It was a bad night.
Amanda called me at dinner and we chatted a bit. She was heading to the library and to run errands after class before she went home. After I hung up with her I called her back and was like look, do you wanna grab something to eat? She said she'd love to but it wouldn't work tonight. I understood and I still do understand – I told her I was just looking for an excuse to see her. It got sort of awkward there when Kayla was on the other line so I asked if I could call her back. She was like yeah and hung up.
Jade apparently slept not only with Cory but with Matt, Kayla's Matt. That was the info of the evening. If Kayla doesnt kill the whore I'm going to. So she was a wreck and I went up to her dad's house to see her (1 exit away from Amanda).
I called on my way and since she didn't pick up I let her know I was going to see Kayla, that if she saw me out driving I wasn't stalking her or anything, I really just happened to be in the neighborhood. When I got to Kay's, we just hung around my car for a bit outside under the street light, me Kay and Joe (who is shy and said nothing the whole time so he's rather unimportant).
Her dad calls maybe 15 after I get there and demands she go a street over and come home. So she had to go around ten of 10. I call Amanda, still sitting on the hood of my car parked in the street under the street light. We talked for 1 min & 20seconds in total. When I call her she picks up and asks if she can call me right back. I say yes. She calls back 2 minutes later and is like, can I just call you tomorrow? I told her sure and asked if everything was alright. She didn't sound good to me but she said she was fine and I think she was lying. I said I loved her and hung up.
I then proceeded to lay back and bawl for a good ten minutes. I then cried the 45 minutes it takes to drive thu providence back to EP to cresent where I again sat on my roof and cried until around 11.
After I got off the phone with her as I looked up at the stars on that street I realized that there was no one for me to call. There was no one to ask to meet me to cry with, no one to hold me tight, no one to tell me that I didn't have to go home tonight, no one to offer me a place to stay and no one to wipe away my tears and hand me a tissue. There is no one to kiss me goodnight in bed, there is no one to wake up with. Amanda might be mine, but not really, not when I need her.
Maybe she's afraid of me really needing her. Maybe she's finally realized how much I actually need her and she's scared – hell I'm scared that I need her this much right now. I was telling her earlier how spoiled I was to see her everyday all this year. There were hardly 3 days in a row we didn't see eachother. Now I can hardly even call her. I certainly can't see her. I can only listen to her voicemails over and over again and try to believe with all my might she means all the things I do when she tells me that she loves me.
I thought a lot about death on my hood tonight. Dying is the easy part really. I'm not afraid to die. When you're dead, it's over. It's like falling asleep. Eventually it happens and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm afraid of what happens after you die.
I don't want to give them the satistfaction of knowing they pushed me to my limits and I couldn't take it. I won't let them have that control over my life. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die either. And so I just have this halfway exsistence right now, me and the endless stars out there. We just exist.
Eventually the bugs started to get to me and I knew I had to be home before 11.30 or my mother would freak out on me. I just wished that I could get pulled over and that the officer who saw me crying like that would ask what was wrong. That way I could ask him not to send me home – to send me anyplace but there, to tell me that I didn't have to come back here if I didn't want to. I want someone to tell me that I can just become someone else, that I can leave all of this behind because it's not really part of who I'm going to be in the future.
I just want to love her. And I just want her to love me in return.