please don’t walk away…

Been rocking out to some RedJumpsuit since I didn’t get to go to their concert a few weeks ago. I dunno what’s with me lately. I feel just blegh. Thanksgiving was nice I guess. I’m at home but I don’t really want to be here. I don’t really want to be anywhere in fact and it’s killing me.

I’d like to not get out of bed for a few days perhaps. I can’t really figure it out. I’ve been talking to Dr Aspel at school and she’s really great and everything, but honestly if I’m in a great mood when I go to see her, which is the way it tends to be, what the hell is there to talk about? I saw her on Tuesday and I was in a fantastic mood that day. Monday had been a really good day as well. I took Amanda out to dinner that night at Cuban Revolution on her dinner break for an hour or so. I took the bus so it was sort of cold going back but it was really worth the smile on her face.

Last week was a bad week, I’ll admit it. Seeing Amanda was the escape but I don’t want her to be my escape. I want her to be my coping, to be my sunshine day to day and not just my rainbow. We talked about it and I think we’re on the same page and taking it a day at a time.

She came to see me on Tuesday again. It was really great and we basically hung out all day (for more than 10 hours! o.O) We went out to dinner after some really great (if not the best, although perhaps I’ve said this before :p) sex and cuddling. My limbs have never felt like lead before, odd and yet pleasurable experience I highly recommend.

Anyways, Jess and I talked things out a bit. I tend to push people away when I’m depressed and just want to be left alone. I know that’s what’s going on with me right now. Dr. Aspel knows that’s what’s going on with me right now. I hate feeling like this – just this eternal emptiness and nothingness.

I have a presentation due on Wednesday of this week. I didn’t go to work today and got Maya to cover my 8hr shift so I could go to the library for a few hours and do research. I was pretty good and actually did some research, took out a few books and everything, but then Amanda and Whit and I had dinner before I came home. I’ve just been hanging out ever since (which was about 3 hours ago) and I still haven’t actually started the presentation on St Augustine. I’m working 10 hours tomorrow and I have class and work on Monday as well. God only knows when it’s going to get finished.

I just hate this, I honestly do. I hate school work, I hate being at home. I don’t know what I’m going to do over Christmas break being in this house. It’s pretty pathetic but when I’m not at school there is no place to go.

Yesterday wasn’t a great day either. I’ve been feeling off all the time. I got up and got coffee before going over to Erin’s to gab for a few hours. Basically we covered some bases but we didn’t talk for nearly long enough before I drove into Providence to take Amanda to lunch on her break. I ended up seeing her for only 20 minutes because she had to go set up for the next preview. I hung around AS220 for an hour and wrote some poetry before I went to pick up Erin to bring to the show.

I picked up Erin to see Amanda’s 5pm showing of A Christmas Carol at Trinity. She did a great job and the show was pretty good. Predictable since I’ve seen it every year since I was 5, but good nonetheless. Afterwards I drove Erin home and then Amanda called and was like let’s do dinner. So we had dinner and then wasted a few hours trying to come up with someplace to go. I ended up driving to her house to watch a movie before her parents got home only to pull in her drive way and have to turn around and go home because they were on their way home.

I swear, if I’m not in school, there is no place for us to go. Without my dorm, we’re just like being in high school again. It’s the winter so we can’t go outside and sit somewhere. There isn’t even just a place to sit and talk. We went to Reflections last night for awhile but the guys in there were obnoxious and it just all around sucked.

I don’t know anymore. I’m feeling trapped in my life. Everything happy is revolving around Amanda. I just realized it while writing this and I don’t think that’s healthy. Maybe it’s not only revolving around her but it sure as hell feels like it. Why am I feeling trapped like this right now? I just want to get out, get away for awhile. I’m feeling the very sudden urge to scream.


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