and i’m ready to aim…

I’ll start with yesterday. Alyssa and I hung out after I got lost going to her house which is in the west end of the city and a pretty scary place at 10 at night. After I nearly got myself shot, we went to Erin’s because her parents are out of town for the week and she had alcohol (figures). Short synopsis, Erin and I go way back to middle school when we used to dance together at the studio. We were good friends in highschool and she’s one of my three best friends but she went away to PA for college so I haven’t seen her much the past year. Erin is very straight, very white upper middle class, her mother’s a teacher, she’s got two cats but last night she was piss off her ass drunk.

So Alyssa and I go to get ice cream and head over there. I was hanging out with her for a few reasons, but I was dragging her to Erin’s because I had already told Alyssa we would hang out but I got a better offer from Erin and I played the Alyssa gig off as a pity thing to Erin to let me bring her along (it was only the 5 of us there, me, Erin, Eric, Sam and Alyssa). The thing is, although I felt bad that Alyssa doesn’t have a car, doesn’t really have a lot of friends, her job is sort of fucked up right now and she’s got relationship issues up the wazoo, I genuinely did want to check out her new apartment, and meet her crazy Russian speaking roommies. Got to say, I’m mad jealous of how big her apartment is compared to mine. The archeture is absolutely stunning and the vaulted ceilings make it all the more airy. It’s an old Victorian sort of like mine but the main entry is a spiral staircase sort of like what they would use as a New York Apartment in a very artsy movie.

Anyway, Alyssa also gets herself drunk but becasue I’m the DD, I didn’t drink a drop. It was a good night all in all, and I mean I think she had fun, aside from my own nervous akward tendencies but she’s got them too. So on the way taking her home, she asks me about how things with Amanda were. I lied to her.

I told her that Amanda and I were sort of taking a break and things were complicated and I thought we should see other people maybe. In truth, that’s the farthest from reality. I’m completely head over heels in love with my girlfriend, I wouldn’t dream of telling her she should branch out and date other people and yes, things are complicated but things are also really great for us right now. I know I lied to Alyssa because I don’t want her to think that things with Amanda are going well and it’s really very selfish of me. I thought a lot about the conversation we had last night, with her telling me that as long as I’m happy, that’s what counts, and me saying that it’s not quite happiness, it’s feeling safe and secure at the moment.

I think I just want to ask her straight out if we could ever work. And then if she asks me what I mean, I want to tell her that I like her, but I know she doesnt’ need ‘more complicated’ in her life and I’ve got that sticker slapped in the middle of my forehead. All she’s got to do is tell me that it would never work and I’ll put it to rest forever. It might be hard but that’s what she’s got to do, unless she says maybe in a different time or a different place we could work. I’m not sure how I would respond to that actually. The other alternative is her just flat out kissing me, which does have it’s advantages, the number one being that I’d immediately be able to tell on my end if it would work or not.

Honestly, I feel like Amanda doesn’t play any sort of role in this. I’m not looking to replace her, I’m not looking for someone to love. I don’t want to come home to Alyssa every night, I don’t want to belong to her. Those are all things that Amanda holds in my heart and in my life and that’s the way I want it. I have no fucking idea what I want with Alyssa but I want something obviously.

Completely switching gears now. I locked myself out of my room today in the apartment and Jerry was in Boston so it took 3 hours to get back in. I missed my doctor’s appointment, although I did call and let Robin know I’d have to reschedule and she had a good mocking laugh at me getting myself locked out. I felt like shit about it completely and eventually around 10 Amanda came and we too the air conditioner out of my window and she climbed up and into the room over my desk (albiet, after she had a good laugh and made fun of me as well).

We spent the next 5 hours cleaning/setting up my room. Finally all my clothes are put away, my round chair is assembled (it’s adorable, the round cushion one from Urban Outfitters that I got on sale but was a bitch to put together), my bed is made nice nice, my TV is all set, my drawers and my cloest are full, my desk is set up, my shoes and books are put where they go — I’m obviously very excited about it all. She was so good to me to spend her day doing that. And she offered, I didn’t even ask her to do it. She and Kristen and Nicole stopped by the apartment tonight after I got back from Starbucks. They think Ashley and Margie might want to rent the other two rooms on my floor for the year. We went to highschool with them so it might not be too bad. At least they’re clean. Not that that’s a dig at the Irish, because it’s really not, but we’ve been out of toilet paper for two days. Luckily I had some that I’ve been bringing with me to the bathroom but today I just caved and left it in there. I also stocked the fridge with left overs from work so I hope I’m bribing them to be neater.

Not getting up too early tomorrow since I’m pulling another double work day, 8 hours at the Heldpesk, 6 hours at Starbucks. My feet hurt just thinking about it. Might be a banger at my place Friday night while Amanda is away in VT for the family renunion — Bucci, Alyssa, Harry, Carlos, essentially the PC kids with Kayla and Erin invited too. I’m hoping to set up Kayla and Carlos. Bucci and Kaidon the boyfriend will hang, I’m not sure how it will all go. I need to just talk to Alyssa and straighten things out between us. Not sure if that pun was intended or not.

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