Last night I finally caved and basically called my mother in tears after Amanda dropped me back off at my dorm. She and her sister went to Walmart and were buying spray paint which she couldn’t buy legally because she’s not 18 until the 28th. I felt a little used but I was happy to see her and I didn’t even care that Ash was there with us. We went to Reflections to get dinner after that but her dad called her like a bazillion times while we were there so she had to quickly drop me back off at school and book it home before she got her ass whipped.
Basically I got back to my dorm and burst into tears. I have felt like shit all week and I just couldn’t take it at that point. As weak as it makes me feel to say, I need someone there to take care of me. I need that in my life sometimes as independent as I’d like to think I am. I like people to be there for me. Amanda couldn’t take care of me, Andrena was going home and like, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was completely miserable and I just stopped functioning. I called her around 10 in near hysterics begging her to come get me so I could stay two nights at home. I felt awful, I looked awful, I was a piece of shit when she picked me up.
I felt really bad for making Andrena worry about me, and Amanda too for that matter. I can be such a lousy friend sometimes to the both of them. All I do is whine and bitch sometimes and I’m so needy. I’m like relationally needy – I always need to be entertained or pleased or appeased or something it feels like. I hope I’m not really that person. I hate people like that.
Oh well, nonetheless, here I am at home. It feels so weird, because I feel a bit like I’m a guest in my own house. I went to work for 5 hours today which wasn’t too bad. I was totally ready to come home though afterwards. I apparently had like $10 they owed me in past tips so that was pretty sweet. I’m working an 8 hour tomorrow which won’t be too much fun. But I should get to see all sorts of customers and just be with everyone. I like the atmosphere there and I’m going to talk to my boss about when I can work during the week. I wish I didn’t have to pick up hours, but I really do have to. Sucks ass though I’ve got to say. Completely sucks ass.
Amanda is supposed to stay over tomorrow night but it doesn’t look like it’s going to work out. I hate life sometimes for being so complicated. I just feel like the two of us never get cut a break. There is never that moment where some higher power just lets things go our way. I feel like every power is against the two of us getting to be together for any sort of private extended period of time. I just want to fall asleep to the sound of her heartbeat and wake up with her in my arms. I don’t honestly think that’s asking very much.
Then again, maybe it is.