Dancing through life…

I'm currently listening to a list of things Kayla may and may not bring to college. She rescued me tonight and I'm staying at her place. I could barely stand to go to work today. I can't take that family anymore. I just really can't.

I woke up this morning and it started before I even went to work. My dad proceeded to call me a selfish bitch and Amanda was a fucking beast. I tried to tell him I hadn't even talked to her but he wouldn't hear it. They took my computer, I can't even get online to do the college crap that I have to. Mary isn't back from vacation till Friday so I'm seeing her at 10 but what good is that even going to do me?

Kayla and I were supposed to go out and basically get smashed tonight, plans which were impeeded by the lack of parties being held on a Monday night. It so figures. So we went to Denny's around 1 and just bummed around for a bit. Oh, there's a new journal layout, but that was there for the last few days so you probably already knew that.

I logged onto facebook and again, she's basically deleted me, and I hate it. I can't take the way she treats me sometimes. Everything I think about is how things are effecting her, how I'm hurting her, and she can only think of how she feels.

Yesterday
Amanda is single again because she cannot take what it does to her and her relationship with everyone else around her. 10:29pm

I can't help but feel awful and sick to read that. She can't take what being in a relationship with me does to her? God, how awful does that make me feel? Because:

July 19
Amanda is blonde. waiting for harry potter. and in love. (mad obvi) and loves EP cops. <3. 11:12pm

What happened to us? Kayla just says that maybe it's time to lay off, to just let it go, to let her go. And just thinking about doing that makes me want to be sick, makes me die a little inside. Why do I have to give her up when I want to be with her so much? Why does it feel like the whole world is against us being together? God I wish I understood this, I wish she was reading this, I wish she knew how I felt and she knew this wasn't my fault. I wish I really believed this wasn't somehow my fault.

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