Tag Archives: college

hold on loosely…

Overslept, no class this morning for me. Hate myself. I worked and made $46 but made a large deposit at the bank because I hadn’t been in three weeks. I then went to Target and bought clothes (although I just went in there for an alarm clock – except I didn’t know it needed batteries so it’s not going to do me any good tomorrow either).

I conned Jess into coming out to hookah with me and then Johnny Rockets tonight. We just had some bonding time – it was nice. We talked about Alex, this kid in the lab she TAs for that she’s into who is 23 – which is huge for her since they are usually jailbait. I talked about Amanda. I talked about what’s been going on and how I’m feeling and shit. I talked about how, when at Target, I bought her a pair of Valentine’s Day boxers – I really do have a problem.

In so far as Valentine’s Day goes, everyone gets so bent out of shape about it, I don’t understand. The past three years I’ve had a Valentine (my girlfriend) except not once have we actually celebrated together because she’s been working or we’ve had school or whatever. Once again we won’t be celebrating – she’s working, I’m working and oh yeah right, we aren’t anything to each other to be celebrating. Other than that though, Jess has it marked as Single’s Awareness Day on her calendar  and I think it’s a bit much. Being single isn’t anything to be ashamed of and frankly the fact that the media and commercialized society make it out to be a negative thing and rub it in the faces of everyone without a Valentine that they ought to be lonely and unhappy just suck hairy monkey balls. So there.

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if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it…

I don’t want to know what they’re talking about, I haven’t looked. We spoke Saturday night when I asked how she was feeling but that was the last time. I’m not going to be the one – she has got to make an effort. She said she wanted to get together this week. If she can make the time for me, I’ll do it. If she can’t even be bothered to text me to ask how my day was or a simple email, I don’t know where this leaves us. In two weeks, when her rehearsals are over and she’s suddenly got time for me, does it change things? Continue reading

nothing sweet about me…

I watched/read her conversation last night with Lelia – I logged into her FB because I couldn’t stand not knowing. I’m not sure if I’m sorry I did it or not, but this time I don’t think it was stalking so much as spying – an idea I’m a bit more comfortable with although just as morally reprehensible.

Nothing really occured that I didn’t already know, save she told her that she’s liked her since two years ago when she started working in the shop. That would be summer08 which I had thought was our best summer, those are the days that I wish I could get back. Maybe it was all a lie or I was just too naive or silly or something.

I did make her that kit. It’s super adorable. Contents: 4 IOUs (a hairdo, a dinner delievery, a late night adventure, a favor); haiku #13; buffy season7; a hershey’s hugs lip balm; vanilla lotion; facial scrub; pack of blacks & a lighter; cobalt gum; two mixxCDs; a rainbow notepad.

I’m going to drop it off to her at school around 2:30, and we might sit down and chat a bit. She needs to buy books and so do I. We need to talk about this, whatever this is, because it’s eating holes in me. I understand she doesn’t want to decide because it’s hard, but I have to know if she just likes or if she really does love Lelia. If she loves her, I can’t rightfully ask her not to date her because I don’t want her to have ‘what-ifs’. I never want her to wonder what might have happened. I mean I’d prefer she knew there would be no what-ifs but I dated other people while she didn’t and she deserves that.

I just wish that it didn’t crush me as much as it does. I needed all of this to be about me and what I need – and I feel like once again, it’s all about her and what she needs. Granted, I’m not sure what I need, other than to trust her and accept her for who she is. She doesn’t make it easy for me. I want her to mean what she said, that she’d wait for me. I guess them dating casually is harmless if nothings going to come of it. I don’t want them fooling around though, I don’t want Lelia touching her. But if they date and Amanda does come to love her — then what do I do?

Part of me wants to ask Lelia if she does have feelings for Amanda. Not because I want to hate her, because honestly I don’t even if I’m not particularly keen on her these days (Amanda thinks she’s beautiful, and such a strong woman). If she has feelings for Amanda, then again, I won’t work against them dating as much as I hate that idea. If she doesn’t, then I want to ask her to step away, because I love Amanda and I really want to do everything in my power to see us have a future together.