All I've ever wanted…

I wish I wasn't so confused. I wish I knew what I wanted. I'm having such a hard time holding everything together that I'm afraid it's all going to come unglued.

I don't want El. Well I do, but I don't want her at the expense of hurting Amanda. And I don't want her forever, maybe just once to get over the slight obession with her. But I can't feel for her like I feel for Amanda.

I decided last night I was going to break up with her. Because it's not fair to her for me to just hang around and be this emotioness lump one minute, snogging her brains out the next and crying hysterically afterwards. That's not the way to have a relationship.

So this morning I saw her and I remembered going to bed with that sentiment. And I realized how easy it would be to walk up to her and tell her it was all over. Just say “We're through.” and walk away. I could avoid her for a long time and not think about it. Rationalize, throw myself into my work and cry myself to sleep everynight. That I could do.

But then I realized that eventually, someday, I would have to see her, even if only for a second, even if only by accident. Eventually, someday I would see the look on her face when she saw me and I would die. I would not be able to hold myself togther because I would see the pain in her and the hurt and it would crush me. And at that instant, while she sat two people away from me on the floor in the senior hallway, I realized how much I really do love her.

And I was terrified. Terrified that I could ever have even imagined leaving her. Terrified that that's what it would do to me to know that I hurt her that inexplicably. She is all I've ever wanted for as long as I can remember.

It's tearing me apart to wish that things could be normal. That she could meet the man of her dreams and marry him and have children and go off and be happy and I wouldn't have to worry about hurting her anymore. But at the same time knowing that I would forever have this empty place in my heart for the time (108 days) that she was mine and mine alone.

We're skipping last period tomorrow to talk for awhile. I can't even practice what I'm going to say to her because every time I even try, I burst into tears.


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