And baby I’m falling apart. Tears just keep streaming down my face and my body is shaking and I just wish I had the answers to make it right. I wish I had the answers to tell myself that living right now is the best thing I can do for us, the best thing I can do for me. I can lie in the bed for days but it’s not my bed. I don’t want my house but I want my bed and the security I found hiding under those sheets for so long, crying into the pillows, my pillows, on my bed, on nights when there weren’t any words left.
I wish they hadn’t taken my summer from me. I wish I had spent those nights with her and those days just driving for the hell of it and just taking in how beautiful life can be. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard for so little and I wish I had learned sooner what was really important to me. I wish I had smiled a little more often and I wish I had cared just a little less what I meant to them. I wish I had meant a little more to them.
I can’t lie and say that I miss them. I can’t lie and say that not seeing them isn’t the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t miss them, I don’t want to see them. I want my dogs, I want Hugs and I want to see Kisses even though she’s dead. I want her to be better and for the two of them to come and sleep with me and just lick my tears. I just want to bury my face in their fur and have them forgive me for anything. I want someone to always love me. I want my sister to be my best friend, the best friend that I can see any time I like.
I want to spend time with the people who care about me. I want her to take care of me. I want her to come and tuck me into bed at night. I want her to whisper in my ear that it’s going to be okay and I want to believe her. I want to be able to afford a phone and a new pair of jeans and a cheese burger. I want life to stop being about the money. I want to not worry about my future and I want to live for today. I don’t want to be afraid of what people think and I don’t want to be controlled by their fears. I don’t want to become my mother and I don’t want to be unhappy. I don’t want to die.
I wish I didn’t want to die.
I just want to be loved.