Tag Archives: anxiety

how far this bad wild childs gonna go…

kay and lyssa getting evicted in and of itself doesnt really bother me, its the fact that they can just so nonchalontly leave everything behind. maybe im jealous’ i mean i wish it was that easily done for me when the time came. they just dont it, the part where once again im losing (or really i suppose leaving behind) part of my life in the things that i cant take with me like the dishes and my furniture. i think im going to offer carlos the hope chest bc it matches the one his mom has and he’d take much better care of it anyways. nan isnt going to want it and i think its beautiful so id love to keep it but giving it to him would make me feel ok about not getting to keep it. i dont want it destroyed by frat boys or whatever.

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i don’t wanna be friends…

Ah well, so I think I’ve complicated my life, although I can’t take full responsibility. Amanda and I went to Target, lightly shopped for like a half hour and they were closing. So we get outside and can’t decide were to go (because she doesn’t want to go back to Grammy’s house right away). We essentially stand there for 45 minutes, me suggesting we go to a movie, or go get coffee or she can come back to the house to play pool.

It’s really awkward, because she asks if I’m trying to trick her, inviting her to the house. I don’t know what she meant, and I asked, but she just kind of laughed and said nothing. Then she makes some suggestions, like sledding, which is never going to happen because I was in a dress. Then she’s like, we could just make out – and I was like, I can give you a hug? It came so out of left field, I just didn’t know what to say.

So we end up getting in the car. Yet another awkwardness ensues because I asked whose car we were getting into because it’s fucking freezing and I was like, well my backseat is clear, we can get in mine. She’s like, why not the front seat? And I don’t really know, it didn’t occur to me that assuming we were sitting in the backseat is weird — but apparently it is/was. Anyway, we get in her car and drive for a bit as she decides we’re going somewhere, even if we don’t know where.

As we’re driving, she puts on her iPod, and OF COURSE, the song that comes on, is Bad Romance by Lady Gaga. She would be my bad romance, I don’t want to be just friends with her. The irony in my life is epic.

We end up at our old high school, where I haven’t been in like at least a year, and we get some high-speed air. We do some more driving around, ending up doing spin outs in the parking lot in front of the market. At that point, I’m wicked nauseous so we head back to the Target parking lot. It’s cold (obviously) but we stand between our cars, me leaning against hers, attempting not to be sick.

The feeling passes, things get less (more?) awkward. There’s talk about not being able to feel my feet. There’s some hugging. Then she’s kissing my neck tentatively and I’m frozen (literally and figuratively). She says she’ll stop if I want her to, and my response is that I don’t know if I want her to stop or not.

Obviously I wasn’t expecting this – I mean it’s exactly what I wanted, her to want me back, her to desperately need me (vain much, god) but I felt uneasy. And then I’ve got goosebumps and I can’t really think anymore because my knees are weak and I’m dizzy (and cold). There’s some discussion about the perfume she’s wearing as I try to guess it, me breathing into her neck – it’s BoraBora, not like that’s pertinent but whatever.

My nose is cold, her’s is nice and warm from being nuzzled in my neck, there’s some Eskimo kisses – and then I think it’s me who finally kisses her for real. And it’s like in the movies, two people who haven’t seen each other in ages get together and are like all over each other. It didn’t go farther than kissing (I wouldn’t have let it, although I say that and who really knows) but we kissed for at least 15 minutes. There’s some breathing pauses of course, and a brief conversation consisting of her declaring she doesn’t ever want to stop kissing me, and my honest response that I’d prefer she never did stop.

Eventually she gets a text message from her mom asking if she’s back at Grammy’s yet, so of course she needs to leave. That’s not too difficult a task I suppose, so there are goodnights, goodbye kisses and I say I’ll text her when I get home. I spent most of the drive home trying not to think about what happened, wondering if this was going to be one of those – we just won’t ever talk about this – moments or if it meant something or what.

So now we’re chatting. And she’s apologized for instigating (which is stupid because I’m equally culpable). She misses me, misses kissing me, misses all of me – and I miss her too. She thinks about me all the time – this is all just so screwed up, I don’t know what I’m feeling right now or what the hell I’m supposed to do or say. I’m getting what I wanted…

And I did get what I wanted, I guess I didn’t give her enough credit. She’s proud of me – which made me cry. We’re not ready for a relationship, but we can be friends and get to know each other again. I told her I didn’t know how long or what I would need, and she said she can wait until I’m ready, which I don’t know if she knows, but that’s exactly what I needed to hear. If things go well, this time it might be different. We have all the time we need.

