that she’s gotten what she wanted so she’s going to ignore me until the need gets strong again? Does this mean that we’ve screwed up any chance of us taking things slowly? Or does it mean nothing – nothing to her and therefore nothing to me. Because I can spout whatever bullshit I want, but this didn’t mean nothing to me. If anything it confirms what I’ve always known – that our physical chemistry and just even the fucking smell of her skin can sustain me, the way she looked at me (oh fuck I’m making myself cry).

I’ve just gone and complicated everything and now I want her so badly and I’m just working myself up over it. I need to calm the hell down – part of this is because I didn’t take my fourth pill today so I’m a little on edge this late in the day. I need to just chill out and get some sleep and maybe I’ll have perspective on this tomorrow or something.

I guess I just want this to have meant something to her, something more than just us letting go of restraint for a few hours and then going back to however things were before. Because I feel like that’s house it’s all going to go down, things just going back to the way they were. Which is probably for the best right? I didn’t want a relationship and I still don’t honestly know how much I trust her, no matter how much I love her. I want this to make her want to commit to me and only me, none of this ‘i’m going to this party and i’m not responsible for what i do’ bullshit that she gave me the other night about Jen’s 21st birthday party (to which it seems I’m not invited, big surprise).

We’re just complicated. Life is so beautifully fucked up.


meet me halfway…

It’s been awhile, things have been sorta crazed, I’ll admit. I’m not entirely sure what I have to say, I mused the other day and was convinced I would write something meaningful and provocative and that obviously did not occur. The day I spent in the library farting around for five hours was a complete waste of my time. I didn’t finish WMNS so I’m officially an entire year behind schedule. I fucking suck, I just want to put that out there.

Went to Jen’s last night for a party and we had a lot of fun. Amanda didn’t go (she had to work apparently) but I think she was just avoiding me. Regardless, I’m actually very glad she didn’t show and her friends and I had fun. Jen (albiet drunk) told me she thought I was a better friend than Amanda anyways. I agree.

I talked to Amanda the other night and she just pissed me off. She was going on and on and on about how awesome and busy she is socially and shit. I don’t give a fuck that Lelia and then gave her edible underwear and sex toys for Christmas at her house the 11th at the party she held. And frankly I also doubt how accurate that is, since she’s got a pentchant for lying that I was reminded of last night by both Jen and Weez. (I dislike calling Eloise “Weez” but that seems to be catching on with me, ick. She’s still MissE in my phone though.)

Kait and Jen ended up sloshed per usual (just like in March at Amanda’s teacher’s house) but did not end up making out with eachother. Jen’s got her gf Shawna and Kait ended up hooking up with Mara. I suppose I should feel just a bit guilty for letting her go off like that, but she’s not really my friend (as I have been repeatedly reminded) and she doesn’t really see me as a friend of hers, so she’s not really my responsibility. If Amanda was there, she’d have freaked the hell out (as I’m sure she will when she finds out what went down come to think of it) but Kait is a big girl and if she chooses to drink while on medication, as long as she’s not trying to off herself, there’s not too much I can do about her. Mara shouldn’t have done what she did, her boyfriend Kyle is in Korea right now and called her before all this went down, but again, not my concern.

I will say however, that Kay and I waited an extra hour before leaving when we found out that Kait had gotten really wasted and thrown up all over herself and the bed she was sleeping in (Bill’s bed, Jen’s roommate who has gone home for break). I did my best to make sure she was okay (vomit is not something I can easily deal with) and I think I did pretty well, since Weez was gagging in the other room. Kay and I held her hair for a bit and eventually it was decided that Mitch (who had come with Kait, and frankly, as Mikayla’s little brother, was the one who was really supposed to be responsible for Kait) was sober enough to take care of her and make sure she was okay. Jen by this time was passed out in bed (she was fine, I’d checked on her already), Lisa was in the car ready to leave, and Weez and Mara were going home with her. The boys had left an hour or so before (typical).

All in all, I’d say it was an eventful night. I drove Kay’s car home (since she’d been drinking and I ALWAYS end up being the sober one, most likely by subconscious choice since everyone else seems to need to be taken care of) and as we’re pulling out of Jen’s driveway, I can’t get the car into third gear. We knew Kay was overdue for an oil change (I’m guilty of that as well in fact) but I didn’t know it had been that bad. I was really nervous that we weren’t going to make it back to Erin’s, where we were staying the night a few towns over.

