So of late my clairvoyance has been right on target (pun?). Yes we went to the mall to shop, yes there was car standing outside in the fucking freezing weather, yes there was kissing. However, there is a caveat to tonight that I think separates it from New Years Day, essentially the point that rather than just breathlessly kissing and then suddenly leaving, there was actual conversation and it was a more controlled sort of thing, not just random spur of the moment. Long sentence.
Anyway, shopping didn’t really start out on the best foot what with her poking fun at my driving and then me forgetting my wallet in the car. It’s one of those things that I know she’s teasing (or at least I’m like 98% sure) but it still rubs me the wrong way. Regardless, we roamed aimlessly for a bit and then went into Torrid which was where she’d wanted to go. Of course she shoots down all my suggestions of outfits (typical m.o.) for her weekend with Mikayla up in NH – some girl is turning 21 Friday and the gang is heading up to get essentially obliterated the entire weekend.
It did get better as we sloughed off the uncomfortableness for the most part. She knows me well enough to know that I was a bit off tonight, and truth be told I think it’s mostly because I had been thinking about us going shopping since I’d suggested it early last week. I was bummed that I didn’t get to shop for a bathingsuit but it’s supposed to be cold and I’m certainly not going to the beach to freeze my ass off. We still looked at clothes of course, and I did want her to give me some sort of imput when it came to how things looked or what she thought, but when I went to try on, she just sort of wandered away. I chalk it up to the fact that firstly she doesn’t like the stores that I do, although I am attentive when we go places she wants to (read: lids? olympia sports? ugh). I think the second part of that is that she wasn’t sure if I wanted her opinion, like if I wanted her there in the dressing room with me, which I can’t say I really know if I’d have been comfortable with that or not.
I’m rambling. By the end, I just felt that we’d started off awkwardly for whatever reason but it had mostly resolved itself by the time we were outside by our cars. I feel like that’s sort of our thing, standing in the cold by the cars chatting. I think its because it’s neutral ground, me against my car, her against hers.
Then she randomly asks me if we can agree on something, of course I ask what. She says that she won’t hook up with anyone while she’s away if I don’t – and I think my jaw must’ve hit the pavement because I really wasn’t expecting her to say that. My response was that I had no intention, whatever my status with her was, of letting anything happen in FL, which I believe I’ve expressed her before, albeit not for reasons concerning Amanda but my own shit.
She asked me what I thought about it in relation to her, and I was like, of course I would prefer she didn’t do something like that but was it something that she wanted to do? She said no, but to tell her what I wanted, not what I prefered. So I took her face in my hands and I told her that I didn’t want her with anyone else – and then we kissed, doesn’t matter who instigated. We talked about how physically we can connect but sometimes socially we’re just so separate – I make her crazy and I told her that honestly a good 90% of the time, that’s not my intention, but she should know she also makes me want to beat her sometimes.
We also talked about me being an independent woman, or striving toward being one, and what that means for me. She said as I work on that, she’s going to work on her prudishness, which I said was okay, but inside I was just thinking that was sort of a lousy thing to be working on, since that’s not the biggest thing about her that bothers me. I want her to work on her availability – but me wanting that is admittedly tied into my dependency/independence issues.
The cake topper to all of this, is that as we’re saying goodbye, those three little words come out of her mouth and I just didn’t say anything. She recovered quickly with a – yeah I said it, because you’re going away, it just slipped out – and I just kept my mouth shut. I do love her (obviously), but I won’t say it until I’m in love with her, whether or not that’s something that will happen now or at another time. Because as much as I enjoyed kissing her (and had looked forward to it, which I did tell her), when we were shopping it felt a little tense to me and forced. I don’t want my relationships like that, I won’t let them be, and until it isn’t I don’t think I can be genuinely in love with her. And that’s just the truth.
I will however say that hearing her say those three words in the breath between kisses did make my heart skip a beat and it’s what I’m hanging onto tonight before I go to sleep. Whatever that’s worth.