In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you…

A contented sigh preceeded this entry. I think despite all the things going on right now, I'm happy.

Vacation wasn't fantastic but I made the best of it. My mother is still out of work so both my parents are home 24/7 which isn't so bad when I can be gone during the day at school and sundays at work, but spending a week with them I was sure was going to make me crazy as all hell. In the end though, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. For the most part they were amiable and there were not any outright attacks at me which is positive.

Exams went off without a hitch. As far as I know now, the standings are:

AP Stats: A-
AP Psych: B+
H Lit: B+
H Physics: TBD
Christian Lifestyles: A+
H Calculus: A+ (BLOODY FUCKING HELL! I wish I could have seen the look on that crone's face when she had to give me a 101. She can stick it up her ass if you ask me, but HAH!)
All in all a nice spread, although I'm admittedly disappointed in the Lit. I was hoping for an A in that one. But an 88 isn't bad so I've really got nothing to complain about.

Christmas was a huge work load as usual but it was pretty nice to see all the family. My great-aunt Alice died the day before Christmas Eve so there was a lot of sadness from that side of the family. As tradition states we all trucked it over to Nana's for Christmas Eve but we were more low key than usual. My cousin Jon didn't come so that was mildly upsetting but in hindsight it was probably better that he didn't all things considered. I did text him later that night and told him we'd missed him and he apologized. Haven't talked to him since so let's hope things between us have settled down for the time being.

Went to midnight mass with Em and the parents. We were the first ones there so we sat right in the front where those seeking forgiveness usually sit. You know who I mean, the people who only go on Christmas, only becaue they have to and they make a huge show of it and want people to murmur about how utterly devout they are. Basically they're atoning for their sins and expecting the whole congregation to clap in approval. It makes me mildly nasuous. But whatever, the carols and mass was lovely, although lets hold the insence next time guys, huh? You were killing me.

Went home, wrapped presents and went to bed. No one even got up before 9 so it was uncommon for us. Opened presents after Nan and Papa came over. Got my ipod, camera and DDR. I was hoping for more money from relatives but I suppose that useless hats and more pairs of felt gloves than a girl knows what to do with is inevitable. Jack and Sasha came over around 3 and we had lasagna and pie. It was very homey. Next year it's all going to be different I think when I'm away at school.

I went out with Aly the night after. We had dinner at Fridays and gabbed for a few hours, catching up on everything. It was great to see her again and I hope we can do that more often. It's so hard to see her since we don't go to school together and her work schedule is so busy. But we're hoping to try so it's in the works and thats what matters.

Donald and I went out to dinner and a movie on that thursday night. The whole affair was sort of awkward, especially with Amanda texting me the whole time. I had a great time with Donald, and I hope he did too, but I thought she was okay with the whole thing. It's not like we were out on a date. I've got a girlfriend and I've told him before I'm not interested in him like that. We went Dutch on dinner and I paid for the movie with the free passes I'd gotten from Nan.

For the second half of dinner and throughout the movie she apparently was on the phone with Mikayla who was telling me how upset Amanda was that I was out with Donald.

I left Amanda a voicemail in the car before I went to meet Donald at 6.30, letting her know I was going out but if she needed me, she could call.
6.29 Amanda: kid you should come over
6.30 Amanda: the both of you
I answered when she called me sometime after this and we talked briefly.
6.48 Mikayla: i'm representing motta…amanda that is…and i'm saying that she doesn't care…you can fuck donalds brains out. she thinks its about over. ps i dont think youre a lesbian
7.15 Me: what's your problem mikayla?
7.42 Mikayla: are you still out with donald?
7.42 Me: I am
7.42 Mikayla: motta says youre going to have to talk with her. dont kill the messenger
7.44 Me: this is ridiculous! i'm not on a fucking date
7.44 Mikayla: okay. thats just what she said
8.18 Mikayla: Motta seriously wants me to ask you “can you bring me home a piece of chocolate cake? for real. shes saying this stuff. dont like punch me in the head lol
8.30 Me: im in the movies. no cake
8.36 Mikayla: she wants to know what movie. after this last one, im telling her to be quiet before i beast her face in
9.55 Me: we saw the pursuit of happyness

And thus began my issue with Amanda over the holidays. I called her at like 10 when the movie got out and I was like what's going on? Apparently everyone had been on her that day about our relationship – her parents, her aunts, her sister (sort of), mikayla and her friends. They told her in essence that she was ignoring the people important to her. She was blowing off her friends and her sister. Her life wasn't headed in a positive direction and she needed to look at why that was.

I think I took it all in with shock. I said if she was unhappy then I wanted to do what was going to make her happy. If she decided she needed time to figure that out, I wanted to give it to her because I love her. I asked if she wanted to break up and she couldn't give me a straight answer. I told her I needed to get home but when I got there if she wanted to talk to me she could call. I cried for a few minutes after I hung up with her before I realized I needed to pull myself togther to drive home. So I blasted the stereo and rocked out and tried not to let it get to me for a little while.

She called me around 11 to talk. And we talked for a good hour and a half about everything that was going on in her life. From my end, the way my family shit is wasn't really helping our situation. My mother and I had a blow out just two nights before about not being allowed to go out with her and how my father felt threatened by the fact that she was a homosexual. I was so angry with them I couldn't begin to describe how I felt. They would not physcially allow me to go out with her, no matter how reasonable I was. I tried so hard to be the adult, to see their side and to approach them on equal grounds. Before I could get anywhere it was back to dictatorship and rules and being forbidden. As far as Amanda and I go, we are technically forbidden to see eachother (at least on my end) until sometime next week.

Amanda took this awfully. The situation with my parents isn't great to begin with since she knows they hate her and don't trust her. I can't tell them about us because of what I know is bound to happen and she hates that I have to lie to them. I wasn't going to tell them that I was going somewhere with her but she made me feel guilty about lying, so I told them the truth and thus the fight ensued. I know it comes across that I'm hiding her from them and really, it's the truth. It's not because I'm ashamed, but because I feel like i can't be free if they know. And I don't honestly think I will be free if they know. She is really bothered by the fact that I don't plan on telling them in the near future, which she denies but I know she's upset with me about it.

We basically left it that she needed to make decisions about what she wanted and sort out the confusion she was having. I told her I couldn't tell her that I thought they were all just dead wrong because they all really do have her best interest at heart (at least her aunt and mikayla). I told her I thought they were being unfair but maybe I wasn't the best for her, I wasn't sure. If they saw something I didn't I thought she at least owed it to herself to think about it, to consider what they said. We didn't really leave off in a good place that night admittedly and I felt very alone when I went to sleep that night.

She called me the next day and apologized for what happened. She said she had no idea why she was second guessing herself and how she felt awful about doing that to me. I told her there was really nothing to apologize for. I love her and I understand about being confused and not knowing what's going on, who is telling you the truth. I told her that we're all human and of course I forgive her.

We were going to go out for New Years since she was no longer grounded as of then. She was going to sneak me away from Kayla's and we were going to hang for a few hours before she returned me to the party. However, she ended up getting stuck babysitting so that fell through. I was bummed but we had a great time at Kayla's.

Alright, I have just about as much ground to still cover on this all but I'm beat and no one wants to read an entry that long. I'll write more tomorrow during on campus first period after I give Chabot my transcript fees so my records can be sent off. I need to finish up my Physics exam which I completely forgot about until I started this entry.

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