Tag Archives: nights out

they tell me everything is alright…

The sound of E and Laura having sex in the room next door is sort of unnerving.  And then it’s a little awkward when I pick up my computer to leave and the door slowly opens, sees me leaving to go to my own room, and shuts again. It continues to be most uncomfortable for at least my party when I emerge from my bedroom in order to relieve myself before sleep and someone is in the bathroom washing their hands. Or something.  I don’t think of myself as a prude, I’d just rather not specifically hear what it is you do behind closed doors. Quite literally closed doors in fact.

I skipped my first class again today, the same one from Tuesday. I guess having crazy sex with Amanda (again?) is my excuse, except for the non-crazy part. She wanted to get high again today and I’m sort of curious if she think she needs to be high to have great sex, or if she likes being high, or if being high and great sex just seems to amplify the effects for her. I’m going to vouch for the latter. 

Her being high doesn’t always mean she’s better at having sex however. I mean it wasn’t awful but yeah, it’s been better. She’s just always rushing and I don’t know what the hurry is. I’d rather she made me beg for it actually because I feel like then I’d be guaranteed a good return on the investment, so to speak. God, saying that makes me sound awful. But then afterwards when we were cuddling, she got all upset at herself about it being lackluster. It’s not like she hurt me, although it was a tad uncomfortable briefly. She essentially she feels like shit over it and I feel bad as well, but only because she does. I’m too empathetic for my own good. 

I just noticed my bottom teeth are crooked. I also recently chipped a tooth. I need to stop biting my fingernails, I think that’s a key culprit, especially as to why the porcelain veneer didn’t stay the first time. Oh well, it’s distinguishing right? Amanda says I’m the only one who notices it, but there’s not much I can do now since I don’t have dental insurance anymore. 

Again, a new topic completely without transition, Tree. Who I cannot stand. Amanda and E discussed her this evening after I picked Amanda up from work. Laura agrees with me that the woman is a child predator working in that school. What kind of 40 year old woman goes out to dinner with her former students? She’s perpetually stuck in highschool (both literally and socially speaking). The woman graduated from Brown but she lives with her mother. She’s just fucked up, I can’t explain it. In fact, to top it all off, she hates my guts and no matter how nice I try to be to her she’s just rude. Laura and I have agreed it’s because she wants Amanda’s shit. 

I’m not sure what’s in store for the weekend. I’m opening at sbux sunday morning and Amanda’s driving so Saturday night plans seem out of the question. I’ve heard suggestions of a party here tomorrow but I’m not sure they can pull it together in time.


Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick…

We should be those people at the other end of the hallway. We should be in bed, talking about everything. We should talk about nothing and say nothing and mean everything. Instead I’m sleeping alone. And you are 6 miles and too many heartbeats away. And you can’t be here.

It’s just not fair. I think that’s officially my life mantra. Life is just not fucking fair. The alternator on my car is broken, god only knows how I’m going to afford to fix that. I have homework I’m never going to get to because I’m too restless and angsty.

Laura has officially moved in with me. Which basically means that Miss E has also returned. Which I mean yeah, is basically awkward — and yet strangely it’s not? She said to me today that it’s almost like we’re roommates. I was sitting on my bed reading Homer. I just looked up at her into the kitchen (I think she was finished a grilled cheese with her sweatpants hanging down around her thighs and her white briefs with orange elastic trim undeniably noticeable) and told her that we were roommates. I mean we might as well be. She’s practically lived here since Laura moved in and it’s actually nice having her here. It does curb my quick runs to the bathroom half naked to a minimum but hey, compromise is a good thing.

My house smells like pot. I think that’s going to be the worst thing about them being here. And dog food which is probably top ten grossest smells out there.  But Laura bought E the cutest dog ever for Christmas. His name is Brooklyn and he’s a tiny pomeranian and the cutest damn thing to ever pee on my couch. We’re working on house training. I’m not sure how its progressed since I picked up dog poop off a blanket earlier (I didn’t mention this to them since it was old and not worth an investigation).

I’ve just had it up to HERE with Jess. We were supposed to go dancing last night and slowly the party increased from just to two of us to Alyson, Kayla, Amanda and Jen. Which was fine until Jess opened her big mouth and texted me ‘ugh you know how I feel about her’ while I was sitting with Amanda on the couch in her grandparents house. I opened my phone and before I even had time to react to the message, Amanda read it and was livid.

To make a long story short, Amanda and I ended up screaming (well I screamed, I don’t remember if she raised her voice) at eachother in the car a few hours later with Jen in the Jeep behind us wondering why we haven’t gotten out of the car yet and gone into the house. I just completely lost it – I don’t think I’ve screamed  like that since the day I dared my father to come after me.  I cried about it after, I feel so awful about yelling at her.

She was upset about the way I handled the situation with Jess. I hate to yell, I hate to let my temper get the better of me. I have to be in control and flipping a shit and losing my cool is not being in control. I told her I had no intention of popping my top and getting into it with Jess over the phone. We texted back and forth a bit and I told her that she had no right to pass judgement and she doesn’t even know Amanda (which is true – they’ve met once for five minutes or so). And then she goes and brings up Maura. And I’d just about had it at that point. I’m sorry but I would never intentionally bring up the fact that you’re girlfriend has cheated on you with a friend, not ever. She had to know it was going to make me upset and if she didn’t shes an idiot.

Amanda said I never defend her, I never stick up for her. Honestly with my parents that’s completely true and I told her that. I’m a doormat when it comes to them. I’ve really been working to change that but I don’t know if that will ever change. I let them say awful things about her (they haven’t recently however since we hardly speak at all) and I just sit back and don’t tell them they can’t talk that way about the woman I love. And I should but I don’t have the balls.

So basically the fight entails her perception of me not valuing our relationship enough to come to her defense. Although small, I’d like to mention that not hours before at dinner when her mother made some comment about Amanda being fat, I pointedly told her that was mean. Not that its a huge thing but I feel so awful that she thinks I don’t value her. Migod, everything I do is about her (and that’s the way I want it) can’t she see that?

The night died down after that for the most part. Jen, Kayla, Amanada and I went out for a bit to Bravo for a fundraiser then headed back to the house. Jen went to pick up Dave and Amanda left. Things weren’t really settled but I gave her a hug and a kiss and she might not have been warm but she wasn’t hostile. Kayla ended up staing till 4 just talking with me about that and everything else. I just miss her so much these days. We’re trying to get together more often but its just so hard sometimes.

Ashley, Amanda and I took their cousin Gracie (who is the loudest 6 year old I’ve ever met) to the Manton Ave Project show today. Ironically enough it was conflict resolution. The show was great and Gracie was so adorable albeit my eardrums are still recovering. Amanda was a little distant but it could have been worse I guess. I just wish things with us were right again and I’ve apologized and I’m trying to show how much I value our commitment but unless the situation presents itself that I’ve the opportunity to defend her honor, I’m not sure how to proceed. I guess it has to blow over and within a few days things will have calmed.

She’s coming over tomorrow for awhile to do some homework before she heads to Perishable. Mom is dropping off leftovers around 3, Amanda will be at the house. Not sure how that’s going down. I’ve also got Helpdesk Training and Shepard to get my ass to. It’s a full Monday.

And not to mention the story I’ve yet to read and the 3 page essay. Yay school.