Tag Archives: just friends

like a radio tune I swear I’ve heard before…

No one from work last night wanted to go out — well wanted to go out with me, which hurt my feelings a little. Perhaps tonight but I’m going to try and not count on it. I of course made the mistake of inviting her with a little – We’re going out if ud like to join us after u get out. The response was somewhat positive with a who, where, when and then I think she really thought it out and decided she was going to go home instead. I told her plans had fallen through but I was probably going to go out anyways, even if it meant by myself. Her response was that she didn’t think it was very safe but I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself I said.

Besides, I went out with Jess anyways. We ended up at MB around 1am since it took me so long to get ready. We had fun though, doing makeup and picking outfits. She ended up having more of a fun time than I did since she made out with this kid named Al while dancing. He asked for her number – I’m not sure if he’s a regular there and a creep but I said she could at least text him the next time we went to see if he’s around. Continue reading

i practiced this for hours…

We talked for about 4 hours – I just got home. We didn’t really ‘talk’ about things, we just sort of caught up at lunch and then we went for coffee (I also drove her across the plaza to grab groceries she needed). I told her that I wanted to do this more often, get together, and she agreed. I also told her it was weird not having her around, which she also agreed with. This was in the last maybe half hour of talking while we were sitting in sbux.

I’m not sure how I feel about everything – I don’t feel bad, like I’m not upset, I think I’m feeling positively. I nearly made myself sick at lunch though, which is funny because I used to do that when we started dating, I’d make myself so nervous that I was nauseous. It was almost like old times (I didn’t talk about the past for the most part though, unless she brought it up) with us just hanging out, no agenda, no pressure. It’s really what I wanted actually, just being together as friends.

I don’t know what I want to say about everything, I guess I still need to process some of it. It was weird when she got out of the car after the market when I dropped her back off at her own car – it was like, neither of us was sure what to do (or maybe just me?). I wanted to give her a hug, but I was buckled in and unbuckling would have been awkward and since she didn’t make a move to, neither did I. She came over to the car after she put the milk in her backseat though;

God, now I’m crying – I’m listening to the first Daughtry CD, a few of the songs I’d put on mixes for her, and I just burst into tears. I don’t even know what I’m crying for;  no that’s not exactly true. It’s because I can see that hole, like I’m standing on the edge looking over into the emptiness. That’s the only way I can describe how I feel right now. I don’t know if the hole got bigger or smaller or didn’t change at all, but I’m staring it down which is something I haven’t wanted to do. I feel that void where I’d like her to be, because she was just standing there, and void was almost gone.

Well now that I have tears dripping off my chin, what I was saying before. We’d been talking about the holidays and I’d told her that my grandmother had stood up on Christmas morning and declared the tennis bag she’d just recieved to be “bitchin” – and I’d laughed like hell. Well, so Amanda comes back up to my door and I roll down the window and shes like, this was bitchin! and we laughed before we both drove off.  I texted her when I got home just to say I’d gotten home and her response was also bitchin! (something tells me I’ve created a monster of a phrase that’s going to haunt me now).

I just hope that seeing her was the right choice, I think it was. This thing that I’m having right now, the tearing up and the tightness in my chest, I was afraid of this, that I’d have this let down after seeing her, sort of like I used to when I didn’t know how soon I’d get to see her again. She told me to text her, which I think was her way of saying we should get together again, but I don’t know. I don’t want to be the initiator the next time I see her (which well could be tomorrow if I go to the new years party at Jen’s and she takes time out of staying with her grandmother to also go – which might prove to be a really interesting night, but I’m digressing), I don’t want the desperate needy one, although that’s what I feel like right now.

Maybe this is what recovering alcoholics feel like when they go into a bar – that’s probably an awful comparison but I don’t have another one. I’m scared, and slightly disgusted with myself at how much I enjoyed seeing her, and how much I’d like to see her again – soon, in fact I’d be cool with the party tomorrow. Except I shouldn’t be, because I need to recover from this feeling.

I feel like I’ve been hit by an emotional bus, just completely frayed emotionally right now, although I thought I’d be okay. Perhaps this will all have been for the best, us seeing each other, in that she’ll make an effort to see me again, but I’m only wishing for things I’ve wished for before, nothing new. I’ll always be just a convenience for her, a convenient time, a convenient place and I deserve to be more than that.

Well I’ve stopped crying which is a plus. I do hope that’s passed – it’s difficult to explain red puffy eyes etc. to the grandparents and it’s cold with the door to my room shut. I just noticed I’m quite liberal with my sentence structures; I probably should work on that a bit. I tend to write the way I think, and fragments and coma splices are better thought (or spoken) than written. Ms. Wrye would have red lines through most of the former paragraphs. I think I’m going to continue writing about lunch, but it’s probably going to be very hard to follow and choppy so you can stop reading now if you like, no hard feelings. I guess I’m doing this to sort out what we talked about, but also so that I remember; I hate forgetting things.

The damn TV in the other room is so loud I can hear it with the door shut, the volume has got to be on like 40 or something ridiculous. I also don’t have any tissues other than the soggy one beside my bed.

