hating each old, and tired trick of it

do i keep falling in love,
for just the kick of it?
staggering through the thin and thick of it,
hating each old, and tired trick of it.
where am i going?
and why do i care?
i run to the bronx,
or washington square,
but everywhere i run,
i meet myself there.
looking inside me,
what do i see?
anger and fear and doubt,
what am i all about?
where am i going?
you tell me…

I can't remember what musical that's from, but Luci sang it in Cabaret this year and I can't get it out of my head. I've been belting it out around the house this afternoon killing time before I played tennis. It was a week ago that Amanda and I went to get Hibachi at Shogun. A fucking week ago and everything was perfect as we ate that chic's sushi and giggled about nothing and basically felt eachother up under the table. 😛

But here I am now, practically miserable after a horrendeous night's sleep after a two hour long conversation about who wanted who more and exactly what the plan was to do to eachother. And it's just making me crazy as all hell at this point. I'd so jump anything with a pulse at this moment in time. Anything. Actually, I drove around town for an extra half hour trying to find Luci's house. I drove up and down her street twice before I finally just went home and googled her address. So now I know she lives at 973 – not like that helps but I think I remembered what house it was.

Admitedly, I'm walking on thin ice when it comes to her. I can't explain it, but Amanda can sort of see it in me I think. Luci and Amanda are so alike. And Luci and I are friends (at least I think we are) but Amanda seems to think she's messing with me, that I'm being played. And the scary thing is I think she's right, but even scarier still, I think I don't care, and the killing point, I might even like being sought after. Since it's not like I'm taken in that sense. Because let's just say that after five days of celibacy I might as well take vows of chastity and get it over with.

Oh god, I'm so melodramatic. Chalk it up to PMS, this bitchy/horny thing I have going on. I think that's it. Took Joss and Haley to Gristmill today for the pool etc. This was after strawberry picking this morning. I'm never going to sleep in again if this nanny shit keeps up. Ugh. But 60 bucks for getting a partial tan isn't all that bad. I nipped the 'I don't want to eat my lunch but let's get ice cream anyways' in the bud quickly enough so I've gained respect. Now if I can only figure out how to smuggle the good reading in, I'll be all set for tomorrow. Wish me luck. And forward the bug spray – I'm being eaten alive!!!

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