like a radio tune I swear I’ve heard before…

No one from work last night wanted to go out — well wanted to go out with me, which hurt my feelings a little. Perhaps tonight but I’m going to try and not count on it. I of course made the mistake of inviting her with a little – We’re going out if ud like to join us after u get out. The response was somewhat positive with a who, where, when and then I think she really thought it out and decided she was going to go home instead. I told her plans had fallen through but I was probably going to go out anyways, even if it meant by myself. Her response was that she didn’t think it was very safe but I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself I said.

Besides, I went out with Jess anyways. We ended up at MB around 1am since it took me so long to get ready. We had fun though, doing makeup and picking outfits. She ended up having more of a fun time than I did since she made out with this kid named Al while dancing. He asked for her number – I’m not sure if he’s a regular there and a creep but I said she could at least text him the next time we went to see if he’s around.

The shot boy who kept walking by was making comments about Jess third wheeling me since she was off with the boy and I was just chilling out on a barstool. I told him I had her back, I was having a good time. And in fact I wasn’t having a bad time per se – I just wish I’d had someone there with me. Al’s friend was all up on me but I told him I was a lesbian which did help a bit although being accosted by sexually fluid European guys might have turned ugly. There were some nice looking girls there, but no one that was my type from what I could tell. Really none of the guys turned me on either. Ugh becoming asexual in Amanda’s absense is all I fucking need seriously.

The music was great though so I think we’re definitly going to go back, maybe tonight if work friends don’t invite me out again. I could invite her again but I think that’s probably a bad idea. I did text her last night (this morning at 230am) to let her know that I was home safe, like she’d asked me to. I just think things between us are shriviling up and dying because she can’t put in that effort.

Her show opens on Wednesday, they started tech today. I told her I was probably going to go to the Thursday night showing since I wasn’t working and I asked if she’d let me take her out to dinner or hookah or just anything afterwards. I wanted to take her out opening night but I know that she wouldn’t choose me over going out with the cast so I didn’t even go there. She said yeah that’d be fine she just had to see which show her mom and Maureen were taking her out after. She said she’d get back to me – she sounded less than enthused although this was over messaging so one never knows.  Going out on a date might be fun – or it might prove to be a disaster.

As far as I know we’re still on for tomorrow for the exchange of goods, whereby exchange I really mean me giving her Raisin in the Sun and the boxers she doesn’t know she’s getting and her giving me perhaps a kiss in return. The idea of just ambushing her has crossed my mind several times. In fact, I think that’s the thought I feel asleep to last night judging by what I can remember of the contents of my dreams.

I just realized I sound really whiny about her and I don’t like it. I sound like those girls I detest who constantly blither on about their boyfriends and how they love them and how everyone else just doesn’t understand. If you could see the face I’m making now, I’m sure I’d have you rolling on the floor. Alas, I feel I’m slowly becoming them. I can’t help some of it though. It really bothers me that she didn’t identify me as even a friend of hers from high-school to Lelia – which might just have been because she doesn’t mention me at all with her or she might have been lying. But since I take most things at face value – she was my best friend. How is coping with losing that easy?

For the last three years she’s been my lover and my best friend and losing both of those things at once again and again and again just is slowly crushing me, I hate it.  I think it’s probably why I have such a hard time being really attracted so someone else, because at the core I really associate being in a relationship with someone with all the things she’s been for me. That’s such a huge space to ask or really expect someone to fill. I mean I know I’m not going to marry the first person I date (perhaps?) but I’m an intense person and the ideas of casual sex and relationships don’t appeal to me.

Right now, my mind is so blank I don’t even have a song running through my head to title this entry with.


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