Tag Archives: drama

raise a glass if you are wrong, in all the right ways

So she grew out her hair, and its like the dyke grew out right along with it. And she’s back to that self centered perfect little turn-around-take-it-up-the-ass bitch we all loved to envy hate in highschool.

Meanwhile, the better half whose company I did actually once enjoy, who knows about what she’s doing these days. More than likely tramping it up all over the big apple to prove to herself she’s still a real lesbian.

Sigh.

Advertisements

the stars that pierce the sky;

[the backstory to this conversation is that Amanda’s tires were sliced this evening when she got out of rehearsal. Dan, Lelia, Tracy and Alex helped her get home. She didn’t call me to tell me any of this – she told me online]
B: how are dan, lelia and the girls?
A: fine, saved my ass
amazing really, i have to make them cookies for tomorrow
or something
idk what
but like i would have been fucked if they werent there tonight
B: 🙂 theyll love it
yeah im glad they took care of u
A: me too
and ive really got to do something for lelia because like there was so much drama today idk how shes even talking to me
B: y what happened?
A: we had drama at lunch that turned into me almost physically hurting steff
B: whatd she do?
A: we had a thing where we were rating what percentage we like boys/girls
basically quickly turned into chaos where steff basically asked, for me, which i never even wanted to go there, if lelia was gay
which was SO out of line
because its never the time or the place
B: tru. but its not like everyone doesnt kno u like her
A: its not like she asked hey lelia, amanda wants to know if youre gay type of question
B: well thats good at least?
A: no its not
it has nothing to do with lelia
its her running her mouth
B:  im sure that u and lelia have had that discussion, its just none of steffs business if she hasnt talked to lelia about it
A: we actually havent even had that discussion at all [LIES]
B: orly?
A: so i felt she crossed a line that is kind of a sentsitive thing
and its not like a specific me and lelia thing
either
its just like
seriosuly steff
are you kidding me
B: she obvs didnt think it was a big deal
A: yes she did, she just hides it v well
B: so then what was she playing at?
A: who?
B: steff
A: i have no idea
B: if she knew it was a big deal she must have been looking for a response
A: ohh i thought you meant lelia before
steff likes to push buttons that dont need to be pushed
and she enjoys it soo much it makes me ill
B: like i said, she obvs knows u have feelings for lelia and shes fucking with that. god only knows why but thats not fair. and u have every right to be pissed
[time passes]
B: sry – if u dont wanna have this conversation with me i understand
A: its fine
i just got side tracked
and i know this is friend brie
and i know that sucks
and im sorry
B: if you love her theres no right for me to stand in ur way, only to offer u advice as ur friend
A: ok, wehere did that come from
im was just pissed that steff sucks
and id be pissed if she did that to anyone else
i mean not like 100, but probably 85
B: i kno
A: its the asking, persisting on asking if someones gay, not even that its lelia
B: no of course shes wrong in pressing that. especially among friends – thats awful
i was bridging to the whole situation, not steff being a bitch
A: oh sorry
my bad
why the whole situation?
B: bc it needed to be said. and its what ive been trying to talk to u about but since i havent seen you and im not sure when i will bc of everything thats going on – i just wanted u to kno
[time passes]
A: like, sigh
this is not what i wanted to talk about
because i dont really know where i stand or anything
because i know were on the road to getting back together and like
i cant make any judgement calls with us or with her
so im not making any at all
and thats how i need it to be, if i do start doing anything with anybody i might go off the deep end at this point
B: i kno tonight was not a good night to brng this up after the day u had
i wouldnt have except i read what u wrote incorreclty and i opened my mouth
A: im sorry, i just cant function or make logical decissions about it
B: but once i wrote it i couldnt take it back
so i just kept going. which wasnt fair. and i am sorry
A: no i mean there must have been something specific that made you ask it
talking about girls
all of them
im plagued by overemotion tonight
lay it on me
B: me too, overemotion
we dont have to talk about this right now
A: omg i think i might throw up
B: do u want to talk about it now? i feel awful about bringing it up when ur already a wreck i dont want to make it worse
i kno we will eventually – it doesnt have to be right at this moment unless u want it to be
A: maybe later?
B: of course
A: i really just cant take all the drama
B: ikno
most life drama is unaviodable so that which can be offers the opportunity to postpone it i suppose
Twitter: i might throw up. and a million different scenarios are playing thru my head. fuck.
Blog:  yeah hey, so i think i just made the biggest mistake of 2010. and its only february.
holyshit, ive got to go throw up now.
She’s been talking to Lelia online since then, they’re both on FB still. I didn’t want this to go down tonight. I’m completely a wreck, I’ve cried myself out of tears. I don’t even know what to say, I can’t even process this. Can anyone?