We talked about Christmas and presents and such. Apparently her family had a crazy Christmas day episode and Pam and Mary ended up storming out after Gram asked them to take care of Nana for the week because Grampy was going up to VT and she wanted to get to go with him. Jan had to get involved then, and they were all pretty wasted and Pam, Mary and Jan end up leaving in a huff and no one’s talked to them since. Grampy went and Amanda is staying with Gram and Nana because Gram is afraid to stay in the city alone at night. She’s also staying with the kids on Sunday because I guess Maureen and Jeff are going to see Wicked that afternoon – which means that theres a good chance they will stop by my work for dinner. Last year Amanda and I babysat them on New Years so the two of them could go out. I don’t know if I’m going to go to Jen’s tomorrow night. I’m supposed to go see Andrena during the day. If I go to Jen’s, I don’t want to drive home because all the crazies are out, which means I would have to stay there (or at Harry’s I suppose, but that’s again, probably a bad life decision).

When the subject of what we were doing the rest of break came up, I did tell her about me going to Florida. Her first question was also who I was going with and she said she was jealous I was going and to send her a postcard. I think somewhere in this I apologized about not going to see Angels in America and she said it was fine, she’s let it go. I told her its not something that keeps me up at night, but I am still sorry about it, it was sucky of me to do to her, especially after she’d gotten me a comp ticket.

I guess she went out with friends from highschool last night. They went to the movies from what I gathered and maybe out to dinner because she said something about Kim liking Chilis or whatever. I don’t want to think too hard on any of that because I feel like it makes me seem jealous – I don’t want to be jealous, I don’t think I’m jealous. Am I jealous?

I’m trying to think of what else we talked about but nothing seems to be standing out. I suppose that’s a good thing in some cases, it means there was nothing epic discussed, but we also spent so much time catching up, me sort of learning things about her, that I want to remember them. It must not have been anything I didn’t really know. I didn’t mention anything about dates or romantic engagements – she didn’t ask. I did sort of fish about her and Lelia, asking if they were still feuding, to which she replied of course. I know she doesn’t know that I know she declared her undying love for the girl (because that would be awkward to explain, and I don’t think she’d ever trust me again after she found out I’d been spying on her – because calling it stalking just makes it sound all the worse) but I’d at least like to know what’s going on/what happened between them. It’s probably better that I don’t know, the last thing I need is to be jealous when I have nothing to base it on and no claim except my own insecurities and craziness.

I’m sort of having a freak out moment again it seems. I don’t want to sit here and wallow, I need something to take my mind off things or I’m going to think myself into another wave of tears. The fact that the news is on so fucking loud in the house doesn’t help my anxiety levels a bit, and my room is giving me cabin fever. Em’s cleaning her closet still – something I should be finishing but again, that wallowing looms.

in a minute, minute, in a fucking minute…

It could almost be amusing that I don’t write for two weeks only to come up with three — in fact it could be four depending on how later tonight goes — entries in one day. 

Amanda just left for her East Asian Popular Cinema class. And broke up with me before she left, just after we sat down to eat macNcheese – a meal now forever ruined in my mind. Breakup is not a word she wants to use; it’s too harsh. She just wants to go back, to start over, to start back at ‘just friends’. 

It’s been a long time coming (that pun was intended). Our ‘relationship’ hasn’t been more than just a friendship with occassional kisses and hookups for a long time now. She says she doesn’t know where it stopped – or started I guess depending on if we’re talking about loss. I don’t know where we started to lose whatever we stopped having.

She sat on my couch in blue flannel pants with yellow reindeer that we bought for her whole family at Old Navy for Christmas, eating Kraft MacNCheese (made the watery way she likes it) from the white GotMilk? bowl that we bought at the Salvation Army sometime in August, beside the steamer trunk used as a coffee table that she surprised me with for the new apartment, beneath the gumdrop Christmas lights we got on sale at Target and hung in my living room, framed by the off color light cast from the hot pink lampshade I bought when we were in JobLot and told me she wants to go back to being just friends. Well really what she said was go back — prompting my question, back to where, for which she didn’t or couldn’t provide an answer. 

What the fuck does that even mean? I haven’t been happy with our relationship for a long time. I haven’t felt like she’s been doing her part – like she’s been trying at all. I have felt taken advantage of and used. Deciding that we revert back to whatever we were two and a half years ago last sunday is really just putting a name on what’s been happening for awhile now. She hasn’t looked at me the same way she used to, I don’t believe she finds me desirable anymore and I certainly don’t think that the occassional hookup that we’ve experienced is anything but a blip on the flatline our ‘relationship’ has become. You can’t just ‘go back’.

So she sat and cried, the girl who for the second time in two days cried for the first time in about a year, since exactly a year ago yesterday that I made her tell me herself that she’d cheated on me with Maura Clancy. And that year ago we reverted back to ‘just friends’ because my heart had been ripped out and I was close to the breaking point. After a year it still burns to think about it, how I felt betrayed and worthless. But she sat on my couch less than a half hour ago and told me that it’s gone (again?) – she wants it back, but its gone. 

And through none of it did I shed a single tear.