i know who i want to take me home…

I'm sitting here, being a bum, shoveling goldfish into my mouth, which are pretty good I've got to say but this is no way to live! Went to the final tennis match of the season today to cheer on Ayushi. She kicked some major ass I've got to say and I'm a little jealous she's as good as she is. I'm glad I went down to the courts to watch the match, it was very exciting and I can't wait to get out there later this week to play! I'm wicked pumped about it now.

Class today went well. The movie we saw was The Lives of Others which apparently won the 2006 Oscar for International Films. It's in German so it's all subtitled but it was a seriously fantastic movie. I completely recommend it for anyone who is very much into movies. I think the directing was superb. It wasn't overdone in my opinion at all.

Amanda and I took pictures today for my project. She took me downtown to the train tracks to get some pictures of graffiti for my anthropology project. We grabbed coffee and a bagel on my way back to class. It was a short excursion and I hadn't seen her in a few days so it was nice. I'm going to miss her so much when she starts this job. Which she basically has started but whatever.

She doesn't want to continue seeing the therapist I asked her to see since the cheating episode in February. She feels like she talked about what she needed to, that she got her feelings related to abuse under control and shit and its not like I don't believe her. Except maybe at this point it is. I told her I feel like there's something between us right now, not necessarily something bad but not something positive.

We just were on the phone for a bit but I can't force her to keep seeing Denise for my own benefit. I just feel like there needs to be someone else there, someone other than me keeping an eye on her. It's not my job and I know that I can't worry about her all the time, that I shouldn't, that she doesn't have to tell me everything and that there are things I don't know. It's just that before the things I didn't know, I never thought they could hurt me. And then they did.

So I guess since her seeing Denise was really my only ultimatum concerning the two of us getting back together, maybe I feel like I'm surrendering or giving in? I'm sort of wishing that I hadn't slept through my own appointment with Jen this morning (at which point the sunshine coming in my window was phenomenal and there was no moving me out of bed) but I just want some perspective on this. I wanted her to feel good about going to counseling, I wanted her to get something out of it. But I guess I wanted some self-assurance too, which was a little selfish. I wanted someone other than me to be monitoring, analyzing what's going on in her life to see if there might be things amiss.

Now we've just got to wait and see I guess. I just don't want a repeat of the fall months. I don't think I could handle much of that at this point. Now I really have no motivation to finish my readings for this week. I started this entry in such a good mood too. Fuck relationships, seriously.

So I was surfing online, and I came upon this video. I really like it.


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