Tag Archives: harry

all i want is you…

Charlotte had her surgury so she’s unhappily crying in the adjacent room, locked in her cage with a cone around her neck. I feel so bad 😦

However, dealing with my own shit right now is a bit more important. I’m going to strangle Kay and Alyssa for just not having and common sense. They moved out of the apartment (which fine, I can understand that I guess), have me move the rest of my shit that’s being stored there, and then never bother talking to Peter about their plans. Kay blew me off Thursday night when we were supposed to sit down and talk about everything so I spent an hour just crying in the empty apartment not knowing what the hell I’m going to do. Peter was going to meet me (essientally I was tricking her into talking to him by just having him show up unannounced) and then he didn’t show.

So now I’m financially responsible (at least for half) the rent of an apartment that I no longer live in and that apparently now no one lives in. So I’m just fucking pissed as all hell. I was going to meet Kay this morning to talk and I honestly didn’t want to and really I sort of forgot about it last night. Well anyway, I get a text from Alyssa this morning at 10 to see if I’m close. I respond that my work schedule changed and I thought I textd Kay. Her response was thanks so much for the inconvenience.

FOR THE FUCKING INCONVENIENCE ALYSSA?? wtf seriously? I didn’t even grace it with a response because I was afraid I was going to be fresh. Like – well just think, now you have time to clean the place up – or – i guess now you understand how I feel most of the time. I just can’t even fathom the way their minds work. It fucking blows my mind.

So my plan is to clean the place up so that it can be subletted until the end of our lease. I guess for now my plan of action is to pay Peter the portion of the rent that I’d owe him until the end of the lease (which is like $1200 and makes me want to vomit) and try to find a subletter who will either pay the rest of hopefully will be able to pay all the rent so I can get my money back. The chances of this occuring are rather slim, let’s be honest. I just don’t want to be dragged into court when he takes them in for abandonment and breaking the lease.

All this stress about the apartment and money (which is why I moved in here, so that money was no longer an issue) is coupled with the Amanda stuff as well as transfering to a new school. Hopefully Monday my financial aid stuff will be settled (I already owe $75,000 in loans and I’m just digging deeper without a degree) and in July I’ll start for my Occupational Therapy certification. This only puts me 6 months behind my original graduation date so the fact that I pissed around for a year is played down, which is nice.

The only downer on all of this is that I won’t be in school now until July, which leaves me 6 months of wanting to die couped up in this house. I’ll be working full time which is a plus (I made great money last night but I worked a double but it was worth it *crazed) and I’m joining a gym this week, but I wanted to be in class. Amanda doesn’t think it’s a great idea to be honest which hurt my feelings but I wanted her honest opinion. I’m planning on going through with it though because at least it’s some kind of future.

Unrelated but also occuring on Thursday, Harry texted me he was in the city and we went out for Hookah, which was a lot of fun especially after the stressful day. Amanda called me while we were out (she got out at like 930 instead of 11 so I wasn’t expecting a call and didn’t answer) to see if I wanted to hang up and I missed her call. I was really upset about it because I wanted to see her (maybe to talk about wednesday?) and I was mad at myself for missing her call.

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black dress, with the tights underneath…

I took Em to the movies tonight to see It’s Complicated with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. The movie was fantastic. The entire theater was roaring with laughter at some parts and Em loved it too I think, even though it was rated R. The woman at the counter got extra huffy with me and needed “to see some ID” so we could get in. I don’t actually think I’ve ever been asked to show ID to see a movie for godsake. Not to mention, there really wasn’t anything deplorable in the movie for it to be rated like that. The movie was directed excellently with real attention to detail as far as character development and circumstance (and Jane’s home is fucking fantastically gorgeous).

Anyway, Jane, the main character, ends up having an affair with her ex-husband who is now remarried. The two spend the first half of the movie hooking up unbeknownst to their children after their son graduates from college in New York. Things get more complicated when Jane starts seeing Adam, her architect who is played by Steve Martin.

Although humor runs amuck throughout the movie (really in a good way – Adam listening to self-help tapes as he picks up Jane is a good example), I really started to connect with Jane. I know I’m not a 50 year old divorcee with three kids and an ex-husband I’m fooling around with, but I understand what it means to love someone but know that the two of you won’t work out together. I felt really old next to Em, who was convinced Jane would end up back together with her husband – an ending she didn’t approve of and neither did I – but somehow I sensed that wouldn’t be the case. Rather than an awful cliche Hollywood ending where the kids are peachy with their parents getting back together after ten years of being divorced (which took a toll on the family), the two remain friends. It wasn’t sickeningly sweet, it was real and I can appreciate that.

