chocolate bunny


it's two oclock in the morning right now
i just finished my book
im sitting here thinking about it
and i dont know what im feeling
i need you here to put your arms around me
i need you to tell me that choosing to live is bravest thing
i just need your arms to keep me strong
and the sound and feel of your breathing against my skin to remind me that im alive
i need you to remind me that im alive
inside i feel hollow almost as if i were an empty chocolate bunny
i feel like someone ate one of my ears off, and found out i was hollow after biting into me
it hurts, the hollowness hurts
like its radiating out of my soul but it never reaches my mind
my mind is completely blank
i always have a hundred things im thinking about
worrying about, trying to remember
right now all im focused on is you
because the emptiness is scaring me
i feel like if i let go of the breath im holding, this tidal wave of anguish will fill the hollow void in my body
maybe in my soul
i never believed that death was the answer
i always thought it was just the easy choice
because dying ends it all
but right now, this is death
death is a void of feelings, the good with the bad
right at this moment i feel nothing
im not quite sure i even feel existence
i dont feel alive, because life is optimistic
alive has hope
right now my soul has no hope
and i feel like maybe if u were here with me
if you held me tight enough
i might be able to feel your arms
and this hold on my heart might not be so crushing
and feeling might not hurt so badly
tears might not burn like they do
everynight i go to sleep with your ghostly arms around me
and i try to feel them
almost convincing myself i can some nights
and believing with all my heart that when i do feel them
somehow its all okay
that there still is feeling inside this emptiness
that these tears will someday fall from my eyes
and i can heal this pain
this pain i dont understand
that sometimes feels like the world's pain
because hurting for other people is what i do
maybe if i could hold all of their pain, mine wouldnt hurt so badly
but it still hurts from within
and i can't escape it
i cant bury it
i cant burn it
i cant even cry it away even though ive tried
i cant pretend it doesnt exist, that it doesnt hurt
i dont even know what it is
but it hurts
it hurts to breathe, it hurts to live, it hurts to exist
it hurts to be alone
even when im not alone
but most of all it hurts to need
it hurts to need to fill this void
it hurts to cry
it hurts to admit that sometimes i would choose to die
its scary
im scared to say that this is what i imagine death feels like
either you are completely and utterly alone
or there are people who care about and love you, but there is no way for them to be there
i dont want to die alone
i dont want to live alone
thats what im afraid of
im most afraid of dying without someone there
im more afraid of existing alone
im afraid of being unlovable
i dont want to be alone
come sleep with me
just breathe on my skin
and hold me tightly
and make me believe im alive
that i cant die alone


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