in a minute, minute, in a fucking minute…

It could almost be amusing that I don’t write for two weeks only to come up with three — in fact it could be four depending on how later tonight goes — entries in one day. 

Amanda just left for her East Asian Popular Cinema class. And broke up with me before she left, just after we sat down to eat macNcheese – a meal now forever ruined in my mind. Breakup is not a word she wants to use; it’s too harsh. She just wants to go back, to start over, to start back at ‘just friends’. 

It’s been a long time coming (that pun was intended). Our ‘relationship’ hasn’t been more than just a friendship with occassional kisses and hookups for a long time now. She says she doesn’t know where it stopped – or started I guess depending on if we’re talking about loss. I don’t know where we started to lose whatever we stopped having.

She sat on my couch in blue flannel pants with yellow reindeer that we bought for her whole family at Old Navy for Christmas, eating Kraft MacNCheese (made the watery way she likes it) from the white GotMilk? bowl that we bought at the Salvation Army sometime in August, beside the steamer trunk used as a coffee table that she surprised me with for the new apartment, beneath the gumdrop Christmas lights we got on sale at Target and hung in my living room, framed by the off color light cast from the hot pink lampshade I bought when we were in JobLot and told me she wants to go back to being just friends. Well really what she said was go back — prompting my question, back to where, for which she didn’t or couldn’t provide an answer. 

What the fuck does that even mean? I haven’t been happy with our relationship for a long time. I haven’t felt like she’s been doing her part – like she’s been trying at all. I have felt taken advantage of and used. Deciding that we revert back to whatever we were two and a half years ago last sunday is really just putting a name on what’s been happening for awhile now. She hasn’t looked at me the same way she used to, I don’t believe she finds me desirable anymore and I certainly don’t think that the occassional hookup that we’ve experienced is anything but a blip on the flatline our ‘relationship’ has become. You can’t just ‘go back’.

So she sat and cried, the girl who for the second time in two days cried for the first time in about a year, since exactly a year ago yesterday that I made her tell me herself that she’d cheated on me with Maura Clancy. And that year ago we reverted back to ‘just friends’ because my heart had been ripped out and I was close to the breaking point. After a year it still burns to think about it, how I felt betrayed and worthless. But she sat on my couch less than a half hour ago and told me that it’s gone (again?) – she wants it back, but its gone. 

And through none of it did I shed a single tear.

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2 responses to “in a minute, minute, in a fucking minute…

  1. I believe you and I just had a twin moment. I was reading your blogs trying to figure out what to say to this blog… and clicked back to mine and there u were leaving a comment haha.

    loved that.

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