Tag Archives: conflict resolution

you get back what you give away…

So of late my clairvoyance has been right on target (pun?). Yes we went to the mall to shop, yes there was car standing outside in the fucking freezing weather, yes there was kissing. However, there is a caveat to tonight that I think separates it from New Years Day, essentially the point that rather than just breathlessly kissing and then suddenly leaving, there was actual conversation and it was a more controlled sort of thing, not just random spur of the moment. Long sentence.

Anyway, shopping didn’t really start out on the best foot what with her poking fun at my driving and then me forgetting my wallet in the car. It’s one of those things that I know she’s teasing (or at least I’m like 98% sure) but it still rubs me the wrong way. Regardless, we roamed aimlessly for a bit and then went into Torrid which was where she’d wanted to go. Of course she shoots down all my suggestions of outfits (typical m.o.)  for her weekend with Mikayla up in NH – some girl is turning 21 Friday and the gang is heading up to get essentially obliterated the entire weekend.

It did get better as we sloughed off the uncomfortableness for the most part. She knows me well enough to know that I was a bit off tonight, and truth be told I think it’s mostly because I had been thinking about us going shopping since I’d suggested it early last week. I was bummed that I didn’t get to shop for a bathingsuit but it’s supposed to be cold and I’m certainly not going to the beach to freeze my ass off. We still looked at clothes of course, and I did want her to give me some sort of imput when it came to how things looked or what she thought, but when I went to try on, she just sort of wandered away. I chalk it up to the fact that firstly she doesn’t like the stores that I do, although I am attentive when we go places she wants to (read: lids? olympia sports? ugh). I think the second part of that is that she wasn’t sure if I wanted her opinion, like if I wanted her there in the dressing room with me, which I can’t say I really know if I’d have been comfortable with that or not.

I’m rambling. By the end, I just felt that we’d started off awkwardly for whatever reason but it had mostly resolved itself by the time we were outside by our cars. I feel like that’s sort of our thing, standing in the cold by the cars chatting. I think its because it’s neutral ground, me against my car, her against hers.

Then she randomly asks me if we can agree on something, of course I ask what. She says that she won’t hook up with anyone while she’s away if I don’t – and I think my jaw must’ve hit the pavement because I really wasn’t expecting her to say that. My response was that I had no intention, whatever my status with her was, of letting anything happen in FL, which I believe I’ve expressed her before, albeit not for reasons concerning Amanda but my own shit.

She asked me what I thought about it in relation to her, and I was like, of course I would prefer she didn’t do something like that but was it something that she wanted to do? She said no, but to tell her what I wanted, not what I prefered. So I took her face in my hands and I told her that I didn’t want her with anyone else – and then we kissed, doesn’t matter who instigated. We talked about how physically we can connect but sometimes socially we’re just so separate – I make her crazy and I told her that honestly a good 90% of the time, that’s not my intention, but she should know she also makes me want to beat her sometimes.

We also talked about me being an independent woman, or striving toward being one, and what that means for me. She said as I work on that, she’s going to work on her prudishness, which I said was okay, but inside I was just thinking that was sort of a lousy thing to be working on, since that’s not the biggest thing about her that bothers me. I want her to work on her availability – but me wanting that is admittedly tied into my dependency/independence issues.

The cake topper to all of this, is that as we’re saying goodbye, those three little words come out of her mouth and I just didn’t say anything. She recovered quickly with a – yeah I said it, because you’re going away, it just slipped out – and I just kept my mouth shut. I do love her (obviously), but I won’t say it until I’m in love with her, whether or not that’s something that will happen now or at another time. Because as much as I enjoyed kissing her (and had looked forward to it, which I did tell her), when we were shopping it felt a little tense to me and forced. I don’t want my relationships like that, I won’t let them be, and until it isn’t I don’t think I can be genuinely in love with her. And that’s just the truth.

I will however say that hearing her say those three words in the breath between kisses did make my heart skip a beat and it’s what I’m hanging onto tonight before I go to sleep. Whatever that’s worth.

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i practiced this for hours…

We talked for about 4 hours – I just got home. We didn’t really ‘talk’ about things, we just sort of caught up at lunch and then we went for coffee (I also drove her across the plaza to grab groceries she needed). I told her that I wanted to do this more often, get together, and she agreed. I also told her it was weird not having her around, which she also agreed with. This was in the last maybe half hour of talking while we were sitting in sbux.

I’m not sure how I feel about everything – I don’t feel bad, like I’m not upset, I think I’m feeling positively. I nearly made myself sick at lunch though, which is funny because I used to do that when we started dating, I’d make myself so nervous that I was nauseous. It was almost like old times (I didn’t talk about the past for the most part though, unless she brought it up) with us just hanging out, no agenda, no pressure. It’s really what I wanted actually, just being together as friends.

