It's not like I mean to make her worry about me. We were on the phone for about an hour while she took her online quiz and I was absotively no help there. I feel like I'm just at this awkward place right now, between restless and needing to be left alone and desperate and needing to throw my arms around someone to keep myself from fading away. I'm feeling really not myself right now, and I can look at myself in the mirror and see that I'm inching closer and closer to depression. I didn't get out of bed until one this afternoon and its been quite a long time since I've managed that one. I did get some work done, just some light reading, but I'm such a procrastinator, I'm so easily distracted I wonder when things will ever settle down in my mind so that I can accomplish what I need to.
She just called me back 10 minutes after we got off the phone. She said she was worried about me and wanted to make sure I was really okay. It's nice to be worried about sometimes, rather than doing the worrying. I miss her and what I really need right now is to just cuddle into bed with her and prepare to face my week. I'm not particularly looking forward to doing that but I don't have that much of a choice it seems. She's starting her new job tomorrow afternoon so she's going to have even less time to come visit. I feel like such a child, whining about how I never get to see her and in fact she spoils me rotten the times I see her three times in two days, as per last weekend. Even this week, I saw her Thursday and Friday but now two days later I'm sick with missing her. It's not even the sex or anything physical. It's a pure presence thing. I feel like if she was just around more I would feel more stable in my mood.
I'm not sure about the whole Harry thing at this point. I felt so unlike myself tonight at work, like I was that girl in middle school, leading on poor Donald and not being able to stop myself. God I love Harry (and Don for that matter) to death but I'm just completely torn. I don't think I want anything serious with him beyond friendship but at the same time, I think it would be nice to cuddle together and watch a movie. I'm such a needy cuddle whore these days and I don't want to give him the wrong idea. Then again I'm not sure what the right idea I'm attempting to portray is. It's nice to think of myself as being attractive to other people, especially to guys since that was never really a reality as far as I saw my life. Being with Amanda I don't believe is settling, but at the same time, it's exciting to be seen as attractive by people. I'm only human.
I talked to her about getting someplace together for the summer in Providence. She was all for it, she having been the one to suggest it at Easter time, but Friday we were talking about it and she essentially told me that it would be a nice thought but that we should wait. I hate it when reality sets in but it's honestly the truth. It wouldn't work for us right now, it would get too complicated, and then she'd have to move back home in the fall and I would be desperate to stay and not move back in for school. And then at the same time, this completely fucks over my summer plans. Now I'm either going to live at home which is the absolute last option in my book, or move in with Harry and the guys for the summer, which in and of itself would not only pose a problem in lying to my parents but potentially a moral one as well depending on how the Harry thing goes as a whole for the rest of the year and how much I fuck with him (I'm still trying to decide if it's intentional or not and if it's malicious or not).
Back to the whole Amanda thing, her qualms are stated in that she's not really able to afford to get a place. As much as I know that's true, part of me wonders if she's just having second thoughts about us living together for a few weeks. Personally, that's all I want, to fall asleep with her beside me and know that she's going to be there when I wake up. I'm sick to death of counting down the minutes until one of us has to leave, typically her, and I know that if I live at home this summer there won't be a place for us to hang out. Of course we can go to her house for a few hours, but it's not the same if I can't invite her back for a movie or something. I have this sickening feeling in my gut that I will end up being a guest in my own house again this summer.
All things to think about when I see Jen on Tuesday. I'm not looking forward to this week as a whole. In general, I'd rather just curl up under the covers with Amanda and sleep this week away.