wanted

silent tear
slowly running down the crease below my eye
curving around the tip of my nose
the damp spots on my pillow spread
cover the flannel until i fall asleep
will i live forever like this
between me and us
holding forever those moments
life standing still before reality breathes

i breathe
caught in the space behind my lungs with my heart
i would settle choking on memory and emotion
just to see your eyes smile
even if it wasn’t for me
suffer my lonely nights to know you might be there
even if it wasn’t for me

i ache
devoid of an answer i can’t accept
something missing because im holding on too hard
i dont want to live this way
tissues and pillows and silent screams
i would play house if it didn’t hurt me
i would try harder if i wasn’t forcing you to feel something you dont

chalk against the green
soft uneven lines in fresh new curves
my tongue is thick with dust
there are no sounds but muffles
ragged shaking hiccups

to live without completeness
knowing you have had perfection
the simultanious wish it never exsisted
and holding onto it forever
freely given without regret but pangs of loss
its just not fair

how much harder it is to wake up to a day
knowing you cant have it back
do you seek someone else
or live in denial for what was
what should never have been
what should never have been let go

do you fight for something that is dying
some part of you is dying
drowning in someone else
wishing maybe if you died it would too
damp eyelashes every night of your life
wretching sobs into darkness
curled up alone just wondering
comfort worse than suffering
i cannot make them understand

ironic emptiness in old wounds
i should know better
but without pain no happiness
due punishment for wanting something that isnt mine
for wanting more than my share
but everyone deserves to wholness
is she really mine
was i wrong or am i meant for something else
does everything really happen for a reason
i desperately want to believe that

fix this
mend what ive broken but i cant
i would do anything to heal
i dont want to be alone
im more afraid than ive ever been

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