I pulled into the first Mobil we saw and bought oil, after checking the manual of course. It took us a good half hour to open her hood and let the engine cool a bit before adding the oil but Lucy purred when I started her up again so we did make it back to Erin’s c.3am. Our adventures never cease to amaze me.

Harry blew us off last night, and by us I mean technically me and Kay but really I just mean me. We were supposed to toke up and he just flaked out which I think had something to do with him also not wanting to see me (although mostlikely for different reasons than Amanda – I hope…?) He had an exam at 8am this morning and he needed to study. I don’t doubt that he still got trashed last night however.

Tonight I’m supposed to go out to celebrate Julie’s 21st birthday. I got called out of work because of the storm (which I’m pleased about since I didn’t want to go in to begin with after having a slight headache from getting about 3 hours of sleep on the floor in Erin’s living room) but that same storm may well prevent us from all going out. If that’s the case I’m going to be very bummed out.

I’m sure there are other things I could mention right now, but nothing specifically comes to mind. I’m going to attempt to keep up now that my computer monitor has been fixed (again).

this time, we’re doing it right…

Another day of not going to class. I did email Dr. Murphy and at least let him know. The Bros are having a kegger in the basement just below my room, in fact they are playing beer pong on a door lifted on two cinder blocks. I’m very annoyed if you couldn’t tell but I figure I have to wait until at least 1am before I call the police – the more people who get arrested the better in my opinion. Honestly, if they had asked or at least let me know they were having the party it would have gone over better with me. But having to find out from Traecy does not make me very happy. 

Tonight was lousy on the whole anyways. Starbucks if fucking pissing me off. I was supposed to have tomorrow night off because I have to work at Perishable but Laurie put me on anyway and I can’t find someone to cover. So I talked to Vanessa and she got Amanda W. to cover for me as the House Manager since I have to show up at Starbucks now or lose my job. Laurie fucking did it to me again for next weekend but I left her a nasty note highlighting where I’d requested the time off in writing in the book. Tomorrow I’d only verbally told her and she claimed she didn’t remember so I was responsible for the shift. Well next weekend this isn’t going down again because even if I need the money, I swear I’ll quit. Nobody else I know gets so much shit from their job, seriously.

Amanda drove me to work tonight when she came to drop off the laundry she did for me. Things between us are just weird. It’s just fucking weird. I walked to Starbucks so I could get numbers to try and find people to cover (this was before I talked to Vanessa and we got AW to cover). I told Ernie about us and KaRon too but it’s so hard because of people’s reactions. I doubt Amanda talked to Jenny about it – and honestly I don’t really care if she did or not. Jen is just so annoying these days and I swear if I have to take care of her one more time when she gets piss drunk I’m going to scream. 

img_0066Everybody was on edge because of the review from Monday night. Nicole basically got an awful review while the rest of the cast was highly praised. The thing is, the guy was right in saying that the play really isn’t about her. I think Meg intended it to be when she wrote it, but in actuality it’s about Patti and Alex’s characters (the Russian Mob) and not about

Agnetta (who Nicole plays). Vanessa I guess said this to her tonight which I’m sure went over extremely well – Nicole was just pissy the rest of the night and skipped some of her lines. The show actually went awful tonight but with a house of only 19 I guess it wasn’t a complete disaster. 


Amanda basically ignored me all night, but I suppose that’s to be expected. She ripped her jeans in the crotch today (which makes this like the 6th pair she’s done this to – who the hell rips their jeans in the crotch?) so tomorrow we’re going to Torrid to get her a new pair that her mom is paying for. Friends do that right, go shopping together I mean. She’s coming to pick me up around 9am I guess. Hopefully I’ll sleep tonight with the banger just below. I popped a few Benadryls so I ought to be out soon. Medicated sleep blows but I think it beats not sleeping at all.




I cleaned out my room last night. I blame the anxiety because I only clean when I’m upset. It looks really good though and it’s nice to be able to move around. Ever since Laura moved in, slowly every piece of furnature I own has made it’s way in here. I’m not altogether sure that I’m comfortable with that, but there’s not much I can do about it I guess. If I leave the stuff out, the dogs either try to eat it or piss all over it. 

So I just figured out that I can upload photos to my blog – my life might be made. It’s sad when it comes to that.



The paintings that are in the photos (the one of the girl in the blue dress and the one of the albums) are original works from my painting class last semester. The album painting is based on my living room wall.

And if you don’t think the room looks all that clean, then at least you didn’t see it before. 😀