While I was driving to the library this afternoon – with Weightless blasting as loud as my car stereo speakers can conceivably manage without sustaining substantial damage from a raging bass guitar line that gives me goosebumps – I had one of those epiphanies I feel were more prevalent a year or two ago in my life. I’ve just felt lost and I’ve been running on auto-pilot for so long. It’s very easy for me to slip into zombie mode and not care about what’s happening around me except when I crawl into bed at night, in which case I don’t sleep and spend the night crying over things I cannot change and do not understand (see the last 4/5 nights).
My heart hurts, maybe less than it used to (which is a good thing, don’t get me wrong), but it hurts and dealing with that scares the crap out of me. More than August 15, 2006 scared me. More than February 2007 scared me. More than July 2008 scared me. More than anything in my entire life, but I’d say it’d be closest to August 15, the day I decided that I wasn’t going to be afraid of loving Amanda.
Christ, I’m sitting in the library at school right now, ready to bawl my eyes out. It’s not that I’m sad, not quite anyway. I don’t regret a thing that’s happened, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, no matter how much she hurt me. Choosing to take the plunge and trust her with every cell in my body isn’t something I would ever want to take back because letting myself be in love with her was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I found the person I could really be, not just who my mother wanted me to be. I grew up the past three years, and being with her jumpstarted that.
The problem that I’m having now I suppose, the string that’s tied around my heart, which isn’t quite clenching but still leaves a lump in my throat, is that it didn’t work out. I’m not sure if I have doubts if it was as real for her as it was for me – I was there eavesdropping last night when she was attempting to confess her love for Lelia and I saw it coming, I just know her that well. I’m not sadistic enough to go back and compare line for line the conversation we had the night of August 14, but I’m fairly confident many of the same lines would appear in both conversations. Surprisingly, that doesn’t really upset me. I’ve always known she liked Lelia, and although I was surprised she wants to marry her (her statement, not mine), she used to say the same things to me about when we would move in together how we would cuddle and everything would be alright.
And it’s sort of pathetic to admit but in her arms everything was alright, even when we were at our most turbulent and destructive times. Letting myself experience that complete openness with myself brought me peace. I feel like by breaking up with her, I’ve lost that openness, which is silly but there all the same.
I didn’t fail, there was nothing I could have done differently. I changed, I’m not the same girl she fell in love with and a big part of our problem is that she didn’t change. Maybe every change on my part wasn’t for the best (see being a year behind in school and 9 failed classes) but it is what it is, I can’t go back and change that, and for the most part I wouldn’t want to. I don’t hate her, I don’t wish her harm, I still love her very much. But loving her doesn’t make us good for each other, and it doesn’t make it work when reality gets in the way. If we lived in a vacuum, then we could be together, but we don’t. Maybe in another time, in another place but not now, not this place.
I think the cord around my heart is nostalgia or some close relative. When I was crying these past few nights, I wasn’t sobbing and its not the tears that hurt me. They were the sort of tears you have when something is just beyond words, not necessarily melancholy tears, although there was some sadness there, I can’t deny that. I think I was crying for the us we used to be, I still hold onto some of that – the good ole’ days. Living in the past is a dangerous trend that I don’t want to get myself into, I want to get out of here and be myself and be open and be happy.
I’m working on getting there. I think superfluous entries about what I’ve done in a given day, and what TV I’m watching are stupid but I’m trying, I’m taking my first steps. I should be seeing Dr. Jen although since she’ s not covered by insurance the chances of that occurring seem slim to none. Perhaps I’ll make an appointment at the counseling office here, it can’t hurt to try. I need to at least finish WMNS this semester with a passing grade (hence being in the library so that I can actually do my homework, which I did complete before I began this entry) and start next semester fresh. Being a year behind doesn’t make me feel good about myself, it’s not something I’m proud of, but I can’t really change it since I have a 6 course requirement which can’t be taken concurrently.
As far as loosening the cord on my heart, the ways I’ve been trying are superficial. Fooling around with Harry was neither productive (in any sense) nor was it fair to him. On some level, although I do like him, I was using him, an action I do find reprehensible since because of me he cheated on Lauren. He’s not without blame so I don’t quite feel guilty about it, but I can acknowledge my reasons behind it which I am not proud of, nor will I attempt to defend.
Throwing myself into any sort of relationship right now is most likely a poor life choice. I need to concentrate on my own openness and willingness to embrace the future and all it has to bring me. Once I finish college, I’d like to get away from here for awhile. I’ll probably apply for a job somewhere in the Midwest, although I love the ocean so perhaps the West Coast. I need to be in a place where the crutches I’ve relied on simply aren’t available. I need to meet people who don’t know Amanda, who don’t ask me how she is, who don’t go to my school, who don’t know my family, don’t know where I went to high school. It’s not so much starting fresh, but it’s putting the past behind me, something I have difficulty doing here surrounded by reminders of things I have difficulty getting over.
EDIT: For refrence:
August 15 2006 – First kiss with Amanda, beginning of our relationship
February 2007 – First time I had sex
July 2008 – Moved out of my parent’s house