i know you go on…

I remember why I enjoy going to therapy now – and how much I’ve missed Jen and her sound advice. A phone call from Amanda to let me know she’s home from class interrupted that thought, but that’s where it was headed anyway.

I am a damn good girlfriend. I made her cute bagged dinners, drove her to work, always had surprises up my sleeve and cared for her better than I’ve cared for myself in a long time. If she couldn’t see that then she doesn’t deserve to be with me. Jess was right, as much as perhaps I’d prefer not to admit that – if Amanda can’t get her act together, then I deserve to be with someone who can appreciate me and doesn’t take me for granted.

And so I’m going along with this starting over business even though it kills me to hang up the phone without saying those three little words. I feel incomplete without them, but I don’t say that to friends before they go to sleep. I might wish them sweet dreams and good night but nothing more — and she has to get used to that if this is the way that she wants it. In fact, I think this might be the way I want it to. She needs a taste of what it feels like to have me be unavailable.

That’s essentially what Em told me last night, that I should step back and let her miss me for awhile. I guess I thought perhaps it was a juvenile response but with Jen backing her up I think my sister really is on to something. It’s sort of disconcerting when your sister whose 14 has better life perspective than you do. But honestly, I’m tired of being the one constantly begging to see her. Jen even agrees with me – Amanda has got to spend more time on her relationship if she wants it to last. And that’s not something I can force, she has to choose that one on her own.

I mean yeah, obviously this is going to kill me but at least some kick ass poetry should come out of it. I think I’m going to send that letter that I wrote her the night that we fought so I can just get everything off my chest and she knows what my issues with our relationship are were. Christ I miss her so much already and I just don’t know what to do with myself but if I start doing more things for myself instead of for her I think I can be happy a little while she’s making up her mind.

And if it all turns out that she ends up with that twit Nicole or Tree (that one might force me to the edge) then it was supposed to happen that way. I don’t want her to be with me if she’s not really in love with me. I don’t want to be in a single sided relationship – I deserve better than that and I will have better than that. I will have the real thing, and no matter how much I love her, if she can’t love me back then I have to let her go.

And I did cry. For about an hour with Jen.

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