nothing sweet about me…

I watched/read her conversation last night with Lelia – I logged into her FB because I couldn’t stand not knowing. I’m not sure if I’m sorry I did it or not, but this time I don’t think it was stalking so much as spying – an idea I’m a bit more comfortable with although just as morally reprehensible.

Nothing really occured that I didn’t already know, save she told her that she’s liked her since two years ago when she started working in the shop. That would be summer08 which I had thought was our best summer, those are the days that I wish I could get back. Maybe it was all a lie or I was just too naive or silly or something.

I did make her that kit. It’s super adorable. Contents: 4 IOUs (a hairdo, a dinner delievery, a late night adventure, a favor); haiku #13; buffy season7; a hershey’s hugs lip balm; vanilla lotion; facial scrub; pack of blacks & a lighter; cobalt gum; two mixxCDs; a rainbow notepad.

I’m going to drop it off to her at school around 2:30, and we might sit down and chat a bit. She needs to buy books and so do I. We need to talk about this, whatever this is, because it’s eating holes in me. I understand she doesn’t want to decide because it’s hard, but I have to know if she just likes or if she really does love Lelia. If she loves her, I can’t rightfully ask her not to date her because I don’t want her to have ‘what-ifs’. I never want her to wonder what might have happened. I mean I’d prefer she knew there would be no what-ifs but I dated other people while she didn’t and she deserves that.

I just wish that it didn’t crush me as much as it does. I needed all of this to be about me and what I need – and I feel like once again, it’s all about her and what she needs. Granted, I’m not sure what I need, other than to trust her and accept her for who she is. She doesn’t make it easy for me. I want her to mean what she said, that she’d wait for me. I guess them dating casually is harmless if nothings going to come of it. I don’t want them fooling around though, I don’t want Lelia touching her. But if they date and Amanda does come to love her — then what do I do?

Part of me wants to ask Lelia if she does have feelings for Amanda. Not because I want to hate her, because honestly I don’t even if I’m not particularly keen on her these days (Amanda thinks she’s beautiful, and such a strong woman). If she has feelings for Amanda, then again, I won’t work against them dating as much as I hate that idea. If she doesn’t, then I want to ask her to step away, because I love Amanda and I really want to do everything in my power to see us have a future together.

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5 responses to “nothing sweet about me…

  1. It is only all about her and what she needs if you let it be that way … Detach a little.
    If she thinks she is a strong woman, let her take care of her needs herself.
    And if she really is … she would probably respect you and want you more if you were too – don’t chase her so much – make her come to you – pull away a little.
    (Maybe – I’m just dribbling here =))

    • I know I need to back off, I’m a suffocater, I just want to take care of her, I love her – i cant help myself lol

      but yes, im trying to make her come to me. its very difficult. i need to try harder. she loved the survival kit tho.

      oh life.

  2. Oh yay =)

    Nah I know exactly what you mean – I absolutely Strangled my ex when I realised I wanted him back … and yeah that didn’t work out very well at all … plus you feel so powerless and pathetic … like the ball is Always in their court …

    Adopt a project maybe? haha

    • yeah thats exactly it – the ball is in their court and they just take to goddamn long!

      a project sounds like a great idea. i wish i could think of one. work? but while thats distracting, i cant be doing that all the time, particuarly at the times i miss her most, like from 6pm onward

  3. Art? Catching up with friends you’ve forgotten about? Knitting?! Omg learn guitar xD

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