Talking to her is like slowly drinking posion. She just gets into my system and suddenly makes me so upset and I wish I knew how to make it stop. I hadn’t even thought about her truth be told till I got that text message last week – why did she have to ruin it? Maybe I wasn’t happy but I was dealing. She’s acidic and eats away at my walls and I can see her just standing in the rubble. Does she know how much she can upset me, even without trying? I start reminiscing and thinking about how things were, but we weren’t good, we weren’t happy, we weren’t okay and as far as I can tell we don’t belong together. Which hurts, perhaps more than not being with her – knowing that it doesn’t work.
She’s high and drinking with Lelia and throwing up and napping and shit. I don’t think she should be driving home at this time of night after that sort of night but it’s not really my place to say, is it? I just asked that she be safe – she can’t even have a coherent conversation, she shouldn’t be driving.
Alright that, and let me just put it out there, that it’s passed midnight and if she was out with me she would have had to be home probably an hour ago. WHAT THE FUCK MAN SERIOUSLY?
We finished off the last of the stash tonight so I’ll be sleeping with my window open. Luckily it’s only supposed to get down around 37 tonight, not like the low of 25 last night. But it was worth it, so I’m not complaining.
I didn’t finish the work I needed to for last semester. It’s due in 20min and there’s no way it’s going to happen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I just don’t care. The sliding of my academic value system has been gradual but at this rate I won’t be coming back next semester, which just cannot happen. I talked to Jim and he said I’m still welcome to work here over the summer so at least I’ll have a job. But I need to get my act together. I printed the courses for next semester I’d like to take here, but enrollment isn’t until two days before finals and I’m not holding my breath. I won’t know about financial aid till August anyways. I’m not sure when they’d hold the meeting about my scholarship if I don’t make the requirements (which is seeming to loom doubtfully in the distance). Continue reading
Posted in Journal
Tagged advice, angsty, apartment, assholes, college, conflict, dwc, friends, high, jen, lady gaga, life, reality, relationships, roommates, therapy, work
The sound of E and Laura having sex in the room next door is sort of unnerving. And then it’s a little awkward when I pick up my computer to leave and the door slowly opens, sees me leaving to go to my own room, and shuts again. It continues to be most uncomfortable for at least my party when I emerge from my bedroom in order to relieve myself before sleep and someone is in the bathroom washing their hands. Or something. I don’t think of myself as a prude, I’d just rather not specifically hear what it is you do behind closed doors. Quite literally closed doors in fact.
I skipped my first class again today, the same one from Tuesday. I guess having crazy sex with Amanda (again?) is my excuse, except for the non-crazy part. She wanted to get high again today and I’m sort of curious if she think she needs to be high to have great sex, or if she likes being high, or if being high and great sex just seems to amplify the effects for her. I’m going to vouch for the latter.
Her being high doesn’t always mean she’s better at having sex however. I mean it wasn’t awful but yeah, it’s been better. She’s just always rushing and I don’t know what the hurry is. I’d rather she made me beg for it actually because I feel like then I’d be guaranteed a good return on the investment, so to speak. God, saying that makes me sound awful. But then afterwards when we were cuddling, she got all upset at herself about it being lackluster. It’s not like she hurt me, although it was a tad uncomfortable briefly. She essentially she feels like shit over it and I feel bad as well, but only because she does. I’m too empathetic for my own good.
I just noticed my bottom teeth are crooked. I also recently chipped a tooth. I need to stop biting my fingernails, I think that’s a key culprit, especially as to why the porcelain veneer didn’t stay the first time. Oh well, it’s distinguishing right? Amanda says I’m the only one who notices it, but there’s not much I can do now since I don’t have dental insurance anymore.
Again, a new topic completely without transition, Tree. Who I cannot stand. Amanda and E discussed her this evening after I picked Amanda up from work. Laura agrees with me that the woman is a child predator working in that school. What kind of 40 year old woman goes out to dinner with her former students? She’s perpetually stuck in highschool (both literally and socially speaking). The woman graduated from Brown but she lives with her mother. She’s just fucked up, I can’t explain it. In fact, to top it all off, she hates my guts and no matter how nice I try to be to her she’s just rude. Laura and I have agreed it’s because she wants Amanda’s shit.
I’m not sure what’s in store for the weekend. I’m opening at sbux sunday morning and Amanda’s driving so Saturday night plans seem out of the question. I’ve heard suggestions of a party here tomorrow but I’m not sure they can pull it together in time.
Posted in Journal
Tagged angsty, apartment, conflict, dentist, high, highschool, nights out, relationships, roommates, sbux, sex, uh huh her, work