Tag Archives: honesty

there’s a thin line ‘tween the dark side and the light side

I’m not even going to preface this with a statement about morality. Just read it. Continue reading

the stars that pierce the sky;

[the backstory to this conversation is that Amanda’s tires were sliced this evening when she got out of rehearsal. Dan, Lelia, Tracy and Alex helped her get home. She didn’t call me to tell me any of this – she told me online]
B: how are dan, lelia and the girls?
A: fine, saved my ass
amazing really, i have to make them cookies for tomorrow
or something
idk what
but like i would have been fucked if they werent there tonight
B: 🙂 theyll love it
yeah im glad they took care of u
A: me too
and ive really got to do something for lelia because like there was so much drama today idk how shes even talking to me
B: y what happened?
A: we had drama at lunch that turned into me almost physically hurting steff
B: whatd she do?
A: we had a thing where we were rating what percentage we like boys/girls
basically quickly turned into chaos where steff basically asked, for me, which i never even wanted to go there, if lelia was gay
which was SO out of line
because its never the time or the place
B: tru. but its not like everyone doesnt kno u like her
A: its not like she asked hey lelia, amanda wants to know if youre gay type of question
B: well thats good at least?
A: no its not
it has nothing to do with lelia
its her running her mouth
B:  im sure that u and lelia have had that discussion, its just none of steffs business if she hasnt talked to lelia about it
A: we actually havent even had that discussion at all [LIES]
B: orly?
A: so i felt she crossed a line that is kind of a sentsitive thing
and its not like a specific me and lelia thing
either
its just like
seriosuly steff
are you kidding me
B: she obvs didnt think it was a big deal
A: yes she did, she just hides it v well
B: so then what was she playing at?
A: who?
B: steff
A: i have no idea
B: if she knew it was a big deal she must have been looking for a response
A: ohh i thought you meant lelia before
steff likes to push buttons that dont need to be pushed
and she enjoys it soo much it makes me ill
B: like i said, she obvs knows u have feelings for lelia and shes fucking with that. god only knows why but thats not fair. and u have every right to be pissed
[time passes]
B: sry – if u dont wanna have this conversation with me i understand
A: its fine
i just got side tracked
and i know this is friend brie
and i know that sucks
and im sorry
B: if you love her theres no right for me to stand in ur way, only to offer u advice as ur friend
A: ok, wehere did that come from
im was just pissed that steff sucks
and id be pissed if she did that to anyone else
i mean not like 100, but probably 85
B: i kno
A: its the asking, persisting on asking if someones gay, not even that its lelia
B: no of course shes wrong in pressing that. especially among friends – thats awful
i was bridging to the whole situation, not steff being a bitch
A: oh sorry
my bad
why the whole situation?
B: bc it needed to be said. and its what ive been trying to talk to u about but since i havent seen you and im not sure when i will bc of everything thats going on – i just wanted u to kno
[time passes]
A: like, sigh
this is not what i wanted to talk about
because i dont really know where i stand or anything
because i know were on the road to getting back together and like
i cant make any judgement calls with us or with her
so im not making any at all
and thats how i need it to be, if i do start doing anything with anybody i might go off the deep end at this point
B: i kno tonight was not a good night to brng this up after the day u had
i wouldnt have except i read what u wrote incorreclty and i opened my mouth
A: im sorry, i just cant function or make logical decissions about it
B: but once i wrote it i couldnt take it back
so i just kept going. which wasnt fair. and i am sorry
A: no i mean there must have been something specific that made you ask it
talking about girls
all of them
im plagued by overemotion tonight
lay it on me
B: me too, overemotion
we dont have to talk about this right now
A: omg i think i might throw up
B: do u want to talk about it now? i feel awful about bringing it up when ur already a wreck i dont want to make it worse
i kno we will eventually – it doesnt have to be right at this moment unless u want it to be
A: maybe later?
B: of course
A: i really just cant take all the drama
B: ikno
most life drama is unaviodable so that which can be offers the opportunity to postpone it i suppose
Twitter: i might throw up. and a million different scenarios are playing thru my head. fuck.
Blog:  yeah hey, so i think i just made the biggest mistake of 2010. and its only february.
holyshit, ive got to go throw up now.
She’s been talking to Lelia online since then, they’re both on FB still. I didn’t want this to go down tonight. I’m completely a wreck, I’ve cried myself out of tears. I don’t even know what to say, I can’t even process this. Can anyone?

this is how i live, this is what i give…

I’ve been pondering. I think what I’m trying to do right now is steer Amanda and me clear of the ‘cutsie stage’ – the part where people fawn over each other (honeymoon phase? but it’s a little different). We used to make mixCDs and exchange them, more than twenty in all if you count both those I gave her and those she gave me.

I used to write her poetry, but stopped about a year after we started dating. The last poem I wrote her this summer I gave her the only copy of it I had and so I don’t have it anymore, which is very disappointing. These days I’ve only written hate/angsty poetry for her. I even used to write her love letters – I was very romantic. I guess the romance is what I’m trying to keep out – which would make sense because technically there isn’t anything going on between us.

We’ve talked on the phone or at least texted everyday so far this year, which I’m pleased with. We did talk about some important things, like if this whatever we have has a name, which it doesn’t we decided because even labeling it puts pressure that doesn’t need to be there. We talked about how ‘exclusive’ whatever this is, is, and our views on seeing other people and sleeping with them. There are things we’ve always disagreed about and yes, of course it would upset me if she went and dated Lelia and fucked around with her, yes this bothers me. We’re trying a complete honesty things with each other, I’m curious to see how that pans out because while I might not offer certain information up, if pressed directly I’d tell her what I really think.

Not related in any way, I’ve been listening to the Adam Lambert album and I think it’s fantastic. He’s got a great combination of pop-up-tempo and ballads, fuck you songs, and I want to fuck you songs. It’s very much how I’m feeling right now, in so many places at once that a single genre of music just doesn’t suit me. I’m crazy about Music Again which is probably one of my top three favorite tracks. In fact, I get this ABBA feeling and maybe some Beatles or something else, but it’s enjoyable so I’d recommend at least listening to it.

That’s all for now, we’re on our way to go shopping in a half hour or so. Perhaps I’ll have an entry later about us in another parking lot. Hey, it could happen – although the fact that I’ve been fixating on kissing her for the past few days is probably not a good thing, or at least not very healthy on my part.