Things to ponder to keep this in perspective: (since I’m sort of on cloud9 right now) I don’t know what up with her and Lelia – she doesn’t know I know about her and Lelia nor do I know if I should tell her. I’m thinking no, because I dont need anything else screaming freaky stalker. I don’t know how tonight plays into ‘the plan’ but I think it just counts as a speed bump, a cautionary reminder to take it slow because alot of emotion is at stake (admittedly on both sides). This cannot become a soul-sucking obsession of mine (it’s not like it hasn’t been, lets be honest), I need to keep perspective and not let myself drown in emotion.

My new years resolutions (new decade resolutions!) will follow this I’m sure eventually, but right now I’m going to go to sleep and not feel guilty about imagining she’s holding me. Not even a tiny bit guilty.

whaddaya want from me…

My head is in a hundred places right now, so I’m trying to just sort out. Bear with me.

Lunch today with Bucci and Miranda at Fresh City was fantastic. We got to do some bonding (really more me and Bucci than Miranda because she’s so quiet) and it was great to catch up with them. Transfering and leaving them behind was hard on me and I hope that we can retain a friendship although I don’t see them all the time. It’s also pretty awkward that I’m closer these days to Miranda (we had ENG175 together) than I am to Nichole. Backstory on that, they have a very screwed up relationship history which essentially I always thought was due to Miranda but in fact it seems Nichole just lives for the drama. Regardless, I think I can be friends with both of them without choosing a side since I’m not being pressured by anyone.

Now onto what’s making me crazy – Amanda and I are having lunch tomorrow. I’m really trying not to freak the fuck out but it’s not exactly working. Em and I have already had a conversation about what I’m going to wear, how I don’t want to seem like I’m trying too hard when in all actuality I’m really trying much too hard. Jess isn’t thrilled with the idea that I’m even talking to her, and I haven’t told anyone else that I’m seeing her, both for lack of opportunity and lack of people to really tell. I was proud of myself, I didn’t mention it today at lunch at all, I didn’t even mention her name which in the past has been a rarity for me.

I don’t know what I want. I keep having this scenario play out in my head where things are okay with us. And then it morphs into me making the huge mistake of like, making out with her or something – I don’t even know, it’s screwed up. I keep thinking about July 2007 and the talk we had one night when her class was canceled. We met in Riverside at the park and talked for hours. As I was pulling up, the song How to Save a Life by the Fray was playing on the radio – and I just remember thinking that this was the way it was going to play out. Obviously things went well that night, we ended up making out and getting back together essentially, I don’t remember more details than that although I suppose I could go search the archives if I was really interested. I don’t think that’d be the best idea for me though, I don’t want to think about the past right now.

I’m trying to concentrate on the future, that’s the whole point of what’s going on in my life right now. I don’t want to screw this up – I feel like I want to leave things unscarred between us. If there was a way in the future that we could work, I don’t want this to be the reason we never see that opportunity. I think that’s my problem at it’s deepest.

I still want to be with her. I can say not right now because I know it’s what I need, but what I want? I want her to hold me, to come to bed and just be with me as we fall asleep. It’s so fucked up, that after everything she puts me through I feel like this about her, but I’m at least trying to be somewhat honest with myself about it. Obviously I’m not telling her all of this, because it needlessly complicates things between us more than they already are, but let’s be honest, I’d love it if she told me what I’ve just said. Although, I don’t know if I could actually tell her no, I can’t do that now. I think the answer is I won’t do that right now, but I have to be strong enough to say that.

So that’s what I’m trying to gather right now. Strength and self-assurance. Because I do deserve to find myself and be happy with myself, I don’t need her affirmation to make things okay (although I would like it). I cannot have a healthy relationship with someone if I don’t have one with myself first. I cannot rely on her and I will not anymore. I haven’t for three months and I think I’ve grown up a little bit – that remains to be seen but it’s a start at least.

I’m not sure if I want to have a good cry tonight before I go to sleep. It’s probably a good idea to release all the extra emotions that are lingering around me right now. I want to go into Chilis tomorrow with a clear head and a clear idea of what I want to accomplish. I keep looking back to my entry and reminding myself what I want to say. I’m going to try to write some poetry or something before getting a good night sleep as well.

Recap. The Place: Chilis at 1. The Plan: talk about why we broke up. talk about what capacity we can be part of eachother’s lives in the future. The End: closure.