whaddaya want from me…

My head is in a hundred places right now, so I’m trying to just sort out. Bear with me.

Lunch today with Bucci and Miranda at Fresh City was fantastic. We got to do some bonding (really more me and Bucci than Miranda because she’s so quiet) and it was great to catch up with them. Transfering and leaving them behind was hard on me and I hope that we can retain a friendship although I don’t see them all the time. It’s also pretty awkward that I’m closer these days to Miranda (we had ENG175 together) than I am to Nichole. Backstory on that, they have a very screwed up relationship history which essentially I always thought was due to Miranda but in fact it seems Nichole just lives for the drama. Regardless, I think I can be friends with both of them without choosing a side since I’m not being pressured by anyone.

Now onto what’s making me crazy – Amanda and I are having lunch tomorrow. I’m really trying not to freak the fuck out but it’s not exactly working. Em and I have already had a conversation about what I’m going to wear, how I don’t want to seem like I’m trying too hard when in all actuality I’m really trying much too hard. Jess isn’t thrilled with the idea that I’m even talking to her, and I haven’t told anyone else that I’m seeing her, both for lack of opportunity and lack of people to really tell. I was proud of myself, I didn’t mention it today at lunch at all, I didn’t even mention her name which in the past has been a rarity for me.

I don’t know what I want. I keep having this scenario play out in my head where things are okay with us. And then it morphs into me making the huge mistake of like, making out with her or something – I don’t even know, it’s screwed up. I keep thinking about July 2007 and the talk we had one night when her class was canceled. We met in Riverside at the park and talked for hours. As I was pulling up, the song How to Save a Life by the Fray was playing on the radio – and I just remember thinking that this was the way it was going to play out. Obviously things went well that night, we ended up making out and getting back together essentially, I don’t remember more details than that although I suppose I could go search the archives if I was really interested. I don’t think that’d be the best idea for me though, I don’t want to think about the past right now.

I’m trying to concentrate on the future, that’s the whole point of what’s going on in my life right now. I don’t want to screw this up – I feel like I want to leave things unscarred between us. If there was a way in the future that we could work, I don’t want this to be the reason we never see that opportunity. I think that’s my problem at it’s deepest.

I still want to be with her. I can say not right now because I know it’s what I need, but what I want? I want her to hold me, to come to bed and just be with me as we fall asleep. It’s so fucked up, that after everything she puts me through I feel like this about her, but I’m at least trying to be somewhat honest with myself about it. Obviously I’m not telling her all of this, because it needlessly complicates things between us more than they already are, but let’s be honest, I’d love it if she told me what I’ve just said. Although, I don’t know if I could actually tell her no, I can’t do that now. I think the answer is I won’t do that right now, but I have to be strong enough to say that.

So that’s what I’m trying to gather right now. Strength and self-assurance. Because I do deserve to find myself and be happy with myself, I don’t need her affirmation to make things okay (although I would like it). I cannot have a healthy relationship with someone if I don’t have one with myself first. I cannot rely on her and I will not anymore. I haven’t for three months and I think I’ve grown up a little bit – that remains to be seen but it’s a start at least.

I’m not sure if I want to have a good cry tonight before I go to sleep. It’s probably a good idea to release all the extra emotions that are lingering around me right now. I want to go into Chilis tomorrow with a clear head and a clear idea of what I want to accomplish. I keep looking back to my entry and reminding myself what I want to say. I’m going to try to write some poetry or something before getting a good night sleep as well.

Recap. The Place: Chilis at 1. The Plan: talk about why we broke up. talk about what capacity we can be part of eachother’s lives in the future. The End: closure.