or is it too little, too late

Why is it than when it's high, it's very high.
And when it's low, it's very very very low.

this is just pasted from the log, i hope you can read it.

9:30 PM amanda: we neeed to talk right now
please please please
now please
brie brie brie
its now or never
9:34 PM we need to tallllkkkkkkkk
9:37 PM please
9:38 PM please

8 minutes

9:46 PM me: hi
amanda: not hi
me: darcy and elizabeth were about to have hot passionate sex, this had better be good 😛
not hi?
whats up?
amanda: i will love you foreve, remember tat
me: whats up?
9:47 PM amanda: the end of my life
me: more specifically
amanda: the never want to seeyou again and want to take a restraining order against you
9:48 PM me: wait ur parents?
amanda: thats just the begining
me: amanda what are u talking about?
amanda: how royaly fucked over i am
me: hun what happened?
9:49 PM amanda: how they know you stayed until this afternoon
and that you stayed here by yourself
me: i was only there till 11
amanda: and how i have a hicky that my mother threatened to burn off
and how im no longer their child
they took my car
my kes
my phone
9:50 PM my cash
my checks
me: amanda omg im so sorry its all my fault
amanda: how im not allowed to go out
or go to work
me: amanda, i dont understand what happeneed?
9:51 PM i mean, i kno i shouldnt have stayed but this is crayz are they serious? i dont understand whats happening here
amanda: how i lied to them
and how you lied to me
9:52 PM and how they dont trust me
me: how did i lie to u?
amanda: how i mind as well be dead to them
me: and what did u lie to t hem about?
amanda: i told them that the reason you were staying over was because you were picing up emma
me: oh
amanda: clearly that was not the case
how you used my shower
me: no it wasnt
ack im sorry
how did they know about that?
9:53 PM amanda: i also told them that your mother knew you were staying over my house
i guess ashley retaliated and told them
me: er, well not ur house exaclty
amanda: how im not allowed to talk to her
me: to ash?
amanda: they then threatened to call your parents
to ash
9:54 PM they dont ever want to see you again
i cant even go outside
they wont let me leave my room
me: amanda im so sorry
amanda: i have no phone numbers to call anyone
i have no cash to take off with
me: migod im sorry amanda i didnt kno
9:55 PM amanda: i cant even go to work
i just really want to die right about now
9:56 PM me: what can i do? anything, ill do anything to help you. amanda im so sorry
amanda: theres nothing to do
i dont know what to do
me: are they serious? like i cant believe it, i mean, i dunno, i just, idont even kno what to say
9:57 PM amanda: i have a bunch of stuff that needs to go places
me: amanda im shaking. i swear if i knew they were gonna be that mad id have just left last night. oh god im so sorry
amanda: i dont know what to do with myself
9:58 PM me: mayb itll blow over in the morning. mayb theyre just having a real bad night
amanda: they dont know why i have to flaunt that im gay
me: u arent flaunting
amanda: oh yes i am
me: ur comfortable with urself theres nothing wrong with that
amanda: clearly i am
9:59 PM yes there is
i should be completly unhappy
me: what is wrong with that?
amanda: i dont know, ask them
10:00 PM me: amanda there is nothing wrong with that. god, if uve taught me anythign its that being urself and being happy with that is the greatest thing ucan ever do to make urself happy
amanda: but it doesnt make them happy
me: letting urself be happy is the key to it. and u do
amanda: thats my job
me: but its not about them its about u
10:01 PM amanda: no its about them
me: i just i dont understand. theyre putting u under house arrest bc of me? they cant do that to u
amanda: yes
me: for what, bc i stayed over?
amanda: yep
10:02 PM me: thats not fair. its not right. if ur mom wanted me to leave she should have told me so. can i talk to her, try to explain the situation. i think its all just a big misunderstanding
10:03 PM let them punish me by not seeng u then if thats the way she wants it. its not right to take it all out on u like this
amanda im so sorry
amanda: its my lies
me: what lies?
amanda: my lies
10:04 PM me: so u told tehm i was picking up em. thtas not that big of a lie. i mean i kno its wrong but u did think i was picking her up
amanda: i did
me: and my mother did know i was out and i was allowed to be out
amanda: at my house though?
me: er no. not that part
amanda: that is being considered a lie
me: so thas a single lie
10:05 PM albeit a lie just the same but there are worse things to lie about
amanda: they all add up
10:06 PM me: amanda what else did u lie about?
amanda: my life is a lie
me: ur life is not a lie
amanda: yes it is
i dont even know who my father is
me: amanda no its not. dont say that
10:07 PM neither do i
