Tag Archives: loss

haiku 14-21

#14 – the hole
a new moon tonight
a heartbeat, a breath, a tear
a step from the edge 
 

#15 – Flat
cold fingers tonight
holding hands in the darkness
I guess I was right 

 
#16 – Circle
the smell of fresh bread
to laugh; but is it enough?
I guess I was wrong 
 

#17 – infinity
the tinkle of rings
bright cold blue skies; forever
i am infinite

 
#18 – Carrington
a wine colored wall
sipping, seeping, seeing me
haunting; it is time
 

#19 – six
time stands still, waiting
still the ocean moves away
faster than you chase
 

#20 – Undone
little boxes there
beside what used to be – but
now just set me free

 
#21 – White Noise
listen to the stars
whisper, whisper, scream at you
words cut just as deep 

 

 

(written 2/25/12 in bed, feeling sorry for myself)

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uncried

there isn’t anyone trying to find me

i’ve gone to look for myself
is this what regret feels like?
looking up through the notches in the staircase banister
the railing – is there another word for that?

it’s cold
the stairs are dusty brown against the grey and white smudged walls
cracks and divets
little snowflakes of plaster turn the stairs grey with age

snap of the light-switch
an ugly antique globe holds a dim brightness
the color has leaked out of everything
i’m standing in greyscale
emptiness inside,
emptiness outside
a greyscale void
with an ever constant tugging

breaths get stuck, caught somewhere in my chest
a heaviness, breathing in smoke
slowly choking
suffocating from the inside out
can you die of regret?

I always thought it ate you alive
gnawing every little bit of your heart away
all you could think of was the past masticating, teething on the future
until there is no future left

but maybe it’s really just tugging
and uncried tears
looking through them at what was
what has been lost…

where do those tears go?

the stars that pierce the sky;

[the backstory to this conversation is that Amanda’s tires were sliced this evening when she got out of rehearsal. Dan, Lelia, Tracy and Alex helped her get home. She didn’t call me to tell me any of this – she told me online]
B: how are dan, lelia and the girls?
A: fine, saved my ass
amazing really, i have to make them cookies for tomorrow
or something
idk what
but like i would have been fucked if they werent there tonight
B: 🙂 theyll love it
yeah im glad they took care of u
A: me too
and ive really got to do something for lelia because like there was so much drama today idk how shes even talking to me
B: y what happened?
A: we had drama at lunch that turned into me almost physically hurting steff
B: whatd she do?
A: we had a thing where we were rating what percentage we like boys/girls
basically quickly turned into chaos where steff basically asked, for me, which i never even wanted to go there, if lelia was gay
which was SO out of line
because its never the time or the place
B: tru. but its not like everyone doesnt kno u like her
A: its not like she asked hey lelia, amanda wants to know if youre gay type of question
B: well thats good at least?
A: no its not
it has nothing to do with lelia
its her running her mouth
B:  im sure that u and lelia have had that discussion, its just none of steffs business if she hasnt talked to lelia about it
A: we actually havent even had that discussion at all [LIES]
B: orly?
A: so i felt she crossed a line that is kind of a sentsitive thing
and its not like a specific me and lelia thing
either
its just like
seriosuly steff
are you kidding me
B: she obvs didnt think it was a big deal
A: yes she did, she just hides it v well
B: so then what was she playing at?
A: who?
B: steff
A: i have no idea
B: if she knew it was a big deal she must have been looking for a response
A: ohh i thought you meant lelia before
steff likes to push buttons that dont need to be pushed
and she enjoys it soo much it makes me ill
B: like i said, she obvs knows u have feelings for lelia and shes fucking with that. god only knows why but thats not fair. and u have every right to be pissed
[time passes]
B: sry – if u dont wanna have this conversation with me i understand
A: its fine
i just got side tracked
and i know this is friend brie
and i know that sucks
and im sorry
B: if you love her theres no right for me to stand in ur way, only to offer u advice as ur friend
A: ok, wehere did that come from
im was just pissed that steff sucks
and id be pissed if she did that to anyone else
i mean not like 100, but probably 85
B: i kno
A: its the asking, persisting on asking if someones gay, not even that its lelia
B: no of course shes wrong in pressing that. especially among friends – thats awful
i was bridging to the whole situation, not steff being a bitch
A: oh sorry
my bad
why the whole situation?
B: bc it needed to be said. and its what ive been trying to talk to u about but since i havent seen you and im not sure when i will bc of everything thats going on – i just wanted u to kno
[time passes]
A: like, sigh
this is not what i wanted to talk about
because i dont really know where i stand or anything
because i know were on the road to getting back together and like
i cant make any judgement calls with us or with her
so im not making any at all
and thats how i need it to be, if i do start doing anything with anybody i might go off the deep end at this point
B: i kno tonight was not a good night to brng this up after the day u had
i wouldnt have except i read what u wrote incorreclty and i opened my mouth
A: im sorry, i just cant function or make logical decissions about it
B: but once i wrote it i couldnt take it back
so i just kept going. which wasnt fair. and i am sorry
A: no i mean there must have been something specific that made you ask it
talking about girls
all of them
im plagued by overemotion tonight
lay it on me
B: me too, overemotion
we dont have to talk about this right now
A: omg i think i might throw up
B: do u want to talk about it now? i feel awful about bringing it up when ur already a wreck i dont want to make it worse
i kno we will eventually – it doesnt have to be right at this moment unless u want it to be
A: maybe later?
B: of course
A: i really just cant take all the drama
B: ikno
most life drama is unaviodable so that which can be offers the opportunity to postpone it i suppose
Twitter: i might throw up. and a million different scenarios are playing thru my head. fuck.
Blog:  yeah hey, so i think i just made the biggest mistake of 2010. and its only february.
holyshit, ive got to go throw up now.
She’s been talking to Lelia online since then, they’re both on FB still. I didn’t want this to go down tonight. I’m completely a wreck, I’ve cried myself out of tears. I don’t even know what to say, I can’t even process this. Can anyone?