I don’t want to know what they’re talking about, I haven’t looked. We spoke Saturday night when I asked how she was feeling but that was the last time. I’m not going to be the one – she has got to make an effort. She said she wanted to get together this week. If she can make the time for me, I’ll do it. If she can’t even be bothered to text me to ask how my day was or a simple email, I don’t know where this leaves us. In two weeks, when her rehearsals are over and she’s suddenly got time for me, does it change things?
Jen’s party. Well, I’m glad I went, but I can’t exactly say I had fun. I worked a 12hr day at the A first then drove an hour to south county. As I’m pulling up, Weez and Amanda are outside by her car, and Amanda’s like, who is that, as she’s illuminated in my front headlights. Then I sort of waved and I get this face and some sort of oh shit wtf from her. So I pull up to the house and park and the two of them come over and she’s like, I didn’t know you were coming. I told her I was invited, Jen had asked me to come and she just gets huffy and goes inside.
The night progresses that she gets completely obliterated betweens smoking pot and drinking. She ends up outside throwing up and refuses to let me help her much less really talk to me. She texts Lelia like 16 times, begging her to come get her, which she doesn’t. [tanget – had it been me that she was texting, i would have dropped everything and come to get her because of the state that she was in. she’s never been this bad, ever.] There’s at least one phone call exchange. Eventually, I get her to come back inside since it’s below freezing outside and windy as all hell.
After that, I left with Laura to run some errands and I start getting texts from her.
A: Where are you?
B: I went with Laura. We’ll be back
A: need you
B: You didn’t want me around when I was there. I’ll b back soon
Once I got back, she was in bed with Mik, Amber, Kat and Jen and had thrown up most of the alcohol and was sobering up. She’s like, I’m issuing a blanket apology, I’m sorry. She said we’d talk about it in the morning – which I didn’t believe but whatever. She also asked me not to leave, even though I was completely sober at that point and wound up sleeping on the floor.
So Saturday morning, we’re all up early and she’s making to leave. I just asked if she was leaving now or if we were going to talk. I walked her out to her car and she apologized again for the way she’d acted the night before. I told her I knew she’d had alot to drink and was shitfaced and I wasn’t mad so much about that as about everything else. She asked why I hadn’t told her I was coming, I told her I hadn’t talked to her in 3 days, so when would I have mentioned this? She said she’d been an ass and I agreed. She apologized again, and I told her I accepted her apology but it didn’t make it ok. At this point, she says we should get together sometime this week to talk, which I agreed to, knowing full well that the chances of her making time for me to do this are very, very slim.
She texted me that she got home safe, which I did appreciate. I went to work that night and when I got out, I texted her to see how she was feeling and to ask if she wanted to come out to dinner with my work friends and me. She said she was sorry she couldn’t go (if I believe that I’m not sure), that she was still sleeping off her hangover. I suggested a good nights sleep might do the trick. That’s the last I talked to her.
Caroline, who I know from highschool, was at the party and she spent most of the night (along with Laura) telling me how I’m such a saint and I don’t deserve to be treated like Amanda treats me. And I know they’re right. I know it’s not fair that she walks all over me and exploits the fact that I would do anything for her. Laura said she’s never seen someone love so unconditionally as me. I tried to use that ‘but I love her’ except I know it sounds like bullshit coming out. It’s just how I feel. And being with her or not, I still love her and I’d still do anything for her and she still hurts me. I just wish she understood how much I care – because I honestly think she wouldn’t act the way she does if she really knew how much I love her. Sometimes I don’t think it’s possible for her to see that. I’m not sure if this is something about her that I can change.
I had yesterday off which was really nice because I actually have a terrible cold so I spent the day in bed for the most part. Today I had a class this morning but I was too sick to get up. This is officially the last excuse I have for not going to class. I only have two – it’s not that fucking hard.