amanda: ive been lied to since i can remember
me: we dont lie to eachother
amanda: i know that
10:08 PM i cant handle being rejected by the people who are supposed to be my family
all of them
10:09 PM i do i hate them all
me: amanda they love you. i kno they do. they arent rejecting u they just dont understand sometimes. they do love you. ash loves you. and pam and mary love you and ur mom lvoes you too bc if she dint she wouldnt be doing this. she doesnt do a good job of showing she does
and i love you
and ur firends love you
10:10 PM amanda: fuck my friends
fuck my family
me: no whitney loves you
amanda: fuck her
me: amanda do nt say that
amanda: why not
nothing is ever going to change
me: bc she does care about u
yes it is. please believe me it is.
10:11 PM bc if its not then none of us have anything to live for
u have to believe that it is
amanda: what do i have to live for? the constant rejection of everyone around me?
my fucking mother cant stand me
10:12 PM she never has
me: we arent rejecting u
amanda: i heard her talking the other day on the phone about how glad she was ashley was planned and how much of a burden i was when she was pregnant
me: amanda she does love u somehow, somewhere in her own way
10:13 PM i dont think shes right tho
amanda: how she wanted to wait and she should have given me up
all this on the phone
me: amanda she didnt mean that. she couldnt mean that
amanda: she said it
me: everybody says thigns they dont mean sometimes
amanda: she sounded pretty sure
me: and even fi she is rejecting u amanda there is a world of people who love you
10:14 PM who want u to be around
amanda: name 10 people who really really give a shit
10:15 PM me: me, whitney, kim, pam, mary, kayla, jason, kitch, ashley, brooklyn/pearl
10:16 PM kaitlyn, brenna
amanda: that dont really care
you, you care as far as i know
the rest can really fuck themselves at this point
me: amanda they care. i care
10:17 PM amanda: i knowyou do
and i love you, you know that
i just dont want to deal with the world
i cant stand my sister
10:18 PM me: i know u do. ur just really scaring me right now and im crying and u have to believe me when i tell u that we love you
amanda: my fucking evil step sister
me: and sisters so hateful things and i dont know why she did it but she did
amanda: and im fucked over because of that
10:19 PM me: amanda im so sorry
i dont think she knew what she was doing
amanda: she did
me: that it was going to be this bad
why would she want to hurt u like that amanda?
what does she have to gain from that>
10:20 PM amanda: because she was pissed at me
and pmsing and overtired
shes her fathers daughter
10:21 PM me: amanda im so sorry. i want to fix this i dontknow how. ples dont do anything stupid please calm down
amanda: im not going to do anything stupid
10:22 PM me: promise me u wont
amanda: i dont want anything to do with them
i promise
me: thank u
amanda: now is this anything permanent stupid or just stupid in general
bcause im not planning on killing myself
10:23 PM me: anythig stupid
amanda: i wouldnt give them the benefit of having pushed me
you mean i cant sleep upside down
because thats pretty stupid
me: hey i like sleeping at the foot of my bed sometimes
10:24 PM amanda: i just dont wanna live here anymore
i just dont have anywere to go
or have any money
they fucking took my cash
like fucking toooookkk it from me
and my checks
me: i know hun
amanda: i have no access to my own money
they could keep it forever
10:25 PM i have no access to it at all
me: they wont do that
they have to give it back to u
amanda: yes they will
no they wont
me: they cant just keep u lovked up forever
amanda: they will
me: she hsa to let u go to work
amanda: no she wont
just to fuck me over
me: she has to or ull lose ur job
amanda: i know
thats what she wants
10:26 PM me: but why?
amanda: can you send me that picture of me atthe post office
so she can see that i did gothere
me: amanda if shes rejecting u then she would just want to be rid of u
amanda: no she wouldnt
this family knows how to make people suffer
please email me the pic when you get a chance
she doesnt believe i went and did my shit
me: ill get it right now
10:27 PM amanda: sorry about this
me: this is my fault for insisting on staying over last night.
amanda: i let you tho
me: i knew it was wrong but i wanted to anywasy
bc it wasnt me who would have to face the consequences
and im sorry amanda im so sorry
10:28 PM amanda: i am too
10:29 PM me: i wish i knwe how to fix it all
amanda: me too
there isnt a way tho
such is life
i guess
10:30 PM me: no its not. there has to be a way and ill find it and i wont let them do thsi to u and even if it takes time it will all be ok
10:31 PM amanda: how much time tho
my fucking life wassting away
sitting here doing nothing with my life
missing out on everything
