I don’t want to know what they’re talking about, I haven’t looked. We spoke Saturday night when I asked how she was feeling but that was the last time. I’m not going to be the one – she has got to make an effort. She said she wanted to get together this week. If she can make the time for me, I’ll do it. If she can’t even be bothered to text me to ask how my day was or a simple email, I don’t know where this leaves us. In two weeks, when her rehearsals are over and she’s suddenly got time for me, does it change things? Continue reading
Posted in Conversations, Journal
Tagged apologies, being ignored, beyonce, black out drunk, college, conflict, convo, drinking, friends, getting shitfaced, jen, life, love, parties, reality, relationships, screwed up relationships, sick, stalking, throwing up, WMST, work
saw nick reah – that was interesting. cant find my goddamn classroom and my days already falling apart. she apparently was up at three this morning with piece of mind to blog about how much she adores lelia and their conversation still going on about how lelia doesnt believe it. i wish she adored me – i dont think shes ever said that to me before.
so here i am, that lame girl on her phone sitting in her car. just waiting. i work in 3 hours and i have nowhere to go. i txtd her but a reply is doubtful and a breakfast date is more doubtful still.
i started today with the decision that i was going to succeed. i went to cvs and bought pencils and a notebook and everything. now just fucked up because i cant find my classroom. my own stupidity astounds me.
both when it comes to this and when it comes to her. because i hear how i sound and id slap myself given the chance.
TXT convo this morning
A: Just got up. need to shower
B: I wish i was just starting my day lol long nite?
A: up til 3 so much hwk so tired
B: then i hope very much ur day goes better than mine. its not even half over and im already undone
A: Why wats wrong?
B: I was nice and early for class. Then spent nearly half an hour trying to find the classroom id written down wrong. No one could help me – nowhere for me to check online. So i missed a class even tho i was there in the building. *sigh
B: I just felt silly and lost
A: Babe im sorry. anything i can do?
B: I just really wanted a hug. Theres that feeling of knowing myself that you give me, no matter whats between us
A: im sry babe
B: Really it will be okay. I am who I am & you are you and there are things i cannot change. those however are things i would never change.
A: Ok. as long as ur not flipping out and ur ok
B: I’m going to work in an hour. Im reading at the apt. Really, im ok
A: ok. good.
B: While im thinking about it – would u like dinner delivery?
A: Im going to eat w tracy ill let you know tomorrow. thnx
We finished off the last of the stash tonight so I’ll be sleeping with my window open. Luckily it’s only supposed to get down around 37 tonight, not like the low of 25 last night. But it was worth it, so I’m not complaining.
I didn’t finish the work I needed to for last semester. It’s due in 20min and there’s no way it’s going to happen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I just don’t care. The sliding of my academic value system has been gradual but at this rate I won’t be coming back next semester, which just cannot happen. I talked to Jim and he said I’m still welcome to work here over the summer so at least I’ll have a job. But I need to get my act together. I printed the courses for next semester I’d like to take here, but enrollment isn’t until two days before finals and I’m not holding my breath. I won’t know about financial aid till August anyways. I’m not sure when they’d hold the meeting about my scholarship if I don’t make the requirements (which is seeming to loom doubtfully in the distance). Continue reading
Posted in Journal
Tagged advice, angsty, apartment, assholes, college, conflict, dwc, friends, high, jen, lady gaga, life, reality, relationships, roommates, therapy, work