That’s all I want, I want to be friends. I want to sit on that swing, and know that its okay that things are complicated, because I can still love her and not be with her. It might hurt, it’s not easy, but it becomes part of you every day. I feel like I’ve aged in the past week or so – I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Related (of course) would be the text message I got from Amanda during the movie about how she’d just seen Paranormal Activity and was scared shitless out of her mind. We’d talked earlier today about when we’d meet to talk and agreed on Wednesday at Chilis near her house. I’m somewhat apprehensive about seeing her to have the conversation I know we need to have. I reread my entry about what I wanted to say to her and I know its the right thing to do.

I just don’t understand her though. At 11:30ish she told me she’d probably be up all night talking to me because she was too scared to sleep. She then asked if I was home so we could FB chat. I said I was out with Em (which I was) and that I’d be home shortly, this was at around midnight. Then her reply text is that “ur the best drive safe” – which struck me as odd but I sort of just blew it off. When I got home, FB had unanswered messages from her, saying she’d probably be sleeping by the time I got home, not to be mad at her.

And then she said she “can’t wait for lunch wednesday”. I can’t decide if I think she was high/drunk or serious. What does that even mean?

I think I’m just reading too much into this.

Unrelated to that entirely, I told my parents I was going to Florida to see Carlos and my mother’s first question out of her mouth was who was I going with. The absurdity of that question only begets an absurd answer that I was going down with Harry and some friend Liz I pulled out of my ass. I think it would probably be worse if Harry and I were going to see Carlos, talk about three being a crowd.

heaven can wait…

So I just booked my tickets to Florida to see Carlos for 5 days! I’m rather excited I’ll admit. I think it’ll do me good to be in the sunshine away from everything for awhile. However, I also think that I need to set some ground rules with Carlos when I get there because I don’t want my insecurities ruining our friendship, no matter how much I might like him.

I have a bad track record. I was thinking about it the other day and I realized just how bad. Let’s number them shall we?

1. We’ll start with Donald, since although there were a few boys before him, nothing ever really went anywhere (not that it did with him, just I was really young). I flirted shamelessly with Donald in order to get to his best friend Dan (who wasn’t interested). Eventually I told Don that the friendship was really a sham, I wanted Dan, thus crushing Don and ending our friendship for awhile. We do still speak (Dan and I don’t) and I know Don would do anything for me if I asked him to.

2. Ian. Ian and I met at a summer Biology camp. He asked me to be his girlfriend but I told him I had to wait until I was 16 (another year). He waited that year, fawned over me, took me to his junior prom that I essentially invited myself to, came out to dinner with my parents. I told him I didn’t feel the same way about him that he felt about me, thus crushing him. We don’t speak, although I have since apologized.

3. Chris. Brittany had dibs on Chris, he was her friend, she knew him, and I really didn’t care because he was hot shit. Nothing ever came of the two of us but I was certainly using him.

4. Mike. Mike was my first boyfriend and was head over heels in love with me. We dated for three weeks before he told me he loved me. I broke up with him after a dance and never gave his DVDs back. He had a reprise a few months later but nothing ever came of it. We sort of speak now, but I get more of a kick out of messing with his head.

5. Jon. Jon has an interesting story behind him. We met online and there was flirting etc. for a few months. I eventually discovered he was actually my cousin. He’s now married with two children and his wife most likely knows about what happened. She hates me, we spent much of Christmas Eve together at a very awkward family party. The kids are adorable.

6. I suppose Amanda would come next in this set of people I’ve used to feel better about myself, and in the process ruined our friendship.

7. Sean. We met in college at a leadership seminar. Things were going really well in our friendship until one night he invited me over to ‘watch a movie’ and ended up taking off his pants. He did apologize but we also do not speak and he avoids me.

8. Jo’An. We worked together for awhile at the theatre. After Amanda and I broke up this summer, we hung out at his house. Essentially, I told him I was better than a booty call and have avoided his advances since then.

9. Cory. We worked together at Sbux for about a year. He’s a sweetheart and things probably would have worked out. However, during another ‘movie watching’ session, being slightly high caused me to call him Amanda (I think?) and he hasn’t talked to me since then.

10. Harry. I met him second semester of freshman year and I knew he had a crush on me. We worked together at the helpdesk. We didn’t talk for awhile after he transfered but this fall we reconnected and he cheated on his girlfriend with me. I currently haven’t seen him in two months, although I’m talking to him right now. He’s blown me off twice in the past few weeks.

I’d really prefer that Carlos wasn’t #11 on this list of which I’m not really proud. Even if I don’t count Amanda (although I think it’s probably safe to say that friendship will never be the same again), Carlos would still be tenth in a long line of conquests, most of which have occurred since Amanda and I started dating, which is very odd.