Letter

I want to start this off by telling you how much I really love you. Sometimes I'm not even sure I understand how much, but its a feeling I'm never giving up on, that I'm never letting go of. Looking back on the choices I've made throughout my life, some of which are real doosies, you are my constant, you I would never change, never choose differently. Amanda Motta I love you with all my heart, with all my soul, with everything I have. And I want you to know I'm dying inside right now writing this email. My heart has never hurt more than it does right now, I don't think I've ever cried more than this moment.

Your mother is really upset about the other night. More so than I ever thought was possible. I thought she was only blowing off steam when she said she would get a restraining order against me but Amanda she was serious. She's going to call the police on me. I can't talk to you anymore. I can't see you anymore. Amanda if she does that, and I am in contact with you in anyway, I will go to jail for stalking. I'm 18 years old, they'll put me away for it.

I don't even know what to say. What is there to say? I wish I knew how to convince you this was going to end well, that things were going to be okay, but I don't know how. I can't understand why she's doing this, what she thinks of me, but she talked to other parents Amanda. She's not kidding around. If she contacts my mother, my mom is going to take this as far as it can go. It's getting out of hand and this has to stop. This is the only way I know how to do that.

I feel like I'm abandoning you when you need me the most, so I'm not going to tell you not to contact me. But I want you to know, if you do, she's going to call the police on me. I never thought she would do it, but there are plenty of other things I never thought she'd do that she's done. It's ironic you know, I always thought it would be my parents who took it this far. I'm just so sorry. I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am for everything. I never wanted to hurt you. You have to know that, never in my life would I ever hurt you. I wish she believed that.

Make me a promise please. Call Pam, ask to stay with her. You can't be in that house anymore. I don't want to worry about you there. I don't want to wonder every day if you're safe or if you are okay. Your aunts really do love you and if you explain what's going on I know they will help you. I really believe they are good people. You can get a job down there for the summer and go to school in the fall. Maybe things will be different for you at home then, maybe things will have settled down. Your parents just need some time to sort out their own problems away from you. They need to stop taking out their own shit on everybody else, especially on you.

I want you to be safe, chica. I really and truly only want what is best for you. I want you to wake up in the morning and believe that it is a new day, that life is worth living and that people care about you. I don't know if you can do that at home right now, in that house. But you made me another promise, about believing that life does get better, believing in tomorrow and in yourself. I believe in you. No matter how stupid some of the things you've done are, I believe in you. I love you. Don't ever doubt that, don't ever forget it. Don't ever make choices out of anger or fear, choices that you can't take back, things you can't undo.

What a lousy way to say happy 10 months isn't it? I just feel like this big pile of shit right now, and you're probably crying and oh hell I'm a mess but you have to understand that this has gotten bigger than us. She's taken it to huge proportions, I don't know why, I can't fathom what she's so worried about, but it's finally come to this. She wants me to stay away from you, and she's fully prepared to legally ensure that I do. You have to believe me when I say this is the last thing in the world I ever wanted for us. All I want to do is be happy, all I wanted for us was to just be happy, to be ourselves, to live our own lives without anybody else's rules, accusations, without their expectations. But reality isn't like that. This is reality. Realizing that for this moment it's really over is reality. And migod it's the most gut wrenching, heart crushing, tear flooded moment in my entire life. And there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. For anything. Anything you blame me for I'm so sorry. Anything you ever wanted that I couldn't give you I wish I had. Anything you ever needed I didn't provide. Any tear I didn't wipe, any booboo I didn't kiss better, any smile I didn't return, every joke I didn't think was funny, I'm a hundred times sorry for. If there was any other way to do this, I wish I knew what the hell it was. I'm sorry for things that aren't my fault, for things I can't control and for things that are and I can.

This is goodnight but not goodbye. Someday, maybe not ever that far away, once you're 18 and they can't speak for you, then I can call you again. Then I can send you an email, can write on your wall, can look at you again maybe. Until then I can't and I don't have the answers. It all needs to blow over. Time heals everything they say, and we just have to wait. I don't know for how long but we have to believe someday is coming. Because somewhere in the future it is. Somewhere in the future I get to wake up in the morning next to you, tuck you in at bedtime, make you breakfast and drive you to work. I get to kiss you whenever I want to and not care what anybody thinks. We get to hold hands for no reason at all and sleep in just because we want to. Someday is coming.

But this is right now. Right now I can't talk to you. And you need to know taht if you talk to me, she's going to call the police on me. She's going to go through with it and I wish I understood why but I don't. Please love me enough not to take the chance at calling her bluff. Love me enough to keep me safe because right now I'm afraid of her. I'm afraid of the world and I haven't even done anything wrong.

Amanda Motta you are the best things that's ever happened to me. I love you. No matter what happens, I will always love you. And this is the part where I say goodnight, because I was never very good at goodbye.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s