i don’t wanna be friends…

Ah well, so I think I’ve complicated my life, although I can’t take full responsibility. Amanda and I went to Target, lightly shopped for like a half hour and they were closing. So we get outside and can’t decide were to go (because she doesn’t want to go back to Grammy’s house right away). We essentially stand there for 45 minutes, me suggesting we go to a movie, or go get coffee or she can come back to the house to play pool.

It’s really awkward, because she asks if I’m trying to trick her, inviting her to the house. I don’t know what she meant, and I asked, but she just kind of laughed and said nothing. Then she makes some suggestions, like sledding, which is never going to happen because I was in a dress. Then she’s like, we could just make out – and I was like, I can give you a hug? It came so out of left field, I just didn’t know what to say.

So we end up getting in the car. Yet another awkwardness ensues because I asked whose car we were getting into because it’s fucking freezing and I was like, well my backseat is clear, we can get in mine. She’s like, why not the front seat? And I don’t really know, it didn’t occur to me that assuming we were sitting in the backseat is weird — but apparently it is/was. Anyway, we get in her car and drive for a bit as she decides we’re going somewhere, even if we don’t know where.

As we’re driving, she puts on her iPod, and OF COURSE, the song that comes on, is Bad Romance by Lady Gaga. She would be my bad romance, I don’t want to be just friends with her. The irony in my life is epic.

We end up at our old high school, where I haven’t been in like at least a year, and we get some high-speed air. We do some more driving around, ending up doing spin outs in the parking lot in front of the market. At that point, I’m wicked nauseous so we head back to the Target parking lot. It’s cold (obviously) but we stand between our cars, me leaning against hers, attempting not to be sick.

The feeling passes, things get less (more?) awkward. There’s talk about not being able to feel my feet. There’s some hugging. Then she’s kissing my neck tentatively and I’m frozen (literally and figuratively). She says she’ll stop if I want her to, and my response is that I don’t know if I want her to stop or not.

Obviously I wasn’t expecting this – I mean it’s exactly what I wanted, her to want me back, her to desperately need me (vain much, god) but I felt uneasy. And then I’ve got goosebumps and I can’t really think anymore because my knees are weak and I’m dizzy (and cold). There’s some discussion about the perfume she’s wearing as I try to guess it, me breathing into her neck – it’s BoraBora, not like that’s pertinent but whatever.

My nose is cold, her’s is nice and warm from being nuzzled in my neck, there’s some Eskimo kisses – and then I think it’s me who finally kisses her for real. And it’s like in the movies, two people who haven’t seen each other in ages get together and are like all over each other. It didn’t go farther than kissing (I wouldn’t have let it, although I say that and who really knows) but we kissed for at least 15 minutes. There’s some breathing pauses of course, and a brief conversation consisting of her declaring she doesn’t ever want to stop kissing me, and my honest response that I’d prefer she never did stop.

Eventually she gets a text message from her mom asking if she’s back at Grammy’s yet, so of course she needs to leave. That’s not too difficult a task I suppose, so there are goodnights, goodbye kisses and I say I’ll text her when I get home. I spent most of the drive home trying not to think about what happened, wondering if this was going to be one of those – we just won’t ever talk about this – moments or if it meant something or what.

So now we’re chatting. And she’s apologized for instigating (which is stupid because I’m equally culpable). She misses me, misses kissing me, misses all of me – and I miss her too. She thinks about me all the time – this is all just so screwed up, I don’t know what I’m feeling right now or what the hell I’m supposed to do or say. I’m getting what I wanted…

And I did get what I wanted, I guess I didn’t give her enough credit. She’s proud of me – which made me cry. We’re not ready for a relationship, but we can be friends and get to know each other again. I told her I didn’t know how long or what I would need, and she said she can wait until I’m ready, which I don’t know if she knows, but that’s exactly what I needed to hear. If things go well, this time it might be different. We have all the time we need.

Things to ponder to keep this in perspective: (since I’m sort of on cloud9 right now) I don’t know what up with her and Lelia – she doesn’t know I know about her and Lelia nor do I know if I should tell her. I’m thinking no, because I dont need anything else screaming freaky stalker. I don’t know how tonight plays into ‘the plan’ but I think it just counts as a speed bump, a cautionary reminder to take it slow because alot of emotion is at stake (admittedly on both sides). This cannot become a soul-sucking obsession of mine (it’s not like it hasn’t been, lets be honest), I need to keep perspective and not let myself drown in emotion.

My new years resolutions (new decade resolutions!) will follow this I’m sure eventually, but right now I’m going to go to sleep and not feel guilty about imagining she’s holding me. Not even a tiny bit guilty.


3 responses to “i don’t wanna be friends…

  1. i hope that things get un-complicated for you!

  2. Patience, dear, patience. I absolutely hate waiting for love to happen. Plus, I think about it almost constantly, but I’ve found I’m happier when I don’t dwell on what might happen. Good luck with Amanda 🙂

  3. thanks for both of your support 🙂

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