me: they cant keep u there
amanda: yes they can
and they will
i cant go to school
so i cant go out then
me: they can ground u but they have to let u work
amanda: iii cant go to work
10:32 PM so i cant go out then
she isnt letting me
im honestly telling you this
me: so what is she going to teach u by locking u inur room?
she needs u to cook dinner. and to clean
and do laundry
amanda: thats about it
me: and take ash places
amanda: she wont let me
me: what about the recital?
amanda: evr
10:33 PM shes only letting me do that because it effects her “good daughter”
me: amanda thats not true
amanda: oh yes it is
me: there is no good daughter
amanda: ashley is the one
in this house there is
me: mk
10:37 PM amanda: i fucking wish this was over
me: what was over?
amanda: there is glass everywhere now
i hate my fucking life
me: what happened?
amanda: she needed my phone charger
so i tossed it and it hit some pictures on my speaker
10:38 PM and she broke them
so now theres glass everwhere
me: oh babes
10:39 PM im sending the pictures now
10:40 PM amanda: ok
me: i just dont know what to say
10:41 PM amanda: my life is back to being shit
i could say that
so um
you have a big slash across your face now
and im missing my shoulder
me: in the picture?
10:42 PM amanda: the picture itself
10:43 PM its all scratched and shit
me: oh hun m sorry
whcih one?
btw those pix loaded and sent
amanda: on what?
me: gmail
10:44 PM amanda: ok
thank you
me: lemme kno if u wanted others
i thought those were the ones u wanted im nto sure tho
amanda: nice
10:45 PM the naked one
10:46 PM i love you, you know that
i do i do i do
me: i know you do
i love u so much
u cant even imagine sometimes i dont think
10:47 PM bc sometimes i cant believe i can love someone that much
amanda: way to make me cry somemore
10:49 PM me: oh god im sorry
please odnt cry
not without me there to hold u
no crying
amanda: ive been crying since i got homw
10:50 PM its not your fault
me: but god i feel like it is
10:51 PM if only i had left
but i had such a good time that i feel torn between the choices in retrospect
10:52 PM bc today was perfect. and last night was perfect. and i feel like shit that this is the consequence for feeling like that. for just being that happy
amanda: im right there with uoi
10:53 PM no worries though
im listening to dar willias
its like being 13 again
me: no its not. its different. ur a different perosn now than u were tehn
10:54 PM ur a stronger person who knows herself now. and u know wht u want and whats important to u and wehre ur gonna go
amanda: do i?
me: and u arent going to let them get to u bc they arent worth it fi they reject u. they dont deserve u if they cant see ur worth loving
bc u are worth loving
10:55 PM bc ur amanda and u never have to be anybody else
10:56 PM amanda: ❤
(as more crying ensues)
me: im a mess myself
10:57 PM amanda: dont be
you have nothing to be upsetabout
10:58 PM me: i have everything to be upset about. ur miserable, im partly at fault and there isnothing i can do about it
10:59 PM amanda: i just dont know what to do with myself
11:01 PM ive given up
me: never give up
11:02 PM amanda: i have tho completly
its redicilous
me: there is always something to hope for. always something to live for
plx dont give up
if u give up it means they win
11:05 PM amanda: thats what they do best
me: they ownt win forever
11:06 PM amanda: i think im just going to go to bed
me: ok, just sleep on it
in the morning things will look different
amanda: no tthey wont
11:07 PM me: sleep tight love. tomorrow is a new day
i love you
so much
amanda: theyll still look like old dish water
me: never forget that
amanda: i love you more
you never forget that
me: never more than right now
amanda: ill love your for forever
me: ditto

im crying again
11:08 PM amanda: dont please
me: just stay safe ok? and remember ur promises and that we all love u and that u are worth it
amanda: im not going to do anything stupid
11:09 PM i made a promise and intend to keep it
me: i know, im saying it to make myself feel better
uve never broken a promise to me, i kno that
i would never ask u to make one i didnt know u could keep
11:10 PM goodnight love
amanda: goodnight my love
i love you
me: i love you
amanda: i still love you more
: p
me: ❤
amanda: ❤ ❤ ❤
11:11 PM ill come on about 11 tomorrow?
me: yes
amanda: or earlier+
me: ill try my hardest i promise
make a wish 11.11
11:12 PM amanda: done
me: done
go to bed now chica
im tucking u in from here
amanda: i am
hello blankie
me: kiss kiss
amanda: Kiss
me: blankie says he loves you
amanda: i love you both
11:13 PM me: you bed sleep now
amanda: ok
me: take lucy to keep u company
amanda: i love you
i iwll
me: i love you
amanda: i love you too
ciao bella

me: ciao bellisima

I'm going to be sick.


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