Tag Archives: those three words

why can’t i breathe whenever i think about you…

I want to make her an ‘Edward Survival Kit’ for the last two weeks of rehearsal before they put on Edward II. I dont know what we are or where it comes from or anything, I just feel like I have to trust her, even if it makes me uneasy sometimes. How can I love someone so much who I dont trust?

I have to trust that she cares enough about me to not intentionally screw with me. I have to trust that she wants this to work and that she’s really going to try. I also have to stop trying to change her and accept her for who she is. She will always tell Lelia she loves her, no matter how much it bothers me, and that’s never going to change. Maybe the girl I dated in highschool wouldn’t have but she’s different now, and so am I. Sadly, I’m a lot more sensitive to that sort of thing than I think I used to be, although it’s difficult to tell because we tend to remember ourselves in better terms.

I don’t think I’m going to tell her that I know she started writing in her blog again. I’m also really going to try not to let it bother me that she doesn’t talk about me – I’d rather she wasn’t saying anything than saying bad things. At the same time, her talking about taking Nicole to Jen’s 21st birthday party (to which I am officially not invited) as her date bothers me. I’m only human. And I’m a jealous human at that.

We haven’t really talked in the last few days. I offered to bring her dinner tonight and she turned me down, so it’s doubtful of our seeing eachother soon. I can’t help but wonder if that’s a good thing. Wed was — is — undefined and I don’t like to see it linger in the air between us unspoken. The longer it hangs there, the greater a chance of its becoming something we decide to forget about.

My problem being, I don’t want to forget about it. I don’t know what exactly I want, but her skin is all I’ve thought about for nearly a week. All I have thought about is wanting her – it’s making me especially depraved of late. On the upside, I spent an hour and a half nearly today at the gym and signed up officially. At least that might put a dent in my anxiety/stress/sexual repression outlet. Perhaps not.

Liz Phair came on the radio today on my way back from the gym. I just drove and cried as that song played. I have to let go, I’m holding on so tightly to loving her and needing her and it’s killing me (no really sometimes I wonder). I just need to let her live her life and if I fit in then so be it. And if I don’t, then there’s nothing I could do about it anyway, I just have to deal. I also need to live my life – I need to move on and stop harboring wishes for and from the past. [Can I just say though, that the fact that I’m the one trying to accept her for who she is and not try to change her, what about her accepting that I need things too?]

She’s the biggest part of my recent past and it’s so hard. I just want her around and I want it to be like old times – except we’re different people, at different places. She’s graduating next semester if all goes according to plan and I won’t be till the end of next year. I went to breakfast with Em sunday morning and we were sort of talking about this. She might have $3.28 in her checking account, but she has no debt, no bills to pay, she’s starting off with a clean slate once she graduates. I wish I had that ability to wipe mine clean and start over. I’m trying these days to clean things up, but who knows how it will really all go down.

Peter’s probably going to take Kay and Alyssa to court for abandoning the apt and breaking the lease. I’m hopefully meeting with him Wednesday afternoon-ish so that we can figure out what I’d owe him for the rest of the term of the lease. I don’t want to get dragged into legal issues, I don’t have that kind of $$ or that kind of time.

In the end, for the next few months, I’m looking forward to trying again. Trying college again, retaking a class I failed, having patience with life not going as fast as I’d like it to sometimes or as slowly as other times. I need to have me space, and me time and worry less about taking care of her and more about taking care of me. I want to get a hot body for summah! I want summer to come and I want to look at myself in the mirror (and not only see me fit & firm) and know myself, be proud of myself. I want to be proud of everything I’ve overcome and every accomplishment I’ve made. I want to love myself again.

And if somewhere along the way, Amanda might love me too, I’d be pretty excited. Reality says that the real likelihood of us lasting is slim to none, especially if I can’t be enough of my own person to stand alone. I need to grow a bit of a backbone.

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it messed me up need a second to breathe…

It’s been a very interesting day. I was supposed to go to Financial Aid today with my dad to set up my package for next semester and file my 2010 FAFSA. However, I did not do that because I spent c.4 hours at Amanda’s house.

I can already feel the judgemental stare and the – you know you shouldn’t have done that. I don’t regret my decision though.

It started off that I was going over around 11:30 after her dad left for work because she was skipping working in the shop this morning. We were going to have brunch together for an hour or so before my appointment on the other side of the city at 1. I had a cup of coffee but we really spent the first 45 minutes taking the dogs outside, watching some Buffy and being a bit awkward.

