whaddaya want from me…

My head is in a hundred places right now, so I’m trying to just sort out. Bear with me.

Lunch today with Bucci and Miranda at Fresh City was fantastic. We got to do some bonding (really more me and Bucci than Miranda because she’s so quiet) and it was great to catch up with them. Transfering and leaving them behind was hard on me and I hope that we can retain a friendship although I don’t see them all the time. It’s also pretty awkward that I’m closer these days to Miranda (we had ENG175 together) than I am to Nichole. Backstory on that, they have a very screwed up relationship history which essentially I always thought was due to Miranda but in fact it seems Nichole just lives for the drama. Regardless, I think I can be friends with both of them without choosing a side since I’m not being pressured by anyone.

Now onto what’s making me crazy – Amanda and I are having lunch tomorrow. I’m really trying not to freak the fuck out but it’s not exactly working. Em and I have already had a conversation about what I’m going to wear, how I don’t want to seem like I’m trying too hard when in all actuality I’m really trying much too hard. Jess isn’t thrilled with the idea that I’m even talking to her, and I haven’t told anyone else that I’m seeing her, both for lack of opportunity and lack of people to really tell. I was proud of myself, I didn’t mention it today at lunch at all, I didn’t even mention her name which in the past has been a rarity for me.

I don’t know what I want. I keep having this scenario play out in my head where things are okay with us. And then it morphs into me making the huge mistake of like, making out with her or something – I don’t even know, it’s screwed up. I keep thinking about July 2007 and the talk we had one night when her class was canceled. We met in Riverside at the park and talked for hours. As I was pulling up, the song How to Save a Life by the Fray was playing on the radio – and I just remember thinking that this was the way it was going to play out. Obviously things went well that night, we ended up making out and getting back together essentially, I don’t remember more details than that although I suppose I could go search the archives if I was really interested. I don’t think that’d be the best idea for me though, I don’t want to think about the past right now.

I’m trying to concentrate on the future, that’s the whole point of what’s going on in my life right now. I don’t want to screw this up – I feel like I want to leave things unscarred between us. If there was a way in the future that we could work, I don’t want this to be the reason we never see that opportunity. I think that’s my problem at it’s deepest.

I still want to be with her. I can say not right now because I know it’s what I need, but what I want? I want her to hold me, to come to bed and just be with me as we fall asleep. It’s so fucked up, that after everything she puts me through I feel like this about her, but I’m at least trying to be somewhat honest with myself about it. Obviously I’m not telling her all of this, because it needlessly complicates things between us more than they already are, but let’s be honest, I’d love it if she told me what I’ve just said. Although, I don’t know if I could actually tell her no, I can’t do that now. I think the answer is I won’t do that right now, but I have to be strong enough to say that.

So that’s what I’m trying to gather right now. Strength and self-assurance. Because I do deserve to find myself and be happy with myself, I don’t need her affirmation to make things okay (although I would like it). I cannot have a healthy relationship with someone if I don’t have one with myself first. I cannot rely on her and I will not anymore. I haven’t for three months and I think I’ve grown up a little bit – that remains to be seen but it’s a start at least.

I’m not sure if I want to have a good cry tonight before I go to sleep. It’s probably a good idea to release all the extra emotions that are lingering around me right now. I want to go into Chilis tomorrow with a clear head and a clear idea of what I want to accomplish. I keep looking back to my entry and reminding myself what I want to say. I’m going to try to write some poetry or something before getting a good night sleep as well.

Recap. The Place: Chilis at 1. The Plan: talk about why we broke up. talk about what capacity we can be part of eachother’s lives in the future. The End: closure.

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3 responses to “whaddaya want from me…

  1. Its amazing how alone when you’re heartbroken, but i absolutely agree with you. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone unless you have one with yourself…and thats exactly what im going through right now too. You have to know in the end everything will work out & thats what why i have hope in the future.

  2. stay strong & keep your walking boots on. focus on what you want now.

    and thanx 4 the blogroll add also =)

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