it messed me up need a second to breathe…

It’s been a very interesting day. I was supposed to go to Financial Aid today with my dad to set up my package for next semester and file my 2010 FAFSA. However, I did not do that because I spent c.4 hours at Amanda’s house.

I can already feel the judgemental stare and the – you know you shouldn’t have done that. I don’t regret my decision though.

It started off that I was going over around 11:30 after her dad left for work because she was skipping working in the shop this morning. We were going to have brunch together for an hour or so before my appointment on the other side of the city at 1. I had a cup of coffee but we really spent the first 45 minutes taking the dogs outside, watching some Buffy and being a bit awkward.

And then we’re standing in her kitchen and I say something, and my arms are around her neck and we’re kissing (with the dogs sort of just staring at us, which is funny). This continued for a good half hour, just making out in her kitchen – and then things get a little more intense. At this point it’s 12:30 and I tell her I have to leave, between breaths and kisses. And she asks me to stay.

So I had a few options. I knew what would happen if I stayed – we’re standing at the top of the flight of stairs to the front door, I’m holding my coat and shes sucking on my fingers and says she wants me. I’m thinking that I know what happens if I stay, which is something I want but I don’t think I’m ready for because then what does that do to whatever it is we have now? And I know that if I leave, yeah I’m the one who leaves her in suspence, but I don’t get what I want either and I’m the one who said no. Okay, and not to mention, how often does this situation (opportunity?) occur. Given the lack of action in my life lately, let’s say very infrequently – and I’ve also been fantasizing about said situation.

So I pulled a 2007 move and called my dad to tell him the office had rescheduled for Monday and called the office to ask if I could reschedule for Monday (lets hope she doesn’t mention this at the actually meeting now on Monday) and stayed with Amanda until 3.

I let things go way farther than I ought to perhaps, but I don’t regret so much what I did, because I did it knowing full well that I would get attached, no matter what’s happened between us in the past or how much I try to convince myself otherwise. And lying in her bed in her arms, her skin touching mine, her tucking my hair behind my ear, I couldn’t help but love her (I didn’t say it though, because I can’t commit to that).

She’s all – what? what’s that look for? – and my only response is that it’s her. She didn’t really understand at first, but it’s because it was her, like really her that I was there with, finally her and it was real. Not really something I wanted to spew out, because I felt like us being all gooey instead of all passionate and intense gave it the idea that it had to mean more than it did. Because I’m not going to say it meant nothing, sex doesn’t mean nothing, being that close with someone doesn’t mean nothing, but it didn’t have to mean that we were serious — or just more than what we are? That makes no sense written down but in my head (and especially at the time) it made complete sense. Again, that’s not something I said to her.

Not related really to this, but afterwards she’s all wicked awkward saying she’s out of practice and she needs to work on things because I’m like Karma Sutra Certified (does that exist?). To be honest, she does need to work on some things, she’s not great in bed but I tend to think (at least for now) it’s the thought that counts and the fact that she can’t quite get me off doesn’t especially bother me especially knowing that she’s going to work on it in the future (does this mean we’re hooking up again soon?). Can anyone offer suggested reading materials I ought to point out? Videos? *giggle

We haven’t talked about this. Her mom was on her way home and so we dressed and left the house (her to class, me to no place in particular) without a chance to talk about what this meant (if anything) and whether or not we’re pretending it didn’t happen. She was at work right after class and just texted me goodnight. I mentioned I was glad I stayed and she agreed but that was the end of the convo with a gnite xoxo.

So essentially I’ve fucked shit up (no pun intended). I did so knowingly and don’t deny that in the slightest and I’m taking full responsibility but still this blows. I want her right now, just here with me, to feel her skin against mine and be warm in bed. I didn’t get that at Pinehurst, not at Huxley and hell’s going to freeze over before I get that living with the Gestapo. If there’s any potential for us to get to sleep together (sexually or otherwise because honestly I’d happily crawl into bed completely rated G and go to sleep) it’s going to be at her house, most likely when there’s no one else around and maybe for an hour or two if I’m lucky.

Does this mean that now that she’s gotten some after nearly 4 months (o.O OMG) she’s satistfied and won’t feel the need to wander? Does it mean that she’s gotten what she wanted so she’s going to ignore me until the need gets strong again? Does this mean that we’ve screwed up any chance of us taking things slowly? Or does it mean nothing – nothing to her and therefore nothing to me. Because I can spout whatever bullshit I want, but this didn’t mean nothing to me. If anything it confirms what I’ve always known – that our physical chemistry and just even the fucking smell of her skin can sustain me, the way she looked at me (oh fuck I’m making myself cry).

I’ve just gone and complicated everything and now I want her so badly and I’m just working myself up over it. I need to calm the hell down – part of this is because I didn’t take my fourth pill today so I’m a little on edge this late in the day. I need to just chill out and get some sleep and maybe I’ll have perspective on this tomorrow or something.

I guess I just want this to have meant something to her, something more than just us letting go of restraint for a few hours and then going back to however things were before. Because I feel like that’s house it’s all going to go down, things just going back to the way they were. Which is probably for the best right? I didn’t want a relationship and I still don’t honestly know how much I trust her, no matter how much I love her. I want this to make her want to commit to me and only me, none of this ‘i’m going to this party and i’m not responsible for what i do’ bullshit that she gave me the other night about Jen’s 21st birthday party (to which it seems I’m not invited, big surprise).

We’re just complicated. Life is so beautifully fucked up.

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2 responses to “it messed me up need a second to breathe…

  1. it was actually more like a mouth drop/gasp combo.
    in the middle of class no less. heh.

    but wow. this is a very complicated relationship if I’ve ever seen/read one.
    and though I’m not exactly well versed in relationships (let alone lesbian ones) I think that asking her to be exclusive with you shouldn’t be too much if she truly cares about you. that’s at least what Dan Savage says. ha.

    but then you don’t want a relationship and don’t completely trust her, and what’s a relationship without trust? eek I’m confused so I can just imagine how much you are.

  2. i think as far as relationships go in general, the fundamental dynamics of heterosexual vs homosexual are really the same. It just happens to be between two men or two women – gays have the same relationship issues that straight people do.

    i definitely want her to be exclusive with me, whatever we have is. my biggest problem is that although I say i don’t want a relationship – maybe i do? and i say i don’t trust her, well, i did just sleep with her so on some level i do trust her a hell of a lot.

    ick complicatednesssss

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