And then we’re standing in her kitchen and I say something, and my arms are around her neck and we’re kissing (with the dogs sort of just staring at us, which is funny). This continued for a good half hour, just making out in her kitchen – and then things get a little more intense. At this point it’s 12:30 and I tell her I have to leave, between breaths and kisses. And she asks me to stay.

So I had a few options. I knew what would happen if I stayed – we’re standing at the top of the flight of stairs to the front door, I’m holding my coat and shes sucking on my fingers and says she wants me. I’m thinking that I know what happens if I stay, which is something I want but I don’t think I’m ready for because then what does that do to whatever it is we have now? And I know that if I leave, yeah I’m the one who leaves her in suspence, but I don’t get what I want either and I’m the one who said no. Okay, and not to mention, how often does this situation (opportunity?) occur. Given the lack of action in my life lately, let’s say very infrequently – and I’ve also been fantasizing about said situation.

So I pulled a 2007 move and called my dad to tell him the office had rescheduled for Monday and called the office to ask if I could reschedule for Monday (lets hope she doesn’t mention this at the actually meeting now on Monday) and stayed with Amanda until 3.

I let things go way farther than I ought to perhaps, but I don’t regret so much what I did, because I did it knowing full well that I would get attached, no matter what’s happened between us in the past or how much I try to convince myself otherwise. And lying in her bed in her arms, her skin touching mine, her tucking my hair behind my ear, I couldn’t help but love her (I didn’t say it though, because I can’t commit to that).

She’s all – what? what’s that look for? – and my only response is that it’s her. She didn’t really understand at first, but it’s because it was her, like really her that I was there with, finally her and it was real. Not really something I wanted to spew out, because I felt like us being all gooey instead of all passionate and intense gave it the idea that it had to mean more than it did. Because I’m not going to say it meant nothing, sex doesn’t mean nothing, being that close with someone doesn’t mean nothing, but it didn’t have to mean that we were serious — or just more than what we are? That makes no sense written down but in my head (and especially at the time) it made complete sense. Again, that’s not something I said to her.

Not related really to this, but afterwards she’s all wicked awkward saying she’s out of practice and she needs to work on things because I’m like Karma Sutra Certified (does that exist?). To be honest, she does need to work on some things, she’s not great in bed but I tend to think (at least for now) it’s the thought that counts and the fact that she can’t quite get me off doesn’t especially bother me especially knowing that she’s going to work on it in the future (does this mean we’re hooking up again soon?). Can anyone offer suggested reading materials I ought to point out? Videos? *giggle

We haven’t talked about this. Her mom was on her way home and so we dressed and left the house (her to class, me to no place in particular) without a chance to talk about what this meant (if anything) and whether or not we’re pretending it didn’t happen. She was at work right after class and just texted me goodnight. I mentioned I was glad I stayed and she agreed but that was the end of the convo with a gnite xoxo.

So essentially I’ve fucked shit up (no pun intended). I did so knowingly and don’t deny that in the slightest and I’m taking full responsibility but still this blows. I want her right now, just here with me, to feel her skin against mine and be warm in bed. I didn’t get that at Pinehurst, not at Huxley and hell’s going to freeze over before I get that living with the Gestapo. If there’s any potential for us to get to sleep together (sexually or otherwise because honestly I’d happily crawl into bed completely rated G and go to sleep) it’s going to be at her house, most likely when there’s no one else around and maybe for an hour or two if I’m lucky.

Does this mean that now that she’s gotten some after nearly 4 months (o.O OMG) she’s satistfied and won’t feel the need to wander? Does it mean that she’s gotten what she wanted so she’s going to ignore me until the need gets strong again? Does this mean that we’ve screwed up any chance of us taking things slowly? Or does it mean nothing – nothing to her and therefore nothing to me. Because I can spout whatever bullshit I want, but this didn’t mean nothing to me. If anything it confirms what I’ve always known – that our physical chemistry and just even the fucking smell of her skin can sustain me, the way she looked at me (oh fuck I’m making myself cry).

I’ve just gone and complicated everything and now I want her so badly and I’m just working myself up over it. I need to calm the hell down – part of this is because I didn’t take my fourth pill today so I’m a little on edge this late in the day. I need to just chill out and get some sleep and maybe I’ll have perspective on this tomorrow or something.

I guess I just want this to have meant something to her, something more than just us letting go of restraint for a few hours and then going back to however things were before. Because I feel like that’s house it’s all going to go down, things just going back to the way they were. Which is probably for the best right? I didn’t want a relationship and I still don’t honestly know how much I trust her, no matter how much I love her. I want this to make her want to commit to me and only me, none of this ‘i’m going to this party and i’m not responsible for what i do’ bullshit that she gave me the other night about Jen’s 21st birthday party (to which it seems I’m not invited, big surprise).

We’re just complicated. Life is so beautifully fucked up.

you get back what you give away…

So of late my clairvoyance has been right on target (pun?). Yes we went to the mall to shop, yes there was car standing outside in the fucking freezing weather, yes there was kissing. However, there is a caveat to tonight that I think separates it from New Years Day, essentially the point that rather than just breathlessly kissing and then suddenly leaving, there was actual conversation and it was a more controlled sort of thing, not just random spur of the moment. Long sentence.

Anyway, shopping didn’t really start out on the best foot what with her poking fun at my driving and then me forgetting my wallet in the car. It’s one of those things that I know she’s teasing (or at least I’m like 98% sure) but it still rubs me the wrong way. Regardless, we roamed aimlessly for a bit and then went into Torrid which was where she’d wanted to go. Of course she shoots down all my suggestions of outfits (typical m.o.)  for her weekend with Mikayla up in NH – some girl is turning 21 Friday and the gang is heading up to get essentially obliterated the entire weekend.

It did get better as we sloughed off the uncomfortableness for the most part. She knows me well enough to know that I was a bit off tonight, and truth be told I think it’s mostly because I had been thinking about us going shopping since I’d suggested it early last week. I was bummed that I didn’t get to shop for a bathingsuit but it’s supposed to be cold and I’m certainly not going to the beach to freeze my ass off. We still looked at clothes of course, and I did want her to give me some sort of imput when it came to how things looked or what she thought, but when I went to try on, she just sort of wandered away. I chalk it up to the fact that firstly she doesn’t like the stores that I do, although I am attentive when we go places she wants to (read: lids? olympia sports? ugh). I think the second part of that is that she wasn’t sure if I wanted her opinion, like if I wanted her there in the dressing room with me, which I can’t say I really know if I’d have been comfortable with that or not.

I’m rambling. By the end, I just felt that we’d started off awkwardly for whatever reason but it had mostly resolved itself by the time we were outside by our cars. I feel like that’s sort of our thing, standing in the cold by the cars chatting. I think its because it’s neutral ground, me against my car, her against hers.

Then she randomly asks me if we can agree on something, of course I ask what. She says that she won’t hook up with anyone while she’s away if I don’t – and I think my jaw must’ve hit the pavement because I really wasn’t expecting her to say that. My response was that I had no intention, whatever my status with her was, of letting anything happen in FL, which I believe I’ve expressed her before, albeit not for reasons concerning Amanda but my own shit.

She asked me what I thought about it in relation to her, and I was like, of course I would prefer she didn’t do something like that but was it something that she wanted to do? She said no, but to tell her what I wanted, not what I prefered. So I took her face in my hands and I told her that I didn’t want her with anyone else – and then we kissed, doesn’t matter who instigated. We talked about how physically we can connect but sometimes socially we’re just so separate – I make her crazy and I told her that honestly a good 90% of the time, that’s not my intention, but she should know she also makes me want to beat her sometimes.

We also talked about me being an independent woman, or striving toward being one, and what that means for me. She said as I work on that, she’s going to work on her prudishness, which I said was okay, but inside I was just thinking that was sort of a lousy thing to be working on, since that’s not the biggest thing about her that bothers me. I want her to work on her availability – but me wanting that is admittedly tied into my dependency/independence issues.

The cake topper to all of this, is that as we’re saying goodbye, those three little words come out of her mouth and I just didn’t say anything. She recovered quickly with a – yeah I said it, because you’re going away, it just slipped out – and I just kept my mouth shut. I do love her (obviously), but I won’t say it until I’m in love with her, whether or not that’s something that will happen now or at another time. Because as much as I enjoyed kissing her (and had looked forward to it, which I did tell her), when we were shopping it felt a little tense to me and forced. I don’t want my relationships like that, I won’t let them be, and until it isn’t I don’t think I can be genuinely in love with her. And that’s just the truth.

I will however say that hearing her say those three words in the breath between kisses did make my heart skip a beat and it’s what I’m hanging onto tonight before I go to sleep. Whatever that’s worth.