you’re a hot mess, i’m loving it hell yes…

I’m sort of sad that I didn’t go to the Cobra Starship concert this summer. Kay and I had tickets and everything and I can’t quite remember why we didn’t go but something tells me it was just pure laziness. It’s a shame really.

I swore to myself I was going to update, and so here I am. Albeit since it’s past midnight there is no technical Monday entry, but what the fuck who cares anyway? Work was fine, I made $40 so I can’t complain too much for two and a half hours of toil and only 6 parties, one of which was my parents.

I talked to JD today on the phone for a bit before work. I told him about how I was feeling particularly blue about everything going on with Amanda and my life etc. He really is a good uncle to me, and not an altogether bad listener/advice giver. Andrena is too, I talked to her either last night or the night before, I can’t quite remember.

I sent her a message today saying that once the holidays and shit were over that I wanted to sit down and talk. At the time I had no idea what I wanted to say, but I spent alot of time thinking about it as I got ready for work (ironing?!?! WHAT?!?! yes it really happened, hell hath frozen over).

I want to tell her that us breaking up really wasn’t about her, it was about me. I was (am) lost, I’ve forgotten who I am and I need to find that person again because I miss her terribly. I need a purpose in my life again and she wasn’t able to help me find that right now. It might be blame to suggest she was preventing it – I don’t really think she was – but I think she wasn’t aiding me the way a significant other should. How could I possibly be in a healthy relationship when I don’t know who I am, when I hate who I am? So that’s the real reason I think that I ended things. I needed to step off on my own to find myself, which blows huge fucking hairy monkey balls (see living with my grandparents in the pornstar-closet-bedroom) but such is life.

I’m not sure what I want her to say in return. I just hope she says something. Being around her hurts, because I feel like it reminds me of how much I really lost myself and all the signs I should have seen along the way before it was too late – it makes me feel like a failure. But being apart from her hurts too, because she was such a huge part of how I defined myself before that I have a huge hole.

I watched New Moon tonight – that’s the book I was reading the summer after senior year when Amanda and I were forced apart by my (our?) parents (or by our own stupidity, regardless it’s unimportant why). I remember feeling that hole Bella talked about, the hole that lasts for months and months that nothing can fill. I just want to say, that the second half of that movie is bullshit though because life doesn’t work like that after you leave someone. Bella found Jacob and yes, maybe he’s sorta tapped as well, and he’s got his werewolf issues to deal with, but at the end of the day, he wasn’t as selfish as Edward. Because I think the reason Ed leaves Bella is also bullshit – he’s not protecting her, he’s afraid. It’s going to be too hard with his family to take care of her, she’s too much to worry about, she’s a handful.

I’m projecting obviously (book characters anyone?) but I really do feel like he just copped out. Bella ought to have stayed with Jake after she saved Ed’s life. I completely support her going to save him, he was an idiot, who in his own selfish ways obviously did love her because he wasn’t willing to live without her, but if his love was that unconditional, he never would have left in the first place, he would have found a way to make it work. Jake was at least trying to do that until Alice showed up at Bella’s house and they fled the country to save Edward’s sorry ass.

I think that’s the heart and soul of my problem. I wish she hadn’t given up so easily on me. I wish that when I’d said I needed time, I needed space, that she could have given me it – what I’d given her countless times before when she freaked the hell out on me for one reason or another. I know that I’m difficult to live with, I know thats especially the case when I’m depressed and slowly losing my mind, but I wish she’d stuck it out. That’s really all I wanted from her – I guess it was too much to ask.


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