I don’t know what I want to say about everything, I guess I still need to process some of it. It was weird when she got out of the car after the market when I dropped her back off at her own car – it was like, neither of us was sure what to do (or maybe just me?). I wanted to give her a hug, but I was buckled in and unbuckling would have been awkward and since she didn’t make a move to, neither did I. She came over to the car after she put the milk in her backseat though;

God, now I’m crying – I’m listening to the first Daughtry CD, a few of the songs I’d put on mixes for her, and I just burst into tears. I don’t even know what I’m crying for;  no that’s not exactly true. It’s because I can see that hole, like I’m standing on the edge looking over into the emptiness. That’s the only way I can describe how I feel right now. I don’t know if the hole got bigger or smaller or didn’t change at all, but I’m staring it down which is something I haven’t wanted to do. I feel that void where I’d like her to be, because she was just standing there, and void was almost gone.

Well now that I have tears dripping off my chin, what I was saying before. We’d been talking about the holidays and I’d told her that my grandmother had stood up on Christmas morning and declared the tennis bag she’d just recieved to be “bitchin” – and I’d laughed like hell. Well, so Amanda comes back up to my door and I roll down the window and shes like, this was bitchin! and we laughed before we both drove off.  I texted her when I got home just to say I’d gotten home and her response was also bitchin! (something tells me I’ve created a monster of a phrase that’s going to haunt me now).

I just hope that seeing her was the right choice, I think it was. This thing that I’m having right now, the tearing up and the tightness in my chest, I was afraid of this, that I’d have this let down after seeing her, sort of like I used to when I didn’t know how soon I’d get to see her again. She told me to text her, which I think was her way of saying we should get together again, but I don’t know. I don’t want to be the initiator the next time I see her (which well could be tomorrow if I go to the new years party at Jen’s and she takes time out of staying with her grandmother to also go – which might prove to be a really interesting night, but I’m digressing), I don’t want the desperate needy one, although that’s what I feel like right now.

Maybe this is what recovering alcoholics feel like when they go into a bar – that’s probably an awful comparison but I don’t have another one. I’m scared, and slightly disgusted with myself at how much I enjoyed seeing her, and how much I’d like to see her again – soon, in fact I’d be cool with the party tomorrow. Except I shouldn’t be, because I need to recover from this feeling.

I feel like I’ve been hit by an emotional bus, just completely frayed emotionally right now, although I thought I’d be okay. Perhaps this will all have been for the best, us seeing each other, in that she’ll make an effort to see me again, but I’m only wishing for things I’ve wished for before, nothing new. I’ll always be just a convenience for her, a convenient time, a convenient place and I deserve to be more than that.

Well I’ve stopped crying which is a plus. I do hope that’s passed – it’s difficult to explain red puffy eyes etc. to the grandparents and it’s cold with the door to my room shut. I just noticed I’m quite liberal with my sentence structures; I probably should work on that a bit. I tend to write the way I think, and fragments and coma splices are better thought (or spoken) than written. Ms. Wrye would have red lines through most of the former paragraphs. I think I’m going to continue writing about lunch, but it’s probably going to be very hard to follow and choppy so you can stop reading now if you like, no hard feelings. I guess I’m doing this to sort out what we talked about, but also so that I remember; I hate forgetting things.

The damn TV in the other room is so loud I can hear it with the door shut, the volume has got to be on like 40 or something ridiculous. I also don’t have any tissues other than the soggy one beside my bed.

We talked about Christmas and presents and such. Apparently her family had a crazy Christmas day episode and Pam and Mary ended up storming out after Gram asked them to take care of Nana for the week because Grampy was going up to VT and she wanted to get to go with him. Jan had to get involved then, and they were all pretty wasted and Pam, Mary and Jan end up leaving in a huff and no one’s talked to them since. Grampy went and Amanda is staying with Gram and Nana because Gram is afraid to stay in the city alone at night. She’s also staying with the kids on Sunday because I guess Maureen and Jeff are going to see Wicked that afternoon – which means that theres a good chance they will stop by my work for dinner. Last year Amanda and I babysat them on New Years so the two of them could go out. I don’t know if I’m going to go to Jen’s tomorrow night. I’m supposed to go see Andrena during the day. If I go to Jen’s, I don’t want to drive home because all the crazies are out, which means I would have to stay there (or at Harry’s I suppose, but that’s again, probably a bad life decision).

When the subject of what we were doing the rest of break came up, I did tell her about me going to Florida. Her first question was also who I was going with and she said she was jealous I was going and to send her a postcard. I think somewhere in this I apologized about not going to see Angels in America and she said it was fine, she’s let it go. I told her its not something that keeps me up at night, but I am still sorry about it, it was sucky of me to do to her, especially after she’d gotten me a comp ticket.

I guess she went out with friends from highschool last night. They went to the movies from what I gathered and maybe out to dinner because she said something about Kim liking Chilis or whatever. I don’t want to think too hard on any of that because I feel like it makes me seem jealous – I don’t want to be jealous, I don’t think I’m jealous. Am I jealous?

I’m trying to think of what else we talked about but nothing seems to be standing out. I suppose that’s a good thing in some cases, it means there was nothing epic discussed, but we also spent so much time catching up, me sort of learning things about her, that I want to remember them. It must not have been anything I didn’t really know. I didn’t mention anything about dates or romantic engagements – she didn’t ask. I did sort of fish about her and Lelia, asking if they were still feuding, to which she replied of course. I know she doesn’t know that I know she declared her undying love for the girl (because that would be awkward to explain, and I don’t think she’d ever trust me again after she found out I’d been spying on her – because calling it stalking just makes it sound all the worse) but I’d at least like to know what’s going on/what happened between them. It’s probably better that I don’t know, the last thing I need is to be jealous when I have nothing to base it on and no claim except my own insecurities and craziness.

I’m sort of having a freak out moment again it seems. I don’t want to sit here and wallow, I need something to take my mind off things or I’m going to think myself into another wave of tears. The fact that the news is on so fucking loud in the house doesn’t help my anxiety levels a bit, and my room is giving me cabin fever. Em’s cleaning her closet still – something I should be finishing but again, that wallowing looms.

black dress, with the tights underneath…

I took Em to the movies tonight to see It’s Complicated with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. The movie was fantastic. The entire theater was roaring with laughter at some parts and Em loved it too I think, even though it was rated R. The woman at the counter got extra huffy with me and needed “to see some ID” so we could get in. I don’t actually think I’ve ever been asked to show ID to see a movie for godsake. Not to mention, there really wasn’t anything deplorable in the movie for it to be rated like that. The movie was directed excellently with real attention to detail as far as character development and circumstance (and Jane’s home is fucking fantastically gorgeous).

Anyway, Jane, the main character, ends up having an affair with her ex-husband who is now remarried. The two spend the first half of the movie hooking up unbeknownst to their children after their son graduates from college in New York. Things get more complicated when Jane starts seeing Adam, her architect who is played by Steve Martin.

Although humor runs amuck throughout the movie (really in a good way – Adam listening to self-help tapes as he picks up Jane is a good example), I really started to connect with Jane. I know I’m not a 50 year old divorcee with three kids and an ex-husband I’m fooling around with, but I understand what it means to love someone but know that the two of you won’t work out together. I felt really old next to Em, who was convinced Jane would end up back together with her husband – an ending she didn’t approve of and neither did I – but somehow I sensed that wouldn’t be the case. Rather than an awful cliche Hollywood ending where the kids are peachy with their parents getting back together after ten years of being divorced (which took a toll on the family), the two remain friends. It wasn’t sickeningly sweet, it was real and I can appreciate that.

That’s all I want, I want to be friends. I want to sit on that swing, and know that its okay that things are complicated, because I can still love her and not be with her. It might hurt, it’s not easy, but it becomes part of you every day. I feel like I’ve aged in the past week or so – I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Related (of course) would be the text message I got from Amanda during the movie about how she’d just seen Paranormal Activity and was scared shitless out of her mind. We’d talked earlier today about when we’d meet to talk and agreed on Wednesday at Chilis near her house. I’m somewhat apprehensive about seeing her to have the conversation I know we need to have. I reread my entry about what I wanted to say to her and I know its the right thing to do.

I just don’t understand her though. At 11:30ish she told me she’d probably be up all night talking to me because she was too scared to sleep. She then asked if I was home so we could FB chat. I said I was out with Em (which I was) and that I’d be home shortly, this was at around midnight. Then her reply text is that “ur the best drive safe” – which struck me as odd but I sort of just blew it off. When I got home, FB had unanswered messages from her, saying she’d probably be sleeping by the time I got home, not to be mad at her.

And then she said she “can’t wait for lunch wednesday”. I can’t decide if I think she was high/drunk or serious. What does that even mean?

I think I’m just reading too much into this.

Unrelated to that entirely, I told my parents I was going to Florida to see Carlos and my mother’s first question out of her mouth was who was I going with. The absurdity of that question only begets an absurd answer that I was going down with Harry and some friend Liz I pulled out of my ass. I think it would probably be worse if Harry and I were going to see Carlos, talk about three being a crowd.