It’s Wednesday after 8 so I’m presently listening to Harry’s radio show (his mom, Lady Mama, is guest DJing with him and Lauren) like the sadist I repress – but that’s irrelevant to what I was going to talk about.
Cutting right to the chase, I had a dream about Amanda last night (unsure if it was specifically about her or if she was just in it). I don’t remember most of it but I’m sure there was heavy making out and we might well have had sex. I’m really not comfortable with the idea of dreaming about her. This is the longest we’ve been broken up since we started going out – although there was only one other time when we weren’t just really ‘taking a break’, that time being when my father threatened her and we didn’t speak for almost two months. We’re right on that timeline now, and although things resolved themselves (I think she contacted me, I can’t quite remember) I don’t know if they will this time, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want them to.
I have vowed that I’m just taking her out of my life for a bit. I didn’t park next to her car tonight at school, although it was the first spot I saw even though I wasn’t looking for her(it figures right, like WTF karma, WTF?). I refuse to check her FB, I refuse to txt her or think about her. I just want to move past our/my past.
I spent a few hours over at the apartment with Kay last night. We chatted about things that have been going on and it was great to have her back from FL! We talked alot about how I just feel like I’ve wasted the past year of my life, I’ve accomplished nothing. 2009 has been by far the worst year so far (of those I’ve kept track of since 2003) – which is saying a hell of alot actually if you check out the blogs from the past. 2008, although that’s the year that I started depression meds and found out about Amanda cheating on me, was the best – go figure. Hell 2006 was a close second and 2007 ranked 3rd I think but it just pretty much went downhill from there. I’m rambling but I just feel like I’ve wasted a year of my life I’ll never get back and every year is so precious as you get older and they just go by faster and faster. 6 months ago I started at Reflections and now they’re closed down. I lived with Kay, then we moved into the Huxley apartment and now I’ve moved out. Things (life in general?) have just gotten away from me this year and I’ve been so lost, it’s disgusting.
I’m really putting a concerted effort to move on and start being productive. I went to class tonight (albeit that I needed to get my final exam) and I plan to go next week so I can at least get credit for WMNS. I’m going to start going to the gym at school since it’s already payed for rather than joining up at the YMCA up the road.
– Wicked ADD tonight, but the Grammy’s are on in the background? Or the nominations show? Do they even do nominations shows? And SVU is on, and I’m missing it. Oh, it is nominations, they’re calling it the Nominations Concert. I love it when they pan to old people in the audience who have no idea who the band is or have even heard of the song-
Em turns 15 tomorrow – I feel so old. Parent teacher conferences tomorrow night for her so hopefully I’ll get to take her out to dinner or something at least, if I can sneak her out while the rents are at the school and get her back before they get home. Who knows, but it’s worth a shot at least planning.
My attention span is waining immensely. I also wanted to mention the highlights of my day were taking a long hot bath and having TacoBell & sbux for dinner. I don’t think I can continue with this entry because I’m just all over the place right now. Perhaps later I’ll finish up my thoughts, I haven’t really accomplished what I wanted to say.