Tag Archives: shopping

hold on loosely…

Overslept, no class this morning for me. Hate myself. I worked and made $46 but made a large deposit at the bank because I hadn’t been in three weeks. I then went to Target and bought clothes (although I just went in there for an alarm clock – except I didn’t know it needed batteries so it’s not going to do me any good tomorrow either).

I conned Jess into coming out to hookah with me and then Johnny Rockets tonight. We just had some bonding time – it was nice. We talked about Alex, this kid in the lab she TAs for that she’s into who is 23 – which is huge for her since they are usually jailbait. I talked about Amanda. I talked about what’s been going on and how I’m feeling and shit. I talked about how, when at Target, I bought her a pair of Valentine’s Day boxers – I really do have a problem.

In so far as Valentine’s Day goes, everyone gets so bent out of shape about it, I don’t understand. The past three years I’ve had a Valentine (my girlfriend) except not once have we actually celebrated together because she’s been working or we’ve had school or whatever. Once again we won’t be celebrating – she’s working, I’m working and oh yeah right, we aren’t anything to each other to be celebrating. Other than that though, Jess has it marked as Single’s Awareness Day on her calendar  and I think it’s a bit much. Being single isn’t anything to be ashamed of and frankly the fact that the media and commercialized society make it out to be a negative thing and rub it in the faces of everyone without a Valentine that they ought to be lonely and unhappy just suck hairy monkey balls. So there.

and even though, your clothes were on and everything…

I spent the day packing for Florida, I’m so fucking excited! I think it’s taken a bit of time for it to get through my head that I’m really going, this will be the first actual vacation I’m taking alone. I’m the sort of person who always plans going places with friends or something (read: Vegas for Kay and my 21st in may) but plans never pan out or it falls through or there’s no money. In short, so excited. I spent the day parading around the house in shorts and summer tops and checking out my ass in my favorite jeans.

Aside from the fun of sorting through my clothing, I had a rather dry day, not bad by dry. I watched some TV. American Idol cracks me up immensely and although I’ve never followed a season before I’m really going to make an effort to try this time. Besides, Ellen is going to be on, why wouldn’t I want to follow??

Project Runway also started tonight, woohoo for being back in NYC where the show belongs. Fuck Lifetime for screwing that up last season – and I’m sorry but Irina should not have won, Carol Hannah all the way!!! I joined the Tim Gun fanpage of FB, it was necessary. I am also completely in love with Heidi Klum. She is so adorable with Seal, it would be nauseating if it wasn’t so sincere. There’s a really nice article about her in this month’s Style, check it out.

I watched the new SVU – omfg I love Olivia Benson immensely. And that’s not biased because I love Mariska, I love them equally and separately and together etc. I also love Elliot because he’s such a good guy, and I love Dr. Wong – hell I love them ALL.

I’ve got Biggest Loser to catch up with, although I’m not sure how religiously I’ll keep up this season. Jersey Shore was on tonight as well, and guilty pleasure or not, I’m super excited to see what happens next. It’s so wrong and I love it. I ought to be ashamed of their portrayal of Italian Americans (a group which I 75% belong to) but apparently the amusement I gather from watching trumps said shame. According to FB my Jersey Shore nickname is Sookie, which of course makes my evening (Sookie Stackhouse anyone? ^^).

And apparently by ‘some tv’, I meant alot. I won’t prattle on, I’m going to probably watch a movie or read one of the books I got last night while I was out with Amanda. Borders is going out at the mall and everything was like 60-80% off. I bought 3 books, notecards and berts bees lipbalm for under $12. Such a steal.

you get back what you give away…

So of late my clairvoyance has been right on target (pun?). Yes we went to the mall to shop, yes there was car standing outside in the fucking freezing weather, yes there was kissing. However, there is a caveat to tonight that I think separates it from New Years Day, essentially the point that rather than just breathlessly kissing and then suddenly leaving, there was actual conversation and it was a more controlled sort of thing, not just random spur of the moment. Long sentence.

Anyway, shopping didn’t really start out on the best foot what with her poking fun at my driving and then me forgetting my wallet in the car. It’s one of those things that I know she’s teasing (or at least I’m like 98% sure) but it still rubs me the wrong way. Regardless, we roamed aimlessly for a bit and then went into Torrid which was where she’d wanted to go. Of course she shoots down all my suggestions of outfits (typical m.o.)  for her weekend with Mikayla up in NH – some girl is turning 21 Friday and the gang is heading up to get essentially obliterated the entire weekend.

It did get better as we sloughed off the uncomfortableness for the most part. She knows me well enough to know that I was a bit off tonight, and truth be told I think it’s mostly because I had been thinking about us going shopping since I’d suggested it early last week. I was bummed that I didn’t get to shop for a bathingsuit but it’s supposed to be cold and I’m certainly not going to the beach to freeze my ass off. We still looked at clothes of course, and I did want her to give me some sort of imput when it came to how things looked or what she thought, but when I went to try on, she just sort of wandered away. I chalk it up to the fact that firstly she doesn’t like the stores that I do, although I am attentive when we go places she wants to (read: lids? olympia sports? ugh). I think the second part of that is that she wasn’t sure if I wanted her opinion, like if I wanted her there in the dressing room with me, which I can’t say I really know if I’d have been comfortable with that or not.

I’m rambling. By the end, I just felt that we’d started off awkwardly for whatever reason but it had mostly resolved itself by the time we were outside by our cars. I feel like that’s sort of our thing, standing in the cold by the cars chatting. I think its because it’s neutral ground, me against my car, her against hers.

Then she randomly asks me if we can agree on something, of course I ask what. She says that she won’t hook up with anyone while she’s away if I don’t – and I think my jaw must’ve hit the pavement because I really wasn’t expecting her to say that. My response was that I had no intention, whatever my status with her was, of letting anything happen in FL, which I believe I’ve expressed her before, albeit not for reasons concerning Amanda but my own shit.

She asked me what I thought about it in relation to her, and I was like, of course I would prefer she didn’t do something like that but was it something that she wanted to do? She said no, but to tell her what I wanted, not what I prefered. So I took her face in my hands and I told her that I didn’t want her with anyone else – and then we kissed, doesn’t matter who instigated. We talked about how physically we can connect but sometimes socially we’re just so separate – I make her crazy and I told her that honestly a good 90% of the time, that’s not my intention, but she should know she also makes me want to beat her sometimes.

We also talked about me being an independent woman, or striving toward being one, and what that means for me. She said as I work on that, she’s going to work on her prudishness, which I said was okay, but inside I was just thinking that was sort of a lousy thing to be working on, since that’s not the biggest thing about her that bothers me. I want her to work on her availability – but me wanting that is admittedly tied into my dependency/independence issues.

The cake topper to all of this, is that as we’re saying goodbye, those three little words come out of her mouth and I just didn’t say anything. She recovered quickly with a – yeah I said it, because you’re going away, it just slipped out – and I just kept my mouth shut. I do love her (obviously), but I won’t say it until I’m in love with her, whether or not that’s something that will happen now or at another time. Because as much as I enjoyed kissing her (and had looked forward to it, which I did tell her), when we were shopping it felt a little tense to me and forced. I don’t want my relationships like that, I won’t let them be, and until it isn’t I don’t think I can be genuinely in love with her. And that’s just the truth.

I will however say that hearing her say those three words in the breath between kisses did make my heart skip a beat and it’s what I’m hanging onto tonight before I go to sleep. Whatever that’s worth.