its beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

She apparently lost her phone during finals and just let me know last night she got my message. I guess that’s props to her either understanding that not getting back to me is insulting and hence lying because she forgot or didn’t want to deal or whatever, or she really did lose her phone. Whatever, either scenario is fine with me. She agreed to talking after Christmas. We briefly discussed families, work, exams. I told her that I didn’t finish the semester (I also told my sister that today) and I’m unsure of her reaction. I think she probably had an inkling that I wasn’t finishing but I have no idea. She didn’t say anything about it. Jen’s party didnt happy last night so neither of us were present to discuss this further. I haven’t talked to her today.

I spent today attempting to free myself from cleaning responsibilities and hung out with Em and my dad all day, which actually was very nice surprisingly enough. We went shopping for my mom’s presents – perhaps I’ll post imgs of them later if I’m not long winded. Then I took Em shopping for a bit before we returned home to decorate the Christmas tree. While normally that act is abysmal and makes me want to strangle an elf, it went very well and I enjoyed it, shock of all shocks. Then we sat down to dinner and watched Four Christmases with Reese Whiterspoon and Vince Vaughn. The movie was so funny although I didn’t enjoy the ending. I thought that after Reese had explained to Vince their relationship might need to change because they were changing, and after his subsiquent freak/bail out of her at her father’s house (which really, if you’ve seen the movie, its hard to believe THATS the house he chooses to leave her at, because honestly I’d have been WAY THE FUCK OUT OF THERE at Vince’s dad’s) – I thought after they’d argued and he’d left that the movie really ought to end. Yes the conversation with her father about family was super sweet – but Vince should have stayed with his dad. They were so cute together throughout the entire movie and I envied the relationship they had, but her change of heart had been visible on the screen through each house they visited while Vince really just seemed to be there for the humor. Her change of character is believeable, almost to the point of being realistic (its a movie, not that much can happen in 2 hours) but his just isn’t there. I’m pleased for the two of them at the end when he decides he still wants to try but what woman wouldn’t want the man she is in love with to change his mind and decide he wants to get married and have babies because that’s what she wants – it’s all a little heterosexist for my taste, but I digress from my original stab. I felt I could relate to the context of the movie, dysfunctional family, a relationship that is at a peak of change (NO BABIES FOR ME) but the end was cheesy Hollywood.

I decided that I have to topics of discussion when we sit down to talk about things. The first is why I decided to break up with her. See previous post for more on that. The second is my asking her if she wants to be part of my life in some capacity. I see  instances of that working out listed as follows:

1. She says she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.

I respect that decision because I know when we are together things tend to get very emotional and we both can and have hurt eachother a lot over the past three years. I would have wanted to try and stay friends however, because you’re presence in my life has always helped me grow to be a better person and I love having you around. I enjoy spending time with you immensely. However, the past is the past, and that’s what I would be holding on to if I forced you back into my life. We aren’t the people we were and I can’t pretend that we are. Maybe we’ve grown farther apart but it makes me sad to think we’ve grown so far that none of our brances touch any longer. If you do change your mind, and decide you’d like for me to be a part of things, you know where to find me.

2. She wants to be friends.

I’m glad to hear that because living without her in my life hurts me because no matter how much we argued, she was always a ray of sunshine for me. I want you and all you bring to be part of my life again – your family, your cousins, your grandparents and aunts and uncles. I know things will not be the same between us, we aren’t the same people we were, but rather than looking to the past and lamenting over what’s been, I’d like to start fresh and carve a new friendship, getting to know you better.

3. She wants to ‘be more than friends’.

Right now I do not want a relationship right now, I’m not in a place where I can sustain something healthy. I want us to be friends, I want to get to know you again. Somewhere I stopped trying to continually know you and I insulted you by assuming that I knew everything about you, how you would react, how you think, what you do. I don’t know all of you, parts are new and parts have changed. At the same time, I don’t know myself which is why I can’t be with someone else. I need to find my new parts and examine them and learn to love them before I can ask someone else to do the same. I want you to be there with me as I find myself again, as my friend. Perhaps something more can come of that in time if we so choose and are in the right places in life, but right now that cannot be.

4. She doesn’t know.

Then I suppose there will come a time when you do know what you want, and when that time comes, I’d like you to ask me to talk again. I’m not giving you any sort of ultimatum, I want you to be free to choose whatever you like and it doesn’t have to be at this minute.

So there you have it. This is what I came up with while showering tonight although I’d been pondering it most of the day.


One response to “its beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

  1. Pingback: whaddaya want from me… « you & me & the sky

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