she left me roses by the stairs…

Friends just have a way of making you feel better.

Alex: I’m okay =D
I’m currently at EJ’s, his parents invited me here for new years and he’s going to introduce me to his HS friends at New Year’s Eve party =3
/psyched
how’s you gorgeous?

me: THATS FANTASTIC!
lol
um, mes ok. im a bit emotional at the moment, i had lunch with amanda and we talked – i hadnt seen her in a long time, like over a month i think. im just recovering

Alex: awww.. =[ I’m sorry gorgeous
Was it okay? How’s she been?
Say she missed you?

me: shes been good, she said she did miss me (well not in so many words, but she said it was good to see me, that i was weird with me not around). she said we should get together more. i mean it actually went really well – just like old times. thats sorta my issue right now.

Alex: Awww..

me: im dealing with feeling a loss of her right now, like she was standing in the hole she’s left in my life this afternoon, but now shes stepped out of it again, and im just sortof looking down into the hole

Alex: Because you don’t know what you want to do? Because it feels strange not having her in your life the way you used to?

me: i was afraid of this

Alex: agh
like prodding a wound

me: exactly
but seeing her was worth it

Alex: Maybe staying friends with her will be as well, if that happens

me: i do know what i want to do. i want to be friends

Alex: Having her presence there again, even if you can have her the way you used to be able to

me: exactly

Alex: d’aw

me: and i couldnt be in a relationship with her right now anyway, i need to focus on myself

Alex: still have stuff to heal? things to figure out for yourself?

me: we didnt talk about that tho
i have me to figure out. like, i lost alot of myself in that relationship, bc of other things going on too, but like id forgotten who i am
and i want to like myself, be okay with who i am, know me, if that makes sense? before i get involved with someone on a serious level

Alex: I mean, it makes sense, because I comfortably will admit that EJ is a part of who I am as a person
and I think that relationships should work that way
if you invest a lot, it’s going to suck when they go

me: they are. and so does. because she was a huge part of me
and i need to be at a place with myself that if shes not there, i can still functiona nd be happy – and i wasnt at that place
so im going to find myself lol

Alex: XD
Just don’t be too cautious about getting into a new relationship
Because I think you can do both at the same time, as long as you don’t feel too distraught, and that sometimes other people can help

me: my problem is mostly that i want to be with her – which doesnt work in our lives at this point :/
i figure a good semesters worth of working out my own shit is a good thing, and then ill see where things stand

Alex: Just because you’re so far apart and it’s not feasible for you two to be together?
Or because she’s seeing someone?
I need to come see where you work sometime soon, as an aside x_x
As an aside, gay victory! =D
We protested eminem sufficiently enough that he promised to stop being homophobic at his concerts as long as we stop protesting.

me: lmaoo oh eminem
well im not sure if shes seeing someone, thats not something we discussed
we arent together because she wasnt supportive enough of me, i wish shed stuck around when i needed her to, but she told me things were too hard, too complicated in my life. so i told her she could not worry about it anymore, i could do it myself
we also have changed alot, we grew into different people and i was stupid to think that i still knew her as well as i had, i never bothered to try to keep getting to know her, so by the time i realized, i didnt know her naymore
i want to try to get to know her again

Alex: This seems to be a different from the tune you sang the last time you talked about why you two broke up, are you saying it was your fault?
Or just why you can’t get back together?
Because I understand that, but I wouldn’t blame yourself for you two not working out in the first place
And I think the reason you’re questioning yourself so much now is because of how shitty it is to break up with someone you’re devoted to
Because think about it, were you ever entirely sure of yourself even when you were with her? All the time?
We’re always questioning
We just don’t have someone to help reassure is when we’re alone, and even less of that when we’re left or leave a loved one

me: very true, very true oh wise alex 🙂
i just wish i could forget all the complicated things, and we could just work
im just not sure if that can happen

Alex: =[
hugs you

me: yay hugs

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