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There is a bottle of vodka in my freezer. Right now all I want is to down it all. I don’t want to exist. This hurts too much. I’m just numb, I can’t feel myself anymore. Every emotion in my body is gone except for disgust and loathing. And I’m not that person to drink away my pain but right now I wish I believed it would fix this.

Sunday, her 18th birthday, I raped her and I didn’t even know it. I knew there was something wrong at the time but I didn’t know what it was. She never said no, she never told me she didn’t want to. But tonight, I’m still on the phone with her and both of us are silent, tonight she told me she didn’t want to. And all I can say is I’m sorry and cry hysterically.

I promised her I’d never hurt her and I broke that promise without even knowing. Maybe she did say no somewhere in her demeanor but I never saw it. I hurt her on my own bed, in my own room, on what was supposed to be the most romantic night.

I’m a monster. And she keeps telling me that its ok, that she forgives me, that I didn’t know. But how can I live with this? How can I ever forgive myself for being like him – for being the monster that he was? I feel dirty and worthless. I’m sorries over and over again can’t take back what I’ve done. What have I done?

I hurt one of the two people I truly love. She says she still loves me? Why? I can’t even love myself right now. I can’t want to exist, I can’t even want to be loved. This hurts, this hurts more than anything has ever hurt before. It feels like my heart has been ripped in two, but I’m the one who broke it.

I’m famous for being sorry for things I can’t control, for things that aren’t my fault. Nope, this one is